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Annette Stelter
Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. – Proverbs 13:10 (NIV)
As a leader, how well do you manage your button pushers? In our position of leadership, we encounter both positive and negative attributes from those we work alongside. We have all heard stories about button pushers. I have them myself. As a person in leadership, if you have an automatic, adverse response to a coworker’s behavior, this is referred to as “getting your buttons pushed.” Leaders who may be more hypersensitivity toward those negative inputs and, this get their buttons pushed.
Usually, these sensitivities have developed due to hurtful past experiences, such as repeatedly being reprimanded, criticized, rejected, or constrained. The strategy to deal with button-pushers is executing a plan to have the wisdom, experiences, and perspective to handle any button pushers.
Author, John Townsend, recommends identifying a “delta force or life team” to create a vision for how to handle difficult people (Townsend, J. 2007). This is a small circle made up of three to five people. In my personal “delta force” I have a team of three people, my husband Tim, my long time friend Lori and my small group leader Marlene. Thanks to these three people, I have grown and matured over the decades. These individuals have conquered their own challenges in life and have had a considerable amount of growth in their character. Each of their personal walks adds wisdom, experience, and empathy to our “delta force” and in helping me reduce the chance of getting my buttons pushed.
I do have button pushers. My “delta force” has helped me to better handle negative button pushers. I learned so many life lessons over the years by having the insights from my “delta force” that I feel stronger today. These three people give me the desire to be better for the world.
When I consider the wisdom of my life team, it makes me smile.
They have directed me and guided me toward an insightfulness about my situations in the past. All three have experience dealing with difficult people in their own lives and have come out stronger because of that. None of these individuals have had formal training. However, they don’t hold back on guiding me to see or hear the hard truths about myself or my experiences. It is almost unfair of me to take advantage of their wisdom but, the one way I can repay them is to pay it forward with someone else.
Lori has role-played with me on our weekly walks for years. She has an incredible way of staying focused on the main topic and won’t let me digress from the issue at hand. A few years ago, we role-played how I was going to bring up a tough subject in my annual review. Lori helped me run through the rehearsal of that conversation before having it. What a difference it made for me. I was prepared for multiple scenarios and their corresponding rebuttals and, because I was prepared, I was able to stay focused on the topic without getting emotional because I was prepared.
Marlene, who is a phenomenal small group leader, has shared her experiences with me on how to deal with difficult people. She is the kindest, the most real role model I have ever encountered. She has shared her wisdom and experiences with her own button-pushers, which has transformed me and how I deal with difficult people.
As I think about the button pushers in my life, I am frustrated with how easy, in the past, it was for me to be manipulated by them. I have been outwitted, distracted and outmaneuver by my weakness or inability to have perspective. I am grateful my husband is a safe and sane person. For example, he can help up-right me when I am upside down. Over 30 years of marriage, he has “rubbed” off on me somewhat. His ability to re-orient me to what is right, actual and real, keeps me grounded at the moment. He is my champion in all factors of my happiness in life. I have become a more defined individual because he believes in me and prays for me. He is my lifeline from the craziness that I have around me.
Because of these three “delta forces” in my life, I am not as quickly thrown off balance anymore with difficult people or situations. I have learned to pick my battles, as not everything needs to be a conflict. I realize it’s not my responsibility to fix all problematic people. My growth has made a difference in relationships with button pushers. For example, when Helen (my button pusher) and I had coffee, I could sense that I influenced how the relationship would be from now on. As I work on changing what I am doing to contribute to the poor relationship with Helen, the relationship will continue to be healthier. I am grateful for my “delta force” and will continue to lean into them for their support, love, and guidance.
Recipe for Leadership
Let’s talk about a few favorite ingredients to alter the foul taste of these unfavorable encounters with your button pusher. Name your “delta force.” Find the small circle of people you could call day or night. These people need to speak truthfully to you and you need to welcome their thoughts and suggestions without being defensive.
Also, role-playing is another practical and useful tool. Role-playing is the changing of one’s behavior to assume a role, either unconsciously to fill a social function, or consciously to act out a scenario.
A leader may want to take notice of the circumstances or situations in which one is repeatedly reactive. Record the triggers by writing them down. In this way, you can observe any patterns and become mindful of what causes you to allow your buttons to be pushed.
Before the next “button-pushing” trigger, prepare yourself by creating an intention to become peaceful and calm. For example, say to yourself, “I am peaceful and calm when I am face-to-face with (insert button-pushers name).”
Before a meeting, visualize the upcoming encounter in detail. Breathe deeply as you prepare and practice before the encounter. By preparing and practicing what you consciously want, you will develop the intuition to deliver when the real situation is present.
A Recipe for Your InstaPot