2 The Singlehood Way

Craig Wynne, Ph.D.

          What do Nikola Tesla, Marisa Tomei, Condolezza Rice, and David Lee Roth have in common?  Well, yes, they are famous people, but the real answer is that they never married or had children (as far as we know).  And yet, they still live/lived full lives (again, as far as we know).  Yet, many people consider getting married, having 2.4 children, and buying the house with the white picket fence, to be the path to which everybody should aspire.  As a single person, I’ve often felt othered by such social norms, particularly through comments like “why are you still single?”

Such thinking is archaic today, as the population of singles is projected to grow in the years to come.  It is predicted that by 2030, one in four people will have never married by the age of fifty-four (Wang & Parker, 2014).  Some pundits look at this as the breakdown of society.  But much research shows that singles are actually just as happy as people who are married or otherwise partnered (if you discount people who are divorced or widowed, which can be traumatic experiences that lead to lower levels in happiness) (DePaulo, 2019).

As more and more opt for the singlehood way, it’s going to be important to have discussions around singlehood that don’t revolve around the lamentation of traditional family structures (which, in many cases, have proven to be toxic and even dangerous), particularly as more people identify as aromantic and may not want a traditional type of coupling arrangement.  Singles Studies is a new field designed to give a voice to singles in a variety of arenas, such as healthcare, the law, and finance.  This essay will provide an overview of Singles Studies as a developing field of study that deserves to be given legitimacy.  I’ll define and discuss terms that form the core of discussions in our field, and give examples of how they work in our lives:

Singlism – Bella DePaulo coined this term in her landmark article, “Singles in Society and Science” (2005).  It defines the discrimination and marginalization singles face.  That pesky phrase, “When are you getting married?” is just one example of that.  A more in-depth discussion will follow later in the essay.

Matrimania – Did you know that in 2021, couples spent an average of $34,000 on weddings?   One could easily attribute that figure to the fact that so many weddings were postponed due to COVID that when these couples finally could make their nuptials and invite large masses of friends and family, they decided to go all out.  But two years prior to that, before COVID, guests spent an average of $430 to attend a wedding.  This involves gifts and often, the costs associated with travel.  And don’t forget the popularity of shows like The Bachelor and 90-Day Fiancé.  DePaulo (2005) coined this term to mean the societal obsession with marriage and weddings, as described above.

Amatonormativity – Why do most of the single people I know seem to want to couple up?    Elizabeth Brake (2011) coined this term to encompass the idea that romantic relationships are prioritized above all other types of relationships, as well as life goals.

The Relationship Escalator

Amy Gahran (2017) coined this idea to mean that every relationship must follow a series of steps, including:

Dating

Declaring intention to see each other monogamously

Getting Married

Having Children

  This is a sample sequence of how the general population perceives relationships should progress.  I preface this by saying there’s nothing wrong with the relationship escalator, but there are other ways to date and have meaningful relationships that are dismissed by the public.

Singlism in Everyday Life

“When are you getting married?”  “Isn’t it time to settle down?”  If you’re over 25 and single, chances are, you’ve heard some variation of these microaggressions, either from a well-meaning, if pesky, aunt or friend who’s just gotten married.  To paraphrase Bella DePaulo, pioneer of the Singles Studies field, I don’t ask, “When are you breaking up/getting divorced?”  Though I do fantasize about it if I ever am asked again; it would throw that person off-balance.  That being said, why is marriage seen as something we must do?  That assumption lies right there in that question.

Has anybody ever offered to set you up with a friend or suggest you date a particular person you know?  If so, congrats, but only if that’s what you want.  Otherwise, at the very least, it’s an intrusion on personal space.  At its worst, it’s a bad assumption that you should couple up when you may not even want to.

Have you ever been made to work more hours or a less desirable shift than someone with a partner and/or kids?  Does it seem unfair?  Even coupled people face this problem when they don’t have kids.

Businesses also have discounts for couples.  You’ve probably seen events that advertise $30 per person but $50 per couple?  So if you bring a partner, you have a discount for $5 per person, just for coming as two.  It’s much more equitable to advertise at $30 per person, $60 per couple.

Singlism in the Law/Economy

The government loves marriage and hates singles (or, at the very least, doesn’t care about them).  If/when I die, I can leave my Social Security benefits to a spouse or child.  But I can’t leave it to a sibling, niece or nephew, friend, not even a domestic partner (Nolo, 2023)! The Family Leave and Medical Act might give me time off to care for a child, but not a sick friend or neighbor.  Marital communications privilege also applies if you’ve been accused of a crime.  Your spouse cannot be compelled to testify against you, even if you’ve committed the most brutal, heinous crime ever and your spouse witnessed it or otherwise knows about you.  And that’s not just the United States government.  For example, England and India, among many other countries, have similar communicative laws.

Singlism in the Media

“You complete me.”  “I wanted it to be you.”  “I’ll never let go, Jack.”  These iconic quotes come from popular romance-related movies that made millions of dollars at the Hollywood box office.  It’s a popular genre.  And if you’ve ever watched a movie that doesn’t even revolve around romance, you probably know that oftentimes the protagonist, if they’re single, couples up at the end of it, even when it’s not necessary to the plot.  For example, in Titanic, apparently, the story of the sacrifice and heroism that occurred among the crew as the ship sank was apparently not cinematic enough; there needed to be a romance at its center to give it credibility.

And is it really necessary to have every character be coupled at the end of a TV series?  In the Big Bang Theory, for example, all of the characters start off happily single.  By the series’ conclusion, everyone (save for Raj) winds up coupling with each other.  It’s what viewers want.

            Most of the advertisements we see on television also focus on couples and families (although, to be fair, we are starting to see same-gender couples in advertising, so that is progress).  Single people don’t buy products?

Singlism in Medicine

My good friend and colleague Joan DelFattore, who also writes a great deal about singlehood, recently underwent treatment for cancer.  She wrote a story about how some of her physicians didn’t treat her issue as aggressively as they might for a married patient.  Some oncologists may assume that because a patient doesn’t have the nuclear family, they have “less to live for” than a married/coupled patient (DelFattore, 2019).  And if she’s written her story, one can assume many others have suffered similar treatment.

Singlism in Housing

Much of the time, rental agents prefer to rent to married couples over singles and even cohabitating couples, even if the different parties have similar characteristics.  In a series of studies conducted by DePaulo (2011), groups of college students were given a series of scenarios in which they could choose to whom they would rent property: they could choose married couples vs. cohabiting couples, pairs of friends, single men, and single women.  They overwhelmingly chose the married couple every time because, in their view, they would be more likely to pay their rent on time and keep the house clean.

Singlism in Teaching & Research

As of this writing, there are 718 university programs devoted to Marriage and Family Studies.  Therefore, academe, a place that claims to be founded on progressive thinking, still appears to endorse a traditional institution.  This is a reason why we need Singles Studies.  Bella DePaulo advocated for such a discipline to become widespread in universities throughout the world.  As the population of singles grows, such a discipline will become even more important.  As Marriage and Family Studies programs exist with the goal of strengthening the institutions of marriage, a Singles Studies discipline is needed to bring validity to the single way of life.

Singlism in Our Language

“Other Half/Better Half”- Many coupled people refer to their spouse/partner as their “other half.”  Does this imply they’re not a whole person without their partner?  Even worse is the phrase “better half,” meaning “my partner is better than me.”  That’s a subtle way of telling oneself they don’t matter.  I’m thinking their other friends and family would disagree with that instance of negative self-talk.

“Still Single”/“Not Married Yet” – These phrases convey the same two meanings: one should eventually be partnered, and that singlehood must be a temporary state.   It is for many, but more and more people are now embracing it as a permanent state of being.  And thriving while doing it, despite the world’s opposition.  The words “still” and “yet” in those two respective phrases assume the opposite, a falsehood.

Indiscriminate Use of the Word “Family” –  What if you’re not part of a family unit?  And politicians use the word “families” when they make their speeches.  “We’re doing this for American families!”  There’s the “Working Families” party.  I propose we change the word “families” to “people.”  I do my part by saying “I wish you and your ‘loved ones’ a happy holiday.” It’s just more inclusive.

“When you get married/have children/start a family” – Many parents say this phrase to their children in order to justify their choices.  It’s usually followed by “you’ll understand.”  That’s a bad assumption to make.  “If” is a better word choice.

International Progress

          Different cultures, whether they be individualistic or collective, also have different perspectives on singlehood, and many are contributing to its growing rate.  For example, in the United States, in 2021, nearly half of adults were not married, and 41% of the population was not looking to date.  In Japan, which values collectivism, approximately 50% of women and 70% for men in their 20s are socially single, meaning without a partner, and approximately 25% of people in their 30s indicated they do not wish to get married.  Singlehood is rising in these two cultures, which have markedly different values, so our view on it needs to become congruent with this trend.

Conclusion

         Despite the growing population of singles and increasing acceptance of singlehood, it still remains stigmatized.  Fortunately, a number of people have helped it to become less so. Bella DePaulo continues to publish scientifically backed articles that show its benefits.  There are a number of podcasts, such as Peter McGraw’s Solo and Lucy Meggeson’s Spinsterhood Reimagined, that aim to educate the public about the benefits of single living.  And, most of all, the Facebook group, Community of Single People, established by DePaulo in 2015, is over 7,000 members strong as of this writing.

         On an academic level, Dr. Ketaki Chowkhani and I co-established the first ever Singles Studies conference, held on October 10, 2020, during which scholars from all around the world presented on topics related to singlehood, from how speakers are portrayed in advertising and literature to how singles negotiate support systems.  It is important that we continue this  work so singlehood will ultimately be given the social legitimacy it deserves.

References

Brake, E. (2011). Minimizing marriage: Marriage, morality, and the law. Oxford University Press.

DelFattore, J. (2019). Death by stereotype? Cancer treatment in unmarried patients. New England Journal of Medicine, 381(10), 982-985.

DePaulo, B. (2006). Singled out: How singles are stereotyped, stigmatized, and ignored, and still live happily ever after. Macmillan.

DePaulo, B. (2010, October 19).  Housing discrimination against people who are single: 4 studies.  Psychology Today.  Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201010/housing-discrimination-against-people-who-are-single-4-studies

DePaulo, B (2017).  The urgent need for a Singles Studies discipline.  Signs: Journal of Women in  Culture and Society, 42(4), 1015-1019.

DePaulo, B. (2017, May 11).  What no one ever told you about people who are single. [Video]. YouTube.  Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyZysfafOAs&t=449s

Gahran, A. (2017). Stepping off the relationship escalator: Uncommon love and life. Office the Escalator Enterprises, LLC.

“Marital Communications Privilege.” (2023).   Thomson Reuters Practical Law.  Retrieved  February 8, 2023 from https://uk.practicallaw.thomsonreuters.com/0-522-0935?transitionType=Default&contextData=(sc.Default)&firstPage=true

National Council on Family Relations. (2023).  “Degree Programs in Family Science.”  Ncfr.org. Retrieved January 28, 2023 from https://www.ncfr.org/degree-programs

Nolo. “Marriage Rights and Benefits.”  Nolo.org.  Retrieved July 18, 2023 from https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html#:~:text=Inheriting%20a%20share%20of%20your,trusts%2C%20and%20marital%20deduction%20trusts.

“Privileged Communication – Marital Privilege” (2022).  Student Company Secretary.  Retrieved February 8, 2023 from https://www.icsi.edu/media/webmodules/05092022_PRIVILEGEDCOMMUNICATION.PDF

Quillen, A. (2022, February 22).  Record number of courthouse weddings for ‘Twosday,’ 2-22-22.  NBCDFW.com.  Retrieved from https://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/record-number-of-courthouse-weddings-for-twosday-2-22-22/2896764/

Schulz, B. (2022, March 31).  From DoorDash to egg donations: Couples putting in extra work to pay off 2022 wedding costs.  USA Today.  Retrieved from https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2022/03/31/wedding-cost-average-2022/7154269001/?gnt-cfr=1

Wang, W. & Parker, K. (2014).  Record share of Americans have never married.  Pew Research Center.  Retrieved February 10, 2023 from https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/