28 Assertive Communication: Expressing Yourself with Clarity and Respect
“Being assertive is a core communication skill. Assertiveness can help you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view. It can also help you do this while respecting the rights and beliefs of others.
Assertive communication is direct and respectful. Being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message. If you communicate in a way that’s too passive or too aggressive, your message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to your delivery.” –mayo clinic assertive communication
It is vulnerable to express our true feelings to others, especially when there is disagreement. Often we default to patterns of withdrawing or becoming defensive. Finding ways to calmly and honestly express ourselves is a learned skill that helps us talk to people in a way that increases the chances that they will listen to us.
Purpose
The purpose of this activity is for participants to observe the impacts of different communication styles people use to express themselves and to practice assertive responses using I-messages.
Learning Objectives
Participants will:
- Define passive, aggressive and assertive communication styles.
- Describe components of assertive communication.
- Understand the purpose and format of an assertive I-message.
- Practice I-messages
Activity Directions
Set-Up: Arrange chairs in a horseshoe formation so that there is a “stage” area at the front of the room for the skits.
- Explain observation task: Tell the group that you will be presenting three skits demonstrating different communication styles and their task is to obsrve the verbal and non-verbal communication shown in each scenario.
- Recruit volunteer speaker: Ask for a volunteer who is willing to perform some short role-plays with you. Tell them that in the scenarios you will enact, the two of you are friends. They have borrowed your bike and are returning it to you.
Bicycle Skits Demonstrating Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Communication
Scenario One:
Verbal: “Ohhh where did you go. uhhh looks pretty muddy. hmmmm, the fender is dented. Oh well I will deal with it. Hope you had fun.”
Non-Verbal: Voice quiet, mousy and whiny. Shoulders and body slumped. No-eye contact. Quietly wheel the bike away (mimed or using a wheeled office chair) .
Scenario Two:
Verbal: “You jerk! Where were you? You said you would be back an hour ago. Look at the mess you have made of my bike. I lent you one of my favourite things and you treated it like shit. I am never ever lending you anything again. You better clean this up and get it fixed or I will never speak to you again!
Non-Verbal: Loudly shouting, waving hands, stomping feet. Moving towards them with aggression. (Often in this scenario, the borrower backs away and the interaction ends up in the corner of the room).
Scenario Three:
Verbal: “Hey. How was your ride? What happened? I can see that the bike has a lot of mud and that the fender is bent. I feel disappointed that I lent you my bike and you are bringing it back a lot later than you said and that it is dirty and bent. Could you please get it cleaned up and fix that fender? I really value our friendship, but I won’t feel comfortable lending you my valuable things if you don’t take care of them.” Pause and listen to their response.
Non-Verbal: Calm even voice, eye contact, pause to listen to responses, body language relaxed but confident.
- Define terms based on observations: Write the words Passive, Aggressive and Assertive on the white board and brainstorm with the group what each of these behavioural styles looked and sounded like. Try to get as much detail as possible about the verbal and non-verbal components of these behaviours.
- Reflections from Volunteer: Ask the volunteer who was on the recieving end of these communication styles, how each scenario made them feel. In the passive example, how do they think the incident will impact the friendship when the lender is unhappy, but not expressing it? How does the aggression impact the friendship? What happened in the assertive response? How does it impact the friendship?
- Full Group Discussion: What gets in the way of us communicating assertively? Are there socio-economic, cultural or gender factors that impact our confidence in standing up for our rights? If we are uncomfortable using assertive messages, what do we fear will happen if we ask for what we need or want?
- Review and summarize assertive words and behavior: The following points probably emerged from the discussion, but make sure these characteristics are understood.
Characteristics of Assertive Communication: How to say what we Mean without being Mean
Communicating assertively involves both what you say with words as well as what you convey through nonverbal signals. Some key characteristics of assertive communication include:
- Good eye contact that shows you are paying attention
- Confident posture that shows you are comfortable expressing your position
- Honest and open, conveying your opinion without manipulation or deceit
- Clear messages that accurately convey what you are trying to say
- Describe the situation or behaviors in clear, non-judgemental language
- Positive, non-threatening language that doesn’t try to blame or shame the other person
- Well-timed messages that are delivered in the right time and place
- Respectful words that acknowledge the feelings of others
7. Explain I-Message: Introduce the concept of the three part I-message as a way of speaking that does not blame the other person but helps them to understand you:
Examples of I-Messages
1. A brief, non-blameful description of the BEHAVIOR you find unacceptable.
2. Your FEELINGS.
3. The tangible and concrete EFFECT of the behavior on you.
Here are some examples of I-Messages:
1. To receptionist: “I feel very upset when you’re not here at 8:30 a.m. to answer the phone because that means I have to leave my work to cover for you.”
2. To colleague: “When you went to Sandy about issues you have with me, and then I hear about it from Sandy, I feel hurt and resentful because it erodes the trust I have in our relationship and I don’t get the information I need to address the issues.”
3. To manager: “I want to be valued for my talent and capabilities in the decisions I make and the work I do and when you make decisions that impact me without discussion or consultation, I feel discouraged and demotivated.”
4. To room-mate: When you leave the sink full of dirty dishes, I feel overwhelmed and irritated. When I wake up in the morning, I need the time to make breakfast and get ready and don’t have time to do your dishes first.
During the initial phase of learning to send I-Messages, you will undoubtedly feel self-conscious and a bit mechanical. Gradually, with practice, they will come much more naturally and require less deliberate thought.
*I-Messages were created by Dr. Thomas Gordon, author of P.E.T. and L.E.T. and founder of Gordon Training International.
8. Pairs: Find a partner and practice an assertive response to following scenarios:
- You live in an apartment and the person next to you has loud music late at night.
- Your partner or room-mate is not doing the dishes and you would like their help.
- A colleague or class mate is often late to work on projects.
Materials
There are no materials needed for this activity, but copying the worksheet below from Therapist Aid gives a comprehensive description of Assertiveness and some good practice scenarios that can be used for written responses or demonstrations.
Resource for Deepening Assertiveness Skills
Therapist Aid free resources have an excellent worksheet for practicing written assertive responses: