4 The Radical Act of Living Our Lives: Asexual and Aromantic People in Sexuality Social Justice

Briana Niblick

To readers across the asexual and aromantic spectra, and aspiring allies:

You are welcome here.

Introduction: Many communities under one aspec umbrella

      Just about any question in the asexual and aromantic (or “aspec”) communities can be answered with the response, “It depends.” While asexuality describes experiencing little to no sexual attraction and aromanticism describes experiencing little to no romantic attraction, the range of identities is nearly infinite, as people continue to find new words and combinations for themselves every day (TAAAP, 2023; Aces & Aros, 2023).

     There’s the grey- prefix (also spelled gray-). Grey asexuals (or greysexuals) may experience a low level of sexual attraction while still predominantly identifying with asexuality, or they may experience sexual attraction only rarely. Same applies to greyromantics, who may rarely experience romantic attraction or may have little to no desire to form romantic relationships but not quite consider themselves aromantic.

      Demisexuals may experience sexual attraction after getting to know someone and forming an emotional bond with them, not when meeting the person for the first time. Similarly, demiromantics may experience romantic attraction after getting to know and forming an emotional bond with someone. Demi- identities are a subset of grey- identities; neither is entirely asexual, aromantic, sexual, or romantic.

      The above definitions use concepts of “lack” or “without” to describe these aspec identity terms. Yet this absence of attraction is merely a starting point. There is an infinite range of possible identities, relationships, and desires once one moves beyond this point. People under the aspec umbrella share one more trait in common: they challenge society’s notions of what is considered “normal” or “typical” when it comes to personal relationships and adult development. What is “normal” or “typical” gets dictated by allosexuals and alloromantics (those who experience sexual attraction and romantic attraction, respectively). This chapter centers the aspec experience and explores what everyone can learn from this diverse and vibrant community.

Challenging societal norms

      Like any marginalized group, aspec people face challenges across society. While scholarly research has been expanding over the past decade, and the past few years have led to an increase in aspec book publications — notably both in nonfiction (about asexuality) and fiction (with aspec protagonists) — a general lack of awareness about asexuality and aromanticism still persists. Information can be found online, but very few resources exist in the physical world at a level comparable to other sexualities.

     Many of the resources that are available center whiteness and able-bodiedness. The systemic prioritization of the white experience is deeply rooted in white supremacy and settler colonialism. The prioritization of the able-bodied experience is used, implicitly and explicitly, to counter the belief (and former DSM-IV diagnosis) that asexuality is, in of itself, a disability or disorder (APA, 2013). Together, white supremacy, ableism, and sanism begin to form the false image of the “unassailable asexual,” one that an allosexual individual in a sex-normative society cannot possibly critique because (so the theory goes) the asexual person has no other medical or social reason that would explain their lack of sexual attraction and therefore must be accepted as truly, and only, asexual.

     This social pressure and ostracization grows with layers of marginalization. Asexual and aromantic people who experience racism, xenophobia, classism, heterosexism, cissexism, and many other -isms often report microaggressions and hostility from inside and outside the aspec community, further diminishing their access to resources and social connection. What is true for other communities is true for the aspec community: uplifting the most marginalized members, in both practicalities and in spirit, will ultimately benefit everyone. Within the aspec community, there is growing awareness of the microaggressions and harm caused by historic and current white-centered beliefs, actions, and policies. It remains to be seen if current and future changes will be intentional and widespread enough for a more welcoming, anti-oppressive, and justice-seeking community to prevail.

Medical and legal barriers

     One of the major institutional barriers aspec people face is access to competent medical care. It is common for medical intake forms to not include options for asexuality and when they do, they often lack the ability to select multiple orientations or to write in a different term. When questions around sexual activity arise in conversation, some providers assume the client is lying if they are of consenting age and report they are not sexually active.

     Most commonly, asexual people are forced to educate their medical providers about asexuality, which may be completely irrelevant to the purpose of the visit. This resembles the “trans broken arm” phenomenon, wherein medical providers explicitly or implicitly assume all medical issues are related to a client’s transgender [asexual] status (Knutson et al., 2016). Many asexual people choose not to disclose their asexuality to medical professionals for this reason. Sometimes the potential client never even makes it inside the medical practice: even queer- and trans-specific healthcare providers have been known to define the “A” in LGBTQIA as “Ally”, fearing they could otherwise be accused of discrimination.

     Asexual people also lack legal protections. As of this writing, only the U.S. state of New York explicitly protects the rights of asexual people, via its 2002 Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act (SONDA). SONDA’s definition of sexual orientation is limited, as it specifically names “heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, or asexuality,” rather than describing what sexual orientation is in of itself (New York State, 2002). However, it does go one step further than the federally proposed Equality Act, which defines sexual orientation as, “homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality” (1187th Congress, 2023).

     There are natural alliances between the aspec community and other communities when facing these medical and legal challenges. Asexual people and disabled people typically face opposing assumptions in the doctor’s office: asexual people are assumed to be sexual and disabled people are assumed to be asexual (or rather, not engaging in sexual behavior, whether intentionally abstaining or by circumstance). Asexual people have fought, partially successfully, to have asexuality removed from the DSM-V (though not in the abridged “desk” version and only if the client self-discloses as asexual). Disabled people, especially those with higher support needs, have fought for decades to be seen as sexual beings with bodily autonomy and with agency to make their own choices regarding sexual activity and personal relationships. Of course, there are many people who are both asexual and disabled. It has been within this overlapping community that a new fight for intersectional solidarity has emerged: people can be disabled and sexual, or asexual and disabled — in every variation thereof, professionals should minimize their own assumptions and believe their clients.

      Marriage and child adoption is another space where there are natural alliances between asexual and certain allosexual communities, such as the polyamory community. More states and countries around the world have been legalizing instances of marriages of more than two people (usually three) and third-parent adoptions. Laws vary widely based on jurisdiction; legal specifics are outside the scope of this chapter. However, it tends to be the case that a first step to legal protections for multi-person relationships has been the legalization of marriage equality between two people of similar genders. Perhaps one of the most natural alliances for asexual and aromantic people should be with the queer community. Unfortunately, that has never been the case.

Are aces and aros queer?

      “It depends.” It depends on how each individual asexual or aromantic person identifies for themselves. Many aces and aros do identify under the sexual and gender minority umbrella. However, some aspec community members, notably heteroromantic aces and allosexual aromantics may consider themselves straight. The correct identifying term is always the one that person uses for themselves.

      Every Pride season, aces and aros around the world who do identify under the sexual and gender minority umbrella brace themselves for the onslaught of overly sex-positive messaging that excludes their aspec experience. It’s a feeling at first, a general atmosphere of not fitting in and feeling uncertain if one is actually welcome in what is typically a highly sexualized space. Then come the waves of aphobic comments, both online and in-person, comments that insist that aces and aros don’t belong in the queer community. “They haven’t suffered through enough oppression.” “What are they fighting for anyway?” To counter these misunderstandings and to educate the broader public, aspec organizers have launched annual awareness campaigns. These include International Asexuality Day (April 6), Ace Week (October 23-29), and Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (first full week after Valentine’s Day, February 14). As awareness of asexuality and aromanticism increases, harmful comments and actions will decrease, but any hope for active aspec inclusion will need to involve intentional, multi-faceted efforts practiced consistently over time.

How do compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity hurt us all?

      Compulsory sexuality is the assumption that all people experience sexual attraction. It describes the social norms that: 1) marginalize forms of non-sexuality, and 2) compel people to experience themselves as desiring subjects, take up sexual identities, and engage in sexual activity (adapted from Gupta, 2015).

      Amatonormativity is the assumption that a central, exclusive, romantic relationship is normal for humans and is a universally shared goal (Brake, 2012).

      As this chapter has shown, compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity impact everything from medical care to legal protections to conceptualization of what it means to be an adult. Compulsory sexuality isolates and shames people who do not follow sexual expectations. Amatonormativity invisibilizes relationships that ignore romantic standards. Both forms of oppression treat the aspec community as “other” and serve to exclude its members from interlocking structures of power held by allosexual and alloromantic communities.

In their book, Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture, Sherronda J. Brown writes (p. 172):

Compulsory sexuality is a cage. If we cannot make our own determinations about our sexual lives because of social convention and gendered or racialized expectations of sexuality; if we cannot make our own reproductive choices because we are called on to use our bodies to produce future laborers to be exploited by racial capitalism […] if we cannot envisage and honor a genuine Black asexuality because Blackness and the Black body are hypersexualized, because anti-Black logics relegate the Black asexual to a space of distinct impossibility, then we are not free.

     If the goal of social justice is radical liberation for all, and the goal of sexuality social justice is the radical liberation for all with respect to sexuality, then asexual and aromantic people must be included in these liberatory struggles. In the words of Fannie Lou Hamer, “Nobody’s free until we’re all free.” Now is the time we get to work.

How can aspiring allies help?

• Believe people when they tell you they are asexual or aromantic.
• Don’t ask invasive questions. Don’t assume their sexual or romantic orientation was caused by anything – medical, biological, or social.
• Educate yourself and others about the aspec community. Learn about community terminology, the many accomplishments of aspec people, the barriers they face, and especially about multiply marginalized aspec people, such as black and brown aces, indigenous aces, disabled and neurodivergent aces, poor aces, immigrant aces, and incarcerated aces, just to name a few. Enjoy aspec media and ask your libraries and local stores to carry more!
• Include aspec people in every opportunity offered to other sexual minorities.
• Include aspec people in non-discrimination statements and any policies that reference sexual orientation.
• Include aspec individuals and organizations in funding opportunities.
• If you use an acronym, include the “A”, e.g. LGBTQIA+. Also consider using a term other than an acronym, such as “sexual and gender minorities”.
• Include aspec experiences in sexual education. Invite diverse panels of aspec speakers, when possible. No one person will be able to speak to the myriad of experiences in the community.
• Work to repeal laws that advance aphobia, compulsory sexuality, and amatonormativity. Work to support laws that promote principles of universal design, supporting both the aspec community and the broader public.
• If you’re ace or aro, and it’s safe, come out! Visibility matters. Using that visibility to do good work matters even more. If it’s not safe, do what you need to do to stay as safe as possible. Lean on the aspec community for support. We’ve got you.

Discussion Questions

How have you seen asexual and aromantic people’s experiences included or excluded in social work settings?

How does compulsory sexuality show up in social work settings? How does compulsory sexuality show up in your everyday life?

How does amatonormativity show up in social work settings? How does amatonormativity show up in your everyday life?

How can layers of intersectionality, such as race, religion, or disability, affect an individual’s experience in asexual and aromantic communities?

References

Aces & Aros (2020). Learn. https://acesandaros.org/learn. Accessed 13 February 2023.

Ace Community Survey Team (2023). The Ace Community Survey. https://acecommunitysurvey.org. Accessed 13 February 2023.

American Psychiatric Association (APA) (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5. 5th ed. Arlington, Virginia: American Psychiatric Publishing.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). https://www.asexuality.org.

Brake, E. (2012). Minimizing marriage: Marriage, morality, and the law. Oxford: Oxford UP.

Brown, S.J. (2022). Refusing compulsory sexuality: A Black asexual lens on our sex-obsessed  culture. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books.

Gray-Ace & Gray-Aro Survey. https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2022/07/28/gray-ace-gray-aro-survey. Accessed 13 February 2023.

Gupta, K. (2015). Compulsory sexuality: Evaluating an emerging concept. Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society. 41(1): 131-154.

H.R. 15 – 118th Congress (2023-2024): Equality Act. https://www.congress.gov/bill/117th-congress/house-bill/15.

Knutson, D., Koch, J.M., Arthur, T., Mitchell, T.A., and M.A. Martyr (2016). Trans broken arm: Health care stories from transgender people in rural areas. Journal of Research on Women and Gender 7(1): 30-46.

New York State (2002). Executive Law, Article 15. Human Rights Law. SONDA 2002. https://dhr.ny.gov/system/files/documents/2023/08/hrl.pdf.

O’Mara, A. (2022). Asexual Manifesto 2022: Radical Asexual Politics, 50 Years On. https://www.asexualmanifesto.org. Accessed 13 February 2023.

O’Reilly, Z. (1997). My life as an amoeba. https://web.archive.org/web/20030210212218/http://dispatches.azstarnet.com/zoe/amoeba.htm. Accessed 13 February 2023.

Orlando, L. (1972). The Asexual Manifesto. New York: New York Radical Feminists. https://archive.org/details/asexualmanifestolisaorlando/page/n1/mode/2up.

Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act (SONDA) (2002). Effective 16 January 2003. https://ag.ny.gov/resources/individuals/civil-rights/sexual-orientation-non-discrimination-act-sonda. Accessed 27 March 2023.

The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) (2023). Ace and Aro Journeys: A Guide to Embracing Your Asexual or Aromantic Identity. London and Philadelphia: Jessica Kingsley.

TAAAP (2023). Identity Terminology. The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project. https://taaap.org/learn/identity-terminology.