18

Ali was playing Angry Birds when a text message popped up on the screen. His handler insists that he must strike now.

Ali didn’t want to strike. He was having a good game. He didn’t hate the enemy, didn’t even really understand who the enemy was. Strike now? Not now. He’d get around to it. Eventually.

His handler was getting tired of excuses and higher-ups were leaning on him. Ali was perfectly integrated into American society. That part of the plan worked. And Ali always started to carry out his assignments. But then he got distracted, or just started doing something else. They wanted Ali to strike, but Ali had other priorities at the time.

Last summer, he was supposed to hit a shopping mall. A local gun enthusiast got there first, upstaging the plan. Then, they decided he should wear a bomb vest into a government office building. Ali complained that the bulky vest couldn’t be covered by his coat, and that stylistically it looked terrible. You should never mix patterns like that.

The worst was when they wanted him to machine gun an army base. Ali was almost at level 100 on Candy Crush. Talk about bad timing. “Were they crazy?” Ali wondered.

Now Ali has reached level 120 and still hasn’t struck. His handler decided to take a chance on a meeting.

“Ali,” began Labeeb gently. “People are starting to talk.”

Ali frowned. “Look, I didn’t want this. But you guys promised virgins. Where are the virgins?”

“You get them later. After.” Labeeb explained. “We told you, but I guess you didn’t listen. All you heard was ‘virgins.’

“Shhhh!” said Ali. His brow was furrowed as he frantically swiped candies.

“Ali! About the computer. That’s not for games. We’re supposed to use it for secure communications.”

Ali finished his game before responding. “I’ve been communicating with it. But it can do so much more. Why waste it?” He switched back to Angry Birds.

Labeeb sighed. “Ali, you are going to get us both into big trouble. Please, please just carry out your assignments.”

“Don’t worry,” said Ali. “I’ll get to it.”

Ali returned to his game, frustrated. He was losing. Even worse, it turned out that his opponent was an agent from the NSA. Ali was charged with swiping candies.