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I always wanted to be a member of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s for banks and I’m not a bank. I’m just a guy, and I bet you’re thinking “a crazy guy.”
But it’s something I really want. You wouldn’t deny a man his dream, at least not out of hand without giving him a chance, would you? Anyway, I had to try. So I called the office and made an appointment. At first they wouldn’t talk to me. They asked me for a name and I never really liked my real name so I made one up. “Jamie Dimon.”
I don’t like to brag, but I think that’s a pretty brilliant name. “Jamie” sounds friendly and approachable. “Dimon” sounds rich and important, like “diamond.” Get it?
Anyhow, it worked. I set up the meeting. I decided to wear my best suit, well my only suit. Actually, it’s not really my suit. It’s my dad’s, but he’s retired and doesn’t wear it anymore. I don’t even wear a suit at my job.
It was a pretty intimidating place. Big office building. Giant fast elevator. Anyhow, I was greeted by a lovely woman who gave me coffee and offered some other stuff including caviar. I declined the caviar but the crackers were pretty good.
Some guy who I was told was a chairman, a Mr. Gruenberg, greeted me and paused for an uncomfortable moment. “You look different from the pictures,” he said. Then he extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Dimon,” he said and he shook my hand firmly.
I didn’t waste time. “Mr. Gruenberg,” I said sternly. “I want membership. I want to be a member of the FDIC.”
Mr. Gruenberg smiled. “For your company? Are you starting a bank now, Mr. Dimon?”
Clearly, he wasn’t following me. “This is not for my company. It is for me. Personally.” Really, why would I want a membership for my employer? WalMart doesn’t care about the FDIC. It’s for me, a greeter at WalMart. I want it.
But I didn’t say that part.
I looked stern. By the time I left, the chairman promised that, although it was highly unusual, my membership would be arranged.
So, here it is. My membership card. I am officially a member of the FDIC. Well, not actually yet. But I will be as soon as I finish getting my name changed.
