9

GABOR: I mean… Here is what I experienced. I experienced the potential for beauty and presence. The absolute wonder of the universe, and the potential for it. But I didn’t get access to it, because I refused to give up one small part. It’s like, “I want a bit of the universe, and therefore I lose the whole thing”.

But I couldn’t give up that little thing. And that little thing that I couldn’t give up, I was so concentrated on it, on the way here, to the ferry, I dropped in at my classical music store and picked up two CDs. Which is crazy, to do it on the way to a ceremony, because that’s exactly what my addiction is. You know… Even in the Amazon, I bought CDs and listened to them at one o’clock.

I did tell my wife about it last night, but it was a kind of dishonesty by going there, I could have told her before that I was going there. But I didn’t. And so during the night, I was sensing all I have to do is to give it up, all I have to is to go back to the store and say sorry I’m not keeping these disks. It’s all I have to do. And the universe will be mine. I couldn’t damn do it. I couldn’t give it up. I haven’t given it up. It’s incredible.

There’s a tightness that wants to hold onto it. And it’s like I’m choosing the tightness, and I’m choosing the sadness that goes along with it, rather than give it up. And that’s the resistance that you guys felt. That is so damn powerful. That surrender, it’s so difficult. Well to admit it isn’t, it’s just a rationalization. You know what it is? I don’t want the bad feeling that goes with giving it up. I don’t want the sense of loss. The sense of failed loss.

So if I hold onto doing this, I don’t have the loss. But I know that I have a bigger loss of… of everything else. That’s where I am at at the moment, and I can’t take it further than that. But I totally get how damn difficult it is to give up anything. Dysfunctional thoughts, core dependencies, addictions…we just hold onto them. If I go further with that, I will let you know. But that’s where I am… that’s what I saw, and that’s the resistance that you guys sensed.

SCOTT: OK. I had a frustrating experience tonight as well. I was actually, I felt very terrible the whole time, just like sick, and shaking, and really uncomfortable, and itchy [Laughs] Like just like, bugs around me. And just… yeah, I had terrible troubles trying to calm my mind. And yeah, I don’t know, if anything it was just like a magnified version of the chaos that goes on in my mind normally. But with all this pretty extreme physical discomfort. So… I don’t know, that was just not the best thing ever. [Laughs] And…

GABOR: What was your intention, Scott?

SCOTT: My intention was to understand sort of the nature of the resistance that I have.

GABOR: Understanding about what?

SCOTT: The resistance.

GABOR: The resistance. That was your intention. Did you come back to your intention? Were you aware of it off and on during the night?

SCOTT: Yeah…

GABOR: OK. So what did you learn about the nature of your resistance?

SCOTT: Nothing that I know of consciously right now…

RONIN: That’s exactly it. It’s unconscious.

GABOR: What did it feel like?

SCOTT: Um… Miserable. Yeah, I felt miserable. Just really uncomfortable.

GABOR: Were you aware of being in the resistance?

SCOTT: No. Not at all, actually. Because I was considering it, you know.

GABOR: So you accepted to be miserable.

SCOTT: Um… I didn’t like it. Did I accept it? I don’t know.

GABOR: You didn’t want to go away?

SCOTT: Oh I did want to go away.

GABOR: Then you’re resisting.

SCOTT: OK.

GABOR: You said it’s here, but you didn’t want to be here. That’s resistance.

SCOTT: Yeah, OK.

GABOR: So what did you learn about the nature of this?

SHAUN: It’s a powerful force within me

GABOR: Very powerful.

SCOTT: Yeah.

GABOR: And how does that make you feel?

SCOTT: Um…

GABOR: You said miserable.

SCOTT: I felt miserable, yeah. Yeah. I have troubles recognizing the line between…when it’s happening to me, I have troubles recognizing that. The line between the things that are bothering me, and my making it worse, by resisting it. But it’s a hard concept for me to grasp, to be honest. I mean, it’s sort of within my experience. I think it’s really in the brain obviously, I think it’s so in the brain that I don’t… I mean earlier I was kind of confused about, what do you mean by resistance.

GABOR: Listen… you get it now?

SCOTT: Kind of.

GABOR: How will you explain?

SCOTT: It’s too simple. [Laughs]

GABOR: Oh yeah. It’s very simple. How would you explain it?

SCOTT: It’s just not letting things…

GABOR: Not letting things be? You want it to be different? Not being in a prison at all.

GABOR: You know I just got something. I’m going to take those disks back. You know why? Because my intention was that I was in peace. I just want to find some peace. There’s no peace in holding on to everything. If I want peace, I have to give something up. It’s much more important than the discs.