8 Passion Doula
Figure 1: Passion Doula Logo
Note. From Passion Doula, 2023 (https://passiondoula.com/). Copyright 2023 by Passion Doula.
elicia gonzales
elicia@passiondoula.com
Originally created for First Person Arts “Little Miss Bossy Pants” Story Slam
Created: March 5, 2023, Performed: March 28, 2023
i’m not a bossy bitch.
i’m the boss, BITCH
not girl boss
who’s the boss
SAMANTHA
just boss
bitch
boss of this
of aaaall of this.
hot mess and all
boss when i fly
boss when i cry
boss when i pry open the truth lurking behind that lyin’ ass smile
boss like
fire me?!
that shit ain’t right
but i am the light
this passion burns bright
boss like
i KNOW who i am,
i KNOW what we built,
i KNOW how to fight
and i will cut you with a mutha fuckin spoon
boss like (sucks teeth)
i won’t tho
cause bein the boss
means peace over pettiness (wink)
purpose over pride
drudging thru all that rubble left from your
TRAUMA TORNADO
boss
me
was. am. always will be.
me.
boss:
baby
only
sees
stars
stars in me,
in we
for we DO contain multitudes
and
baby i’m a staaaaar – whew
no but like for real- can i just share freely now? i’m not a spoken word artist but i do got something to say. and this story- SLAMS.
i recently woke up feeling (WOOOOKE. oh my gawd) inspired to connect to my younger self. i took out my journal and grabbed my pencil bag- you know the bags we had since elementary school to carry around the 2, #2 pencils, and prolly some lip smackers lip gloss, in the tin. yeah- the good shit.
i start the letter- “dear born to boogie.” i start it this way cause i remembered my younger, free ass self rockin’ a “i was born to boogie” tshirt- my fearless, joy-seeking, laughin, being silly self captured in a photo booth black and white. i had to be around 4.
that’s who i was before they said i am inferior.
me? i’m not enough? ME? do you even see me?? look at this short jumpsuit with the cherries all over it. look at my ponytails!?! look at how i can do this backbend and front handspring!
i skipped half year of kindergarten for fucks sake. i kissed TABER CHAPMAN for a whole 3 minutes in first grade at Ginger’s house!! no one was KISSING BOYS in first grade!!
a born trailblazer.
but yah ok- I’M not enough.
wait- am i not enough?? what if they’re right?? i DO talk different from my friends, dad’s hair IS long. wait- other people get their names pronounced correctly all the time. it’s EH-LEE- SEE-AH CREESTAL. no you can’t call me ALISHA, or eli, or E.
don’t forget my mama gave me my name
you don’t make me
so then i AM enough so that i can be
loved
nurtured
accepted
celebrated
seen?
but they’ll say i’m gonna have to start a grade behind when we move back from denver to the burbs.
mom will fight them to remind ME how smart i really am. it works.
the brown kids will call me whitewashed.
the white kids will call me beaner.
nope. not enough of EITHER, i guess.
i take my ponytails out and start using aqua net. i tell mom my hair needs to be big so it’ll make my body look skinnier.
i’m not thin enough.
i’ll go home bawling, mime-painted face buried in the pillow, knowing i can’t tell mom the reason for all the tears. she would only say that it’s no big deal and that i’m crying for nothin’. it’s over a boy who chose another girl at the 8th grade dance.
my feelings are not enough.
AND i’m not pretty enough.
damn. TWO in one day?!
on your halloween birthday?!
this fuckin’ sucks.
but there IS a spark,
a lightness that can’t be denied.
i’ll always get good grades and was asked to help create the 8th grade end-of-year slideshow for everyone – highschool was just a summer away.
so… i AM enough..
as a leader?
i lead more.
first one in my family to go to college. DEFINITELY the first 18-year-old college student in CO who said – jokingly at first- “I wanna be the next Dr. Ruth!”
So from that day on – I said “I’m an aspiring sex therapist”
And i DID JUST THAT
Well not exactly.
somewhere along the way,
I LOST my way.
Fear. Insecurity. Shame.
MOTHER FUCKIN CAPITALISM
he (cause you KNOW capitalism is a cis white dude, right?) whispered that I am a LEADER
so i SHOULD be…
a BOSS.
oh. being a BOSS means to lead?
i gotchu.
so i lead.
in my career – as a manager- an executive director.
TWICE!
but no more. FUCK THAT SHIT. book me for a gig and i’ll tell you why so you don’t get burned like i did trying to survive the non-profit industrial complex.)
i never even wanted to be on this path.
how the fuck did i get here?
why would i- why would ANYONE wanna hustle so hard for so many people “constituents” “stakeholders” staff, board, FUCKING DONORS (love you- my venmo is Elicia Hyphen Gonzales)
i’ma hussla
ima ima hussla
HOMIE
stop tryna sing. you lost that songbird voice in college when your singing class teacher calls you tone deaf. you stop dreaming of that singing career. you live it out on many a drunk karaoke nite.
boss? yes. the next madonna? not so much.
but this passion. she is bright. still! even when dim. even when they try to snuff it out. even in the shadows. this passion is fire.
and
everyone around me gets lit up too
i’m that girl
i AM that girl
that boss
not girl boss
just boss
boss like feeling
passion IS the purpose
i am rebirthing me
we are birthing we
i am the passion doula
Discussion Questions:
What is/are your passion/s?
When you think of “passion,” do you think it only references sex? Why or why not?
What does “passion is purpose” mean to you?
What does passion and capitalism have to do with one another?
What does sex/uality and capitalism have to do with one another?
