84

Does anyone know where I can get a good quantum mechanic? My time-space continuum seems to be malfunctioning. It keeps making this rattling sound, so I pulled over at a nearby quasar. They did a particle check but couldn’t seem to diagnose the problem.

Someone suggested I should talk to this guy Higgs. I called and left a message. I haven’t even spoken to the guy yet, but I’ve got a picture in my head of him. A picture I can’t get out of my head.

He’s wide, in his late 40’s but looks older. Thinning hair. When he squats to inspect a vehicle, his butt crack is visible. You could have guessed that.

His looks are unimpressive, I might even say disgusting, but Higgs knows his stuff. He’s no Einstein, but he’s a tinkerer with a real good feel for what he’s doing. I’ve only heard his “I’m not available” message on his phone, but I’ve already convinced myself he’s the guy I’m going to use.

He can do anything, well almost anything. This Higgs guy won’t go faster than the speed of light because he’s the rare “honest mechanic,” and he won’t defy “the law.” But he can do lots of stuff, weird stuff, spooky stuff at a distance. He plays dice.

So, any way, I imagine Higgs working on my problem. He revs up the accelerator. Muons, quarks, and other particles and forces pass by. He reaches out and grabs what he needs. Feeds just the right mix into my tank.

And I’m good to go. I haven’t even seen the guy yet, but I highly recommend him.