8

SCOTT: Yeah just quickly, I had almost the exact same experience as you. And I think if it had been the first time, I would have been frustrated and disappointed. But I wasn’t, particularly. I went up to Ronin with the intention of perhaps having more, but instead he chanted to me, and worked on me, did some stuff, and it was, you know – I’m a big fan of the all the work you guys do, and that was really amazing. And yeah, I came back here and Ronin said, go for a couple more chants…I never really did, but yeah I didn’t feel need to have more, or do anything like that, I just felt tired and rested as well.

GABOR: How are you feeling now?

SCOTT: Fine, good, calm. Don’t feel bothered by fact that I didn’t have some kind of psychedelic experience. And I think it relates to my intention – to see what was underneath my thoughts…

GABOR: What I’m struck by is the two phrases you hadn’t used: your common mantra, confusion and uncertainty. You haven’t mentioned that this morning.

SCOTT: Yeah.

GABOR: How come, do you think?

SCOTT: I suppose I feel a little bit less confused.

GABOR: OK, you wanted to know what’s underneath all those thoughts. OK. Consider that this is what’s underneath it. Just a kind of calm. That image of the sky, which is…

SCOTT: Yeah – the sky is not the clouds.

GABOR: So the thing for you, for all of us is, how can you bring that into your life. So that’s worth thinking about.

Because we tend to take our minds for granted- you’ve got this scrambling, scattered mind, you think that’s you: it isn’t you. It’s just a pattern. And here you are, demonstrating to yourself that you’re quite capable of some attention and intention, to get behind all that. In fact, to get over it.

GABOR: You know, so it’s not a given. It’s actually something that we do to ourselves. Not deliberately, but ultimately we do it to ourselves. Not just a matter of brain chemistry, and disordered brain circuits.

RONIN: Can I just quickly share what I saw when I was working with you?

SCOTT: Sure.

RONIN: When you were sleeping, later in the night, when I was working from here, I saw you covered in like a web. And a very big spider over top of you had you in her web. Tied up. Yeah, like in Lord of the Rings. So maybe that’s why you’re feeling a little stuck in your life. But there was some release and opening…perhaps that’s why you’re feeling a little better.

GABOR: Uh, that’s the vision you had, do you make anything of it?

RONIN: The way I perceive it was, I think you’re tied up in your own emotion – not emotion, tied up in your mind. There’s the spiritual, physical and the emotional – so, you know, the spiritual side was, there’s a spirit, or an entity, that is wrapping you up. The manifestation of that is that you’re blocked in your life, emotionally and on your path. So I think it was pretty much what Gabor was just saying, the mind.

GABOR: You know that line from Shakespeare? He says what a tangled web we weave…

SOMEONE: When we aim to deceive.

GABOR: OK thank you Scott – are you complete?

RONIN: It’s very positive that I had that vision. Because it gives us something to work on. As opposed to, not being conscious of it – now once consciousness is on it, it allows us to work with what we see.

SCOTT: I have a giant spider on my back.

TRACY [Slaps him – people laugh.]

* * *

ANNA: Amazing yeah. Like I remember thinking… I just haven’t really been that checked in, in… I don’t remember the last time it was. Just so, everything I was feeling. And I was talking to… my mum, my dad, my brother, and saying things that I thought I couldn’t handle, you know?

And I realized that… What you said about stories, we’ve talked about this, about that, but with my dad especially, I just realized that in our communication, I… I just spent a lot of time being angry at him, and then a couple of years ago, I decided “Screw it, I don’t want to be angry anymore.” Like… I don’t want… I don’t want him to define me as his problem, and so I kind of gave up and I just maintained that, really vague relationship with him. And it was great to actually talk to him and just say the things I didn’t know I needed to say.

And that thing that I kept coming back to is this man…like all I kept seeing were faces, and sometimes they were familiar, and sometimes they weren’t. And it could have been a guy, like an ex-boyfriend or the guy I’m seeing now, and I try to look at them and focus, but they actually turn into someone else. And sometimes the guy’s face, it’s all men, like I see only man [laughs] and they will get angry sometimes, and then it kept coming back to this one man who…

I was lying down and it was like he was doing, like starting off at a race like on a track, like down in that position and coming over me like this, and he would just look at me.

And… I… like at first it was really creeped out, his face was really close to mine and looking at me, and I couldn’t deal with it at first, but then I wanted him to do that again. And I just wanted him to look at me, like for me. And that was the thing, that he was all-knowing, and these other guys didn’t know, and it seems that he was the one that kept coming back and just looking at me, for me.

And what I realized is… when I said that I can’t deal with confrontation, so much of this is because – I think in that moment when I’m faced with someone who is angry, I’m hiding so much inside. Secrets, secrets that people don’t usually hide from people they love, and so I just – clam up, because I’m afraid of what I’m going to say. So I thought about…

GABOR: So you got that it’s yourself that you’re afraid of?

ANNA: Hm?

GABOR: You got that it’s yourself that you’re afraid of?

ANNA: Yeah.

GABOR: In those moments, right?

ANNA: Yeah, it’s not even their anger or anything, it’s me

GABOR: Ok, go ahead

ANNA: Yeah, and this guy just felt… like all I wanted to do is to scream, cry and kick… who is this guy? Because it’s like he actually knew me. It was really good. [Laughing and crying] This is like, the story of my life…

GABOR: What have you left just now? What does that experience leave you?

ANNA: I feel really…I feel just clarity. Like I wanted to just talk to those people, and I will, and I just need to not think too much and just do it, and look out for myself.

GABOR: Right. Right. Your quest was for power, right?

ANNA: Strength, yes.

GABOR: Did you get something there?

ANNA: For sure, yeah. I think my strength comes from… like I might not be… I don’t know. I think it comes from a sense of self.