Claude Anshin Thomas
Editor’s Note: Claude Anshin Thomas is a Vietnam combat veteran and a Buddhist monk in the Japanese Soto Zen tradition. He studied closely with Vietnamese Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh and later with American Zen master Bernie Glassman. He regularly leads meditation retreats for veterans and others living with Post Traumatic Stress.
All veterans of violence–whether they are combat veterans or veterans of the violence in our streets and homes–are like the light at the tip of the candle. We burn hot and bright, and we can be a powerful force for healing in the world. The way to that healing is through our suffering, being willing to look deeply at ourselves and then talk openly about our experience. The practice of mindfulness can be an invaluable support in this process.
I would have rather not killed, but I have killed. To reject that is to reject myself and the reality of my actions. Through mindfulness practice, living in the present moment, I’m able to invite my whole self into my life, to integrate all the different parts of myself into one whole. Yes, I am the little boy playing baseball and I am the soldier killing. Yes, I am the drug addict using heroin, and I am the father of a wonderful boy. I am all these things, and I must not turn away from any of them.
I spent most of my life living in a state of forgetfulness. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I am still consumed by suffering, full of fear, full of doubts, full of shame. But then I recognize this shame as a bell of mindfulness. I breathe in and breathe out, and I am grateful to be free to touch these emotions, to establish a different and more peaceful relationship with them.
Mindfulness does not automatically make me feel less invaded by thoughts and memories, but rather it helps me to live in a more harmonious relationship with them. Please understand that healing is not the absence of suffering. Healing is learning how to live in a different relationship with suffering. Through this process of being more present to my own life, I stop attempting to reject suffering. This is the path of true healing, transformation, and freedom.
