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I know other women are vain, but I wasn’t too upset about losing my hair. Well, okay. Maybe just a little bit. Actually, I tore my hair out myself. I was upset about something or other and I grabbed my long locks and yanked. I’d done that before, but this time was different. It came out. All of it, in two long tufts.

I pretended nothing had happened. When my friends commented on the absence of my golden blond shoulder length hair, I’d say “Really? I hadn’t noticed.” And then I’d change the subject.

Meanwhile, at home I frantically searched my spam folder and answered every email selling a product that promised to grow hair. I got liquids, pastes, even inhalers. Needless to say nothing worked.

On a strange desperate hunch, I bought some Miracle Grow and rubbed it into my scalp. Three days later, something started to sprout. It wasn’t exactly hair. In fact, I didn’t know what it was but it was, at least, something. They weren’t strands like hair. More like flat green blades of grass.

Anyway, the stuff continued to grow quickly. I had weeds. Weeds! And they were growing like weeds.

Well, I couldn’t let that continue unabated, but I was afraid to spray weed killer onto my head. I tried pulling out some of the weeds, but they were too tough. With some trepidation, I decided to try a weed wacker. I was very, very careful. I even used the edge trimmer.

Now, nobody takes a second look. Sure, my “hair” is green, but lots of people dye their hair nowadays. To divert attention from that I put on my lipstick and makeup extra thick. Now I look just like The Joker.