26 Power of Empathy
Purpose
The purpose of this activity is to explore the meaning of empathy and the language and behaviors inherent in an empathic connection.
Learning Objectives
Participants will:
- Distinguish between sympathy and empathy.
- Explain the four elements that demonstrate empathy according to Brene Brown.
- Recognize responses that do not create connection.
- Recognize responses that create empathy and connection
- Critically reflect on the role of empathy in creating civilizations.
Activity Directions
Set-Up: Chairs and tables in a horseshoe formation, so that everyone can view the screen for the videos.
- Full Group: Write the word empathy on the whiteboard or a flip-chart paper. Ask the group to define empathy and give examples of how it is shown between people.
- Define: Ask them what the difference is between empathy and sympathy.
- Video: Tell them they will be watching a short animated video by Dr. Brene Brown. Their task is to report back on how Brene Brown describes the difference between sympathy and empathy and the four steps to expressing empathy. (They can take notes if they want).
4. Debrief the video. What are your reactions to this video? According to Brene Brown, what is the difference between sympathy and empathy? What are the four steps to to empathic responding that were identified in this video? What do you think it means to “feel with” people? Any other reactions to the video? Have you had an experience where you got down in the “pit” with someone? Or has someone ever got down into the “pit” with you? Is there anyone here that would like to share a story of a time they experienced empathy?
5. Skit Demonstrations: Take the following two hand-outs with the “Don’ts of Empathic Communication” and “The Responses that show Empathy and Caring.” Cut the lists up so that there is one example on each piece of paper. Divide group into dyads and give the negative examples to half the class and the positive responses to the other half. Ask them to prepare a 2 minute skit demonstrating their example. Allow them 10 minutes to develop their skit and then have everyone perform their scenario.
Note: With a bigger group you may have more than one dyad presenting an example.
You could have the group present their skit and the audience can guess by reading their hand-outs which positive or negative behavior is being demonstrated.
Hand-out #1
Don’ts of Empathic Listening
When you empathise with somebody, you recognise their experience without judging it, changing it or turning away from it. When you feel empathy from somebody, this is what they might display:
- Active listening. They allow you to speak and encourage you to open up about your emotions and experiences. They may use verbal queues or words to do this, summarise what you say or paraphrase it.
- Their response is non-judgmental. They will simply allow you to express what needs to be said.
- If and when you feel comfortable, they could hug you or touch your arm in a reassuring way.
Compassion is also a feature of empathy. It’s a recognition that we all suffer and no matter how difficult it is to sit with somebody whilst they suffer, the listener will be present and open to it.
Here’s what to avoid saying when someone has shared something difficult with you.
1. DEFLECTING
“Um. RIP. That, like, sucks. Oh yeah, did you watch the game last night?”
When someone shares something painful, it’s natural to feel uncomfortable and want to change the topic.
But this type of response can actually make the other person feel hurt and think that you don’t really care.
2. DIMINISHING
“At least you got 51%. And hey, I heard someone got, like, 20%. You did so well in comparison!”
Maybe your instinct is to find the silver lining in a challenging circumstance or to compare your friend’s situation with those of people in a worse spot.
However, by starting statements with “at least” or comparing to other people’s circumstances, it can actually make the individuals you’re comforting feel like they have no right to feel the way they do.
3. DISMISSING
“Calm down. You’re overthinking it.”
When other people share something that you feel isn’t “a big deal,” you may automatically think that they are brooding over things that aren’t worth their time and attempt to give them perspective.
However well-intentioned, such a response can end up sounding dismissive, as though you don’t care about what the other person is experiencing.
4. DIRECTIONAL QUESTIONING
“You’re okay, right? I mean, it’s been a month…are you feeling better now?”
Maybe you tend to ask questions like the above because you’re hoping that what the person is going through has ended.
Although these questions can sound innocuous, they can make the person feel like he or she is supposed to be okay now because “enough” time has passed…when this may not be true.
5. DISHING OUT (UNWANTED) ADVICE OR ANECDOTES
“Here’s what I would do.”
It’s tempting to give advice, especially when you feel there’s a practical solution that would resolve your friend’s issue.
But sometimes people just want you to listen, or they aren’t ready to take action. Avoid making judgments and giving advice on what the other person should or should not do—set them (not yourself) as the standard.
“I mean, she didn’t pass the course…but that doesn’t mean you won’t. So don’t worry, you’ll be totally fine.”
Giving stories with negative outcomes isn’t that helpful when comforting others. Despite your advice to “not worry,” they may feel that they themselves can’t succeed, either.
Source:students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
Hand-Out #2 Responses that show empathy and caring
Brene Brown says that we don’t need to find a perfect response because it is mostly our presence and connection that helps people know that we empathize with their situation. But words, too, can be helpful, when they are spoken with thoughtfulness.
Here are some supportive ways to respond to people who share something personal and difficult with you:
.1. CALLING OUT THEIR COURAGE
“Thank you for trusting me with this. It means a lot to me.”
Acknowledge their courage in being vulnerable. Share your appreciation that they chose to confide in you and let them know that you’ll keep what they shared in complete confidence.
2. CLARIFYING
“From what I’m hearing, you are feeling X. Is that right?”
During the conversation, show that you are listening by asking questions that focus on how they are feeling. In the words of Studs Terkel, a Pulitzer Prize-winning oral historian, “Don’t be an examiner, be the interested inquirer.”
By reiterating the reasons for why they are feeling the way they do, you can ensure that you understand the situation correctly, and you’re letting them know that their experiences are heard.
3. CHARACTER BOOSTING
“This is a difficult situation and I think you’ve shown a lot of courage and strength in how you’re handling things.”
Point out the strengths in their character, which can help them understand that they have the power to overcome what they are going through—without minimizing their experience.
4. CONVEYING THAT YOU CARE
“I’m here for you. What do you think I could do to help you feel better?”
Reassure them that you will be there for them and that you want to help—and then show up when you say you will.
“You know yourself best, what do you think would be most helpful to you right now?”
Helping them find solutions by asking what they would like you to do is not the same as you giving advice. Remember to treat others the way they want to be treated.
5. CHECKING IN
“How are you feeling today?”
Be sure to follow up with them a few days later. Unlike the type of questioning that conveys expectations of how they should feel, follow up with open-ended questions that instead allow them to share.
Source: students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
5. After each skit do a short debrief checking in on how that particular response made the speaker feel. What were the verbal and non-verbal behaviors that either created disconnection or connection? Why do you think we often use some of the ineffective responses? (i.e. want to fix the problem and make the person feel o.k. quickly).
Key Takeaway: Everyone is the expert of their own life
As an empathic listener I won’t:
Try to fix you
Give you advice
Tell you what to do
Pretend I know more about you than I do
Assume what is best for you
Have all the answers
Make the hard stuff go away
I will . . . .
Remind you that you aren’t broken
Give you room to access your wisdom
Remember that only you know what is best for you.
6. Video and Discussion: End the session by viewing “The Empathic Civilization.” Discuss: With all the wars and climate disasters and suffering happening in the world right now, do participants agree that humans are “hard-wired” for empathy? What would we need to do in our small corner of this planet, to make small steps towards creating an empathic civilization?
Key Takeaway
Stay curious and attentive
“We often practise empathy without realizing it. Reading a book, watching a movie, sitting in front of a play—we relate to and invest in the characters, even if their lives are and will always be fictional and imagined.
Empathy, after all, means seeing something from another’s perspective—understanding how and why a person thinks and feels a certain way. Be curious and attentive towards how others around you are feeling—and when a friend tells you something difficult, choose empathetic responses to show that you genuinely care and that you’re there to listen.
Remember that words have the power to create change, to foster connection, and to help others overcome challenges and feel less alone in whatever they’re facing.”
Materials and Resources
- Screen set up to view videos.
- Hand-Outs printed or sent digitally to students. If doing skits the individual examples from both sets of hand-outs can be cut up so that each pair or small group can demonstrate one of the positive or negative responses.
Online Adaptation
I have shown both of these videos on-line and then put people into zoom break-out rooms to experiment with the negative and positive responses.