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Money is speech. I talk a lot and I can be very persuasive. That’s how I got to be president. I know you are a little upset, but what can I tell you? That’s how the system works.

The first Tuesday in November, you voted. Well, some of you voted anyway. You guys are starting to get jaded, but that’s not my problem. In any case, you selected George P. Bush, not the Democrat. I wasn’t on the ballot, even as a third party. Why bother?

As I said, you elected Bush—again! What is it with you people and name recognition? You gotta admit that’s a pretty stupid criteria for picking a leader. So, stop complaining about me.

Remember when the returns came in? It was a blowout. Bush walloped the unknown Democrat. He didn’t have a chance. All the networks declared Bush the winner. Nate Silver called it two weeks earlier. The GOP was crowing, the Democrats whining, and nobody even noticed me. But everybody got it wrong and that’s when I won.

I had a big New Year’s Eve party for the electors. That night and the days that followed, I chatted with hundreds of them. I was generous, giving envelopes of cash to their favorite charities, which was in most cases themselves.

So, at the joint session of Congress on January 6th, the formal roll call vote for president took place, normally a routine procedure. But not this time. There was a write-in: me. Yeah, I won.

There was complaining about irregularities and faithless electors. The courts are looking at it, but it was the Supreme Court that ruled that money is speech. By the time they settle anything, I’ll be in my second term.

Look, winning is all that matters. As Gore. Ask Tilden.

I’ve got no more time for this small talk. I’m gonna get down to business: deregulate things and cut my taxes. For the good of the country.