4.1 Best Practices for Listening to Others: Classic and Contemporary

Classic advice about listening to others that stood the test of time is the six “guides to good listening” presented in Ralph Nichols and Leonard Steven’s, Are You Listening?:^[1]

1. Take time to listen.
2. Be attentive.
3. Employ three kinds of verbal reactions only.
4. Never probe for additional facts.
5. Never evaluate what has been said.
6. Never lose faith in the ability of the talker to solve his [or her] own problems.

The six guides to good listening are heavily influenced by Carl Roger’s nondirective client-centered therapy.^[2] The potential value of adopting a nondirective listening style is summarized in Nichols and Steven’s book (quoting Rogers):

If I can listen to what he [or she] tells me, I can understand how it seems to him [or her], if I can sense the emotional flavor which it has for him [or her], then I will be releasing potent forces of change within him [or her].^[3]

I wondered how Nichols and Steven’s 1957 advice squares with contemporary listening research. In a 2016 empirical study of 3492 participants, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman identify the top five percent of “great listeners” as those who:

. . . are not just being silent (silence; not interrupting); they ask insightful questions and paraphrase ideas (paraphrasing) to demonstrate understanding.

. . . create a safe environment (taking time) in which complex, difficult, and/or emotional issues can be discussed.

. . . observe nonverbal cues of the face, gestures, posture, breathing, and perspiration.

. . . challenge assumptions, disagree, and make suggestions in a way  that supports the other person in a cooperative manner.

. . . identify and validate emotions in a supportive nonjudgmental way (no moral judgment/evaluation).^[4]

Four of the six qualities of “great listeners” identified by Zenger and Folkman in 2016 are similar to the “guides for good listening” proposed by Nichols and Stevens in 1957. But there are also important differences. Zenger and Folkman’s findings that great listeners challenge assumptions, disagree, ask questions, and make suggestions sharply contrasts with Nichols and Steven’s foundational advice based on Rogerian nondirective listening.

I suggest that these apparent contradictory findings are actually complementary. Namely, there is a time and place for nondirective listening, and another time and place for questioning, disagreement, and making suggestions. For instance, if a family member is exiting a doctor’s office in tears, and sharing about their grave medical diagnosis, then that is probably not the best time to question them about the wisdom of the doctor’s prognosis. It is probably a time and place to use nondirective listening, empathizing and providing comfort. Later, at a more appropriate time and place, one might inquire about the validity of the diagnosis, and question if a second opinion might be warranted.

In addition to Nichols and Stevens’s (1957) and Zenger and Folkman (2016), there is also an important ethical perspective of listening promulgated by Elizabeth Parks and framed as “10 Habits of Spacious Listeners” summarized by the acronym “I CARE FOR US.” ^[5] I paraphrase Park’s ten ethical listening habits here: Invest (in the dialog), Care (for the dialogue), Authentic (be), Remember (the ongoing story), Engage (in critical problem solving), Focus (on what matters), Open (be open to learning), Respond (to needs), Understanding (yourself, the other, and the dialog), and Stay (as in stay present). Note that Park’s advice subsumes much of the previous advice and adds several other ideas, including remembering, caring, and staying present in listening to others. I  explore additional ideas of what makes a “good” and a “radically deep” listener in another section on TED talks, but first I explore classic and contemporary edited books on listening in the next section.