50 First Person: Faith and Prayer when Going through Depression

AUTHOR WITHHELD

How do I pray, as someone who lives with bipolar disorder? In my younger years when I was fairly stabilized on medicine, the daily Scriptures were my prayer and my study. Sometimes I would study several hours with my commentaries and allow the silence to foster the Holy Spirit’s voice. During daily Mass and throughout the day, new things might connect; but there was always a Connection. As a liturgist and musician, this was my food so as to give my gift to the prayer of others.

As that medicine has now become dangerous for my health, I am living with a different combination of medicines; for the past several years, I have found myself in bipolar depression for an average of eight months out of every year. These episodes occur because of physiological changes; nothing is wrong. I am not sad or upset about anything. However, I become emotionally dead, mentally confused and experience great vulnerability, often isolating myself during these times.

How do I pray, as someone living inside bipolar depression? I am unable to experience the Connection during these times; I am like a shell having limited memory of my studies. All routines or rituals that I enjoy when well are merely times of going through the motions.

And so I give what I have. I know that Life comes from Death, and to this I cling. I know that in my deadness there is new Life that only the Giver of Life can call forth into new Being. There is grace in knowing that I am able to suffer with the entire Body and Blood of Christ in a way that my well self, the in-control self, cannot.