11 Another Tale of the Purple Jade Hairpin

She laid on the bed, her existence remnant of the near transparent silk her lover had written his equally thin promises of love upon the first night they met. Her frail body was like words written into the sand, a faint mark left behind that was not a statement of her presence, but closer to a reminder of what it had once been. Yet, her mind seemed to fare worse. Like the parrot kept caged in her courtyard, at this point of her despair, her vocabulary was limited and there seemed to be only one thing that dominated her thoughts. Li Yi.

Xiaoyu was well aware of the fact that it was this name, this face, this memory, that was the hand that drove the knife deep into her heart. This invisible blade would remain lodged in her chest, keeping her fixed in between the chasm of living and dying, until his hands wrapped around the hilt and relieved her from her pain. But she seemed to know that as soon as he tore this knife from her, the overwhelming feelings of betrayal, sorrow, despair, destitution, would all gush out of her in a flash of red and her time in this realm would cease.

And somehow she wished for this. She was unable to describe the feelings she felt towards him. She knew there was definitely a presence of love, but hate? She couldn’t be certain. He did promise to love her and promised to come back to her, and he did break his word, but she also knew from the beginning of their relationship that it was not fated to be. Xiaoyu recalled her first night with him, whereupon she weeped while fearing the days ahead when he would leave her as she aged. But at least that night, he was there to embrace her and brush the tears from her face. She raised her thin fingers to her pale cheeks and traced the tear stains her sorrow had left behind, like rivers that left behind canyons. The door to her room slid back and her maid entered, “Huansha,” the name left Xiaoyu’s cracked lips in an excited whisper, “were you able to sell my dresses? Do we have enough for the fortune teller?”

“Yes, miss.” the girl replied with a twinge of regret.

“Prepare the carriage. We’ll leave at once.”

***

Xiaoyu sat upright. Her body tilted slightly forward, her nails were starting to prick her palms from how tightly she held her hands, her eyes were wide, and her breath still, all in an air of anxious eagerness. This was certainly not her first visit to get her fortune told, however, each time she was seated in front of the shaman like this, she was overwhelmed by emotions of nervous desperation interwoven with wholehearted hopefulness.

“Tell me miss, what is it that you are here for today?” the older woman asked.

“My husband.” Xiaoyu answered, “I want to know where he is, I want to know how he is, I want to know when I will see him again, if I will see him again. I want to know his feelings for me.” The requests subconsciously tumbled out of her mouth.

The shaman’s eyes flitted towards the ground, her lips pressed together with the edges turned slightly down and a “hmm” emanated from her throat as a look of puzzling concentration swept over her face.

“Xiaoyu, was it?” the woman didn’t wait for her to confirm before continuing, “You were not of this realm in your past life. You used to be a fairy, but because of your trespasses agains the laws of the heavens, you’ve been banished down here. Whatever it is that you did, you’ve greatly offended the gods for they are not only punishing you by banishing you here to live amongst humans, but you’ve also been cursed to chase after a wicked man.”

At this Xiaoyu stood abruptly and with anger like steam emitting from her body and a harsh tongue she snapped, “Li Yi is not wicked! You don’t know him and you certainly don’t know me. Ha! What is this fairy nonsense? I have been cast out, yes, but by my family, not these gods like you claim.” Seething now, she brought her face closer to the shaman, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, old woman.”

The shaman, unaffected by the girl’s outburst, met her eyes with a calming look and said, “You may reject what I’ve told you, but I assure you, it is true. He is not a good man, dear. I’m sure you know this well in your heart too. From what I know about your story, he will only worsen if time allows it. This is written into his fate. I advise you to prepare to mourn.”

“Mourn.” Xiaoyu repeated to herself. She wondered what the woman meant. To mourn the death of their relationship? She couldn’t. She wouldn’t let their story just end like that, just because of the words of some crazy lady.

***

Xiaoyu was slumped over, heaving desperate breaths of air, her clothes damp with sweat, and strands of her hair clung to her face. Her eyelids blinked rapidly, her heart pumped irregularly, and in her attempt to gain composure, she slipped off the bed with a soft thump.

“My lady!” Huansha cried. She immediately entered the room and rushed to her mistress’s side.

“Xiaoyu! What happened, are you alright my child?” The body attached to this voice belonged to the weak girl’s mother, Jingchi. She dismissed the maid with a look and assumed a position next to her daughter, brushing her hair tenderly with her slender and barely weathered hands. While holding Xiaoyu’s head gently in her arms, her daughter began to speak, “I had a dream, mother. A man in yellow robes brought Li Yi here, and he asked me to take off my shoes. But for some reason, I have a bad feeling. I think that Li Yi and I will meet soon, but that will be the last time. The dream is telling me that after we see each other, we will be separated indefinitely.” Xiaoyu stated her interpretation with a shaky voice but a firm resolution. At first, she thought this was simply the fortune teller getting under her skin, but this dream washed away any doubt and mistrust that she had previously felt. The woman had told her to be ready to mourn, but it wasn’t their stale relationship that she was talking about. Xiaoyu was sure that tonight, someone was leaving this realm.

In preparation for their final meeting, she urged her mother to powder and rouge her face. Jingchi, with despair and pity in her heart, worked silently, and as soon as the last brushstroke left her daughter’s lips, they were both alerted by a commotion coming from the courtyard. He had arrived.

The maiden quickly pulled clothes over her sickly body and walked westward to the inner hall, where, for the first time in years, she put her eyes on the man that turned his back on her. Xiaoyu said nothing at all, she just took in his presence while a sea of emotions flowed from her heart, swam through her bloodstream, and finally swirled around in her head. Lulls of happiness, thunders of anger, resentment, fondness, agony, anguish all fought tumultuously to produce a single dominant and coherent answer to what she was feeling in this moment. She was so engulfed in her own confusion, she barely caught glimpses of a yellow robed man walking about the chamber, assisting in the delivery of food into the hall. This, and the soft cries of the people around her, she didn’t fully perceive. To Xiaoyu, there was no heaven, there was no earth, there was no hell, there was no dream, there was no man in yellow, there were no sounds of sobs, there was only herself and Li Yi.

Xiaoyu knew the time had come, she had to make a decision. But she was unable to grasp the answer. Recalling what the fortune teller had told her, and confirmed by the ashamed and silent man that dared not lock eyes with her, Xiaoyu knew in both her heart and her head that Li Yi was not good. He had promised not to leave her, he had promised to come back for her, and finally years later he stood in front of her, only because he was brought against his will. Whether or not Li Yi actually loved her during their first night, or the two years that followed, that was all irrelevant. He had used her. He knew one way or another, he wouldn’t end up with Xiaoyu, but he led her on with empty oaths and without sending her word, he kept her trapped waiting for his return. He had ruined her. Li Yi was well aware of the ways of society, he knew that she would be unable to move on and find someone new, and yet he got entangled with her anyway. She felt her body strengthen as she became increasingly enraged. She clutched her cup, and with her eyes fixated on Li Yi’s, she turned it over and let the wine splash faintly onto the ground.

“I, a woman, have certainly been born unlucky. You, so fortunate to be a man, are so heartless. How could you do this to me?”

At this moment, because Xiaoyu’s hair had grown weak from her illness, her purple jade hairpin became loose and slipped down to the floor with a clang, illuminating the stillness in the room. As her thin hair spilled out and a few wispy threads swayed in front of her face, the scholar made his first movements since being in the room with the girl he had disgraced. He walked over to her, bent down and picked up the accessory, then he gently took her trembling hand and placed it in her palm.

“I’m sorry.” He finally spoke. “This wasn’t my intention. I feel terrible knowing you’re in this state because of me, I just couldn’t bear to see you again knowing that I wouldn’t be able to uphold the promises I made you. I thought that if we had to meet again, and I had to tell you what you already know to be true, it would just hurt more. I won’t ask for your forgiveness, I don’t deserve it. I just hope that your health will improve.”

“You’re despicable.” Xiaoyu said, tears escaping her eyes. She felt that knife he dug in her heart quivering, begging to be wrenched out. “It would be easier to hate you.” The tears blurred her vision and her body wobbled. She swayed dangerously and as she stumbled, her foot got caught on her long and now loose robes. Li Yi swiftly but unstably stepped in front of her to break her fall, and in an instance of twisted fate, Xiaoyu’s body crashed down to the floor, with his beneath hers.

The fallen maiden looked at the scholar, whose eyes had finally met with hers. But, she realized, he wasn’t blinking. Looking farther down, she saw her purple jade hairpin, planted firmly into his unmoving chest. Xiaoyu let out a scream at the sight. The more the red liquid seeped from underneath his not yet cold body, the more desperate her cries became. Tried all she could, he could not be revived. In her fit of anguished sobs and flurry of unstraightened emotions, her weakened body could no longer support the suffering Xiaoyu underwent, and she tragically collided with the cold and freshly stained ground.