51

We actually weren’t shocked, or even really surprised when they came. After all, we’d already experienced so many unbelievable aspects of a dystopian future: the surveillance state of 1984, the environmental catastrophe, building destroyed by airliners, flashy assassinations, terminator drones raining death from the sky. Aliens spaceships drew a yawn at first.

Maybe we were disappointed because they didn’t attack the way we expected. We Earthlings were aching for a fight. We always are.

No, the aliens were quietly up to something. We couldn’t figure it out, but were suspicious and just a bit worried when deaths from auto accidents declined precipitously. And with disturbing frequency, handguns failed when the owners attempted to stop unarmed intruders. We were jumpy and except for the giant ships in they sky, the aliens hadn’t even shown themselves.

I hadn’t formed an opinion of them yet when one of them approached me. He (it?) was pretty disgusting. Scaly and oozing some yellow paste-like substance from a hole in his abdomen. (Can I call that an abdomen?) He wasn’t injured or anything. Oozing is just something he does.

After I stopped vomiting, Urk started “talking” to me. He said that his group had come to colonize the Earth so that our species might survive a rocky adolescence. He emphasized the word “might.” Then he probed my brain trying to understand more about me, especially the way I think. He was probably telepathing to himself, but I distinctly heard “Oh, man. This is gonna be tough.”

Generals took charge all over the world (while representative government went to sleep as it typically does) and—despite serious friction between them—agreed on a plan. Earth would not be colonized, not at any cost. The Generals also agreed it would be cool if they could earn a sixth star on their uniforms.

Military forces were mobilized, transferred to different secret positions, and prepared for use.

The generals issued a statement:

“Aliens! You scum-oozing freaks! You cannot rule over us. We will do everything possible to defeat you. Retreat now!”

Spontaneous and orchestrated protests appeared. (It was impossible to tell which was which.) Marchers by the millions chanted “live free or die.” Worldwide, military contractors wet their pants with excitement.

In the end, we used the nukes. All of them. I was with the aliens and assured them we wouldn’t use the nukes, that humans weren’t that stupid. I was their only human advisor so they trusted me.

I was wrong. The aliens neglected to neutralize the nukes based on my assurance.

When the Generals used the nukes, they failed to even scratch the aliens. But it really screwed up the planet for humans. Besides the billions incinerated, everything’s poisoned and food is scarce.

I’m leaving with the aliens, but I’m noticing something as I pack my bag. The survivors have formed rival bands and are cheerfully throwing rocks at each other.

The humans had won.