Listening to Others
4.8 Questions for Reflection and Listening Practices to Consider
I provide several “best practices” in listening in the following section based on classic and contemporary research, and on TED talks. Which practices seem worthy of testing in your everyday life? Identify one practice that appeals to you. In your imagination see yourself performing the activity sometime in the next twenty-four hours or next week. Then, when the opportunity arises, perform the practice and assess how it serves you.
Good listener and Radical Deep listener
When reflecting on your habitual patterns of listening to those in your close personal relationships, would you say your behavior aligns more often with the “good listener” or with the “radical deep listener”?
When you reflect further, what aspects of the good or radical deep listener might you begin to “play with”?
Biological Cascade and Choice in Listening to Others
When you experience being negatively activated in a conversation (stressed out), can you recognize the biological cascade of events flowing through the body and then choose to respond with empathy? If this is very difficult, consider adopting a mindfulness meditation practice to assist in coping with the biological stress response and/or employing Truitt’s neuroscience-based practices combined with self-havening. These practices may develop more freedom to purposefully choose a more compassionate response when you feel negatively activated in a conversation.
If you are willing to engage in a mindfulness practice to cope with stress, what kind of meditation might you enjoy? Where would you practice? When? For how long? See suggestions in the previous section on meditation to get started or to deepen if you already have a regular meditation practice.
Empathic Listening to Others
Are you more of a cognitive empathizer (identifying with the other person’s content) or an affective empathizer (identifying with the other person’s feelings) or perhaps you empathize with both?
Can you identify any practices in this section that you want to grow in? Which ones?
What small practice might you try to nudge you into becoming a more empathic listener?
Consider the nonviolent communication empathic practice of guessing your communication partner’s feelings and needs. What low-stakes situation might you explore to practice guessing the feelings and needs of your communication partner in the next twenty-four hours? After practicing, discuss your empathic attempt with your communication partner. What went well? What could be modified for next time?
How well developed are your feelings and needs vocabularies? Unless educated in these areas, most individuals could develop a more diverse and richer feelings and needs vocabulary.
To begin increasing your emotional vocabulary, take a five-minute tour of the Atlas of Emotions to discover the nuances of your emotions.
To develop a needs vocabulary, visit Neef’s free online book, the Human Needs Matrix, and make a list of your daily personal needs on a three-by-five-inch notecard (or write a “note” on your mobile phone) and place it in your pocket. For one week, refer to your needs list sometime before noon and then again before bedtime.
How well are you meeting your own needs? Are there any needs that are consistently neglected? What could you do differently to meet one of these neglected needs in a socially acceptable manner? How does understanding your own needs assist you in empathizing with the needs of others?
Digital Listening
A large proportion of our lives is consumed with digital listening in a myriad of forms. How mindful are you of your digital listening habits?
Re-read the section on Levy’s protocol for mindfully listening to your digital listening habits. Test out Levy’s protocol for one of your digital devices for twenty-four or forty-eight hours. What insights did you uncover? Create a new digital listening strategy that might better serve you if appropriate.
Dual Awareness: 2LS
Recall that the 2LS abbreviation represents a sequence of activities for optimal listening. Begin at the end of your day before bedtime, working backward through the day to explore the sequence of listening and speaking for one significant relationship in your life.
How well does your communication behavior align with the 2LS pattern of listening to yourself first, listening to the other second, and speaking if necessary? Is there anything you might like to change in the way you sequence your communication in this relationship? If so, how might you initiate a small change in the next twenty-four hours?
Listening to Others with a Listening Stick
I invite you to craft your own listening stick. Alternatively, perhaps a meaningful small object (e.g., a seashell, candle, or figurine) could serve as your listening stick.
Re-read the listening stick instructions and make them your own by revising them in any way that makes sense to you. Arrange for a half-hour listening session with a trusted friend in a relatively quiet place that is free of distractions. Explain your version of the listening stick protocol to your friend. Follow the protocol as best you can. Afterwards, spend a few minutes talking with each other about the experience. What insights and learnings emerged? How might you apply these insights to your relationship without using a listening stick?