23

I sat down with God, the Father, at a bar to ask him about sex. I wasn’t sure what He drinks, but just to be on the safe side I ordered two glasses of sacramental wine and put it on my tab. I recited the Kiddush, we clinked glasses and began to sip.

I dived right in. “So, um…God…can I call you God? What’s the story with sex? People are all obsessive and crazy about it. I could use a little clarification.”

God sighed. Sex again.

“I thought it was obvious, but clearly I’m not as omniscient as they say. Sex is like a jigsaw puzzle. The parts fit together. If it doesn’t fit right, keep looking. Sometimes the outside patterns on people give a clue, but some puzzles are trickier than others. The right parts fit together perfectly, but they don’t always interlock. Sex is basically entertainment, to keep things interesting for the human race. I tied it to reproduction for efficiency”

I was stunned! “Is that all? How did that happen?”

God looked uncomfortable. There was a long pause.

“Okay. Here’s how it happened.” God gulped down the rest of his wine. He called out to the bartender. “Can we get another round over here, please?”

Glasses refilled, He continued.

“This was the first planet I made. I was experimenting. I was younger, kind of naive. It was all new. So, I separated the dark from the light, yada yada yada. Now, I’ve got Adam and Eve and a garden, and I’m working on this tree, see? And some fruit.”

I cleared my throat. “I know this part. You told Adam not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, but the snake and Eve messed that up. And now we have original sin.”

“No, no, no!” He cried. “They always get that wrong.”

God took a deep breath.

“I was still working on the tree, particularly the fruit. Well, the fruit was shiny and Eve loved shiny things and she was also generous and wanted to share. So, she gave a piece of fruit to Adam. It was sweet, really.”

“But Eve lacked patience. I thought I could do better with the fruit and wanted them to enjoy it once I got it right. So, I was a bit peeved. But in a loving way. The transcribers got this wrong—as they did with many things—and now everybody thinks they are sinners and that knowledge is bad.”

I had a little trouble taking all this in. I whet my whistle before responding.

“But what about love?” I asked. “How does love fit into all this?”

“Oh, for My sake! I sent my Son to explain that and I thought He did an excellent job. Love has nothing to do with sex. It’s even simpler. But people still don’t get it. Three words: love one another.”

I tried to reassure him. “Not to worry. We got the message.”

God looked me in the eye. “I don’t think you did.”

What could I say? He was right. “Well, the Book has a lot in it. People got confused.”

“Here’s a clue: read the Sermon on the Mount. The rest is just filler. Writing long form is hard. I was learning. I’m actually more of a short story guy.”