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I’ll admit she’s got fair skin, perhaps the fairest of them all. But “Snow White”? I think not.

They call me Grumpy, but you’d be grumpy too if you had to put up with the crap I’ve been going through. Some months ago, she moved in, uninvited. It was already crowded enough with the seven of us. She did cook and clean, and that was a good thing after coming home from the mine with my buddies. It wasn’t all bad.

But after a hard day’s work, I prefer to kick back with the guys. That’s just not possible with a woman around. We should have just ordered out Chinese and got a housekeeper once a week. That’s what I wanted to do.

The seven of us, however, operate by consensus. We were all too gracious to send Snow White away. So, for awhile we were stuck with her. Most of us were dissatisfied, except for Happy and especially Dopey—who I suspect had a crush on her.

Anyway, in my opinion, seven’s company and eight’s a crowd. But the biggest problem was that Snow White has enemies. This witch fed her a poison apple. Talk about naive! Taking food from strangers, and a witch at that!

So, after eating the apple, she passes out and we put her in a glass coffin. Who’s idea was that? A glass coffin?! Really? And, where exactly do you get a glass coffin? Especially when you live in the forest? One of the guys came up with that brilliant idea and pulled it off. I’m not mentioning any names, but can you say “Doc”?

Then Snow White was “sleeping” in her glass coffin, and I’m thinking that’s sad, but now we can get back to business: mining for diamonds and partying at night until we pass out.

But no. A prince comes by. What the heck is a prince doing in our neighborhood? I think he’s charming and all that, but Doc—you know “Mr. Smarty Pants”—has to correct me and tell me that Prince Charming is the love interest of somebody named Cinderella. “Cinderella!” I’d complain about the stupid names, but being part of a group that includes Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy and Doc, I’m not really in the position.

Anyhow, the prince does this creepy thing: he goes up to Snow White and he kisses the corpse. Working in a mine is pretty gross, but even I draw the line at kissing a corpse.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, Snow White returns from the dead and runs off with the prince to get married or something.

We’re happy for her, sort of and we’re celebrating by ordering out a special dinner. They tell me that with seven you get egg roll.