Peer Review: Written Responses
After you have developed a solid draft, you are ready to receive feedback from your peers. To prepare for peer review, reread the assignment prompt in Writing Process: Focusing on the Angle of Your Subject and the assessment rubric in Evaluation: Text as Personal Introduction. Then, read your peer’s entire profile before giving feedback. In your feedback, strive to be both clear and kind—clearly state the strengths and weaknesses of the text in the most supportive way possible. If you need guidance, use the model sentences in Table 2.7 to structure your feedback.
| Peer Review Feedback Model Sentences |
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After reading your peer’s profile thoroughly, use Table 2.8 to provide thoughtful and detailed feedback.
| Date |
Review of [peer] by [insert your name] |
| Profile Genre Element | Feedback for Your Peer |
| Subject | What interests you about your peer’s subject? What information could your peer provide to deepen that interest? |
| Angle | What angle has your peer taken in this draft? What suggestions do you have for refining the angle? |
| Structure | How has your peer organized the profile? If you would recommend a different structure, what would you recommend, and why? |
| Paragraph Focus (anecdote, quotes, facts, background, and context) | Has your peer included an array of genre elements in the paragraphs? How could your peer strengthen this aspect of the work? |
| Tone, Tense, and Description |
Is your peer’s tone or written attitude appropriate for the profile? Why or why not? What suggestions do you have for strengthening or changing the tone? Are verb tenses consistent? If not, how might your peer adjust them? How might your peer show readers aspects of the subject as well as tell about them? |
| Research |
How does your peer’s draft show evidence of
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| Audience | What suggestions do you have for your peer to connect better with the intended audience? |
| Additional Comments | In what other ways might your peer strengthen the draft? |
Revising: Incorporating Written Responses
After you have received feedback from your peer(s), read it carefully. If you have received feedback from more than one peer, strongly consider addressing comments on which they agree. If you have received comments encouraging you to make revision, editing, and proofreading changes, prioritize revision—making major changes in content, structure, and organization. You may need to add, delete, or rearrange information or the way in which you present the material. You may rearrange information within paragraphs or add topic sentences if needed. Much of the feedback your peers give you based on the form above will probably fit into the category of revision.
Evaluate Yourself
Another way to approach revision is to compare and contrast your work against the rubric for the assignment in Evaluation: Text as Personal Introduction, which guides you through the process of evaluating your work using the standards given in the assignment rubric.
| Use the Rubric to Improve Your Draft |
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| Use your notes from this worksheet to revise, edit, and proofread your work. |
Revised Draft Profile Sample
This section provides one example of a revised profile draft written by a first-year college student. As you will read, the admirable quality that Houston Byrd focuses on in this essay is that his subject, a brick-and-mortar video store, offers “a crucial and important service to its community.” You will also see the ways in which Byrd both “shows and tells” readers about his subject, offering information drawn from each type of required research: interview, field observation, and secondary sources. Byrd has chosen to insert himself and his experiences of his subject fully into this profile. Read Byrd’s essay to see how well he incorporates the narrative and reporting profile genre elements in his draft.
After Byrd received peer feedback, he decided that his previous draft did not need much revision; he was happy with his structure, and the organization made sense to his readers. One peer suggested that Byrd insert topic sentences in each paragraph, but he ultimately decided not to do so because he thought his paragraphs held together well as written. As you revise your work in response to peer feedback, you may also choose to accept some suggestions while rejecting others.
Byrd paid close attention to peer feedback indicating that his draft had many long, complicated sentences; in the draft below, the originals are noted after the edited sentences. He also acted on feedback about verb tense consistency. Furthermore, Byrd made proofreading changes, such as adding the MLA-required right header and changing the placement of some punctuation marks. As with all writing, this draft could be improved even more with further revision. After reading the essay, discuss with a peer the revision, editing, and proofreading changes you would recommend if you were reading this draft for peer review.
Heaven Is in Toad Frog Alley
The realm of physical film, if not already dead, is dying. More so than decaying cellulose, the entire medium as an art form is declining. According to The Guardian, DVD and Blu-Ray sales were down this past holiday by over 30% each (Sweney). Some say that streaming services and on-demand viewing are the culprits. Whatever the case, the answer is not so simple, and the notion is very alarming. The decrease in relevance of physical media is no secret. Mass closures of video rental powerhouses such as Blockbuster Video and Movie Gallery began at the turn of the decade.
The original sentence read: It is no secret that physical media has been on the decline, especially with the mass closures of video rental powerhouses such as Blockbuster Video and Movie Gallery near the beginning of the decade.
This example demonstrates a pattern throughout the revised draft in which Byrd broke apart some of his longer sentences and improved their wording. Notice that he changes tense in the last sentence for a reason: the trend is happening now, but video rental stores began closing in the past.
Though the memory lives on in millennial nostalgia, the world of physical movie sales is not completely irrelevant. Many of the large rental chains have since closed down, but beyond the major highways is an all-but-forgotten world of local video stores. In my home state, one store in particular, called Toad Frog Alley Videos, lives in that world, located in the small town of Cleveland, Alabama. I had the privilege of visiting the store and speaking with its owner, Kandy Little, about her experiences operating at a time when physical media was scarce. Through my visit and conversation, I have come to appreciate the importance of Toad Frog Alley Videos. I truly believe that the store provides a crucial and important service to its community, as well as highlights the nature of physical film and the need for preservation.
In this introductory paragraph, Byrd establishes the stakes for his profile subject, offering both background and context for understanding the video store’s importance to its community. He also makes some editing and proofreading changes to strengthen the draft and presents his main point, or thesis, here at the end of the introduction.
Miles off of I-65, a major Alabama interstate, Toad Frog Alley stands, an almost well-kept secret. The idea of such a welcoming business being hidden saddened me—and still does—but, in turn, gave the illusion of adventure. Driving through winding county roads to get there, I could feel the world almost disappearing into unexplored territory.
Original: There is a moment, winding through country roads, where the world seems to disappear into unexplored territory. Byrd corrected the sentence to get rid of a “there is” construction, a dangling modifier, and inconsistent verb tenses.
Suddenly, there were no street names, no lines on the pavement, and sometimes no pavement at all. At the end of one of these “not much of a road” roads stood Toad Frog Alley Videos.
Byrd changed the underlined verb from is to stands for a more vivid verb. He then changed it to the past tense to maintain consistency with the verbs he uses in relating his visit to the store.
My first impression stepping inside was awe. Shelves lining the walls reached from floor to ceiling, each packed full of titles, perfectly alphabetized and separated by genre.
Original: Lining the walls were shelves that reached from floor to ceiling. Each shelf was completely full of titles, which were perfectly alphabetized and separated by genre. In this case, Byrd combined, rather than separated, sentences to avoid repetition, substitute more active verbs, and vary sentence structure.
Between the walls were standalone shelves, organized in the same fashion. I expected a kind of personal collection, but I felt as if I had actually traveled back in time to the major rental stores of old (or rather of ten years ago). To community members, the setup meant another option for Saturday night, but for a film lover like me,
Original: for me, a film lover,
this place was heaven.
In the body of his draft, Byrd advances his thesis, drawing on information from each of the required types of sources.
After my initial feelings, I was hit with a second wave, one that can only be described as abysmal. At the front of the store was a counter, being worked by one employee. The register was clunky and archaic, which made
Original: something that makes
a public library look like the headquarters of Google. In the center of the store was a foldable table that read “FOR SALE.” On the table lay DVDs, either damaged or unwanted, strewn about with no rhyme or reason.
Original: The table was filled with DVDs, some damaged and some unwanted, strewn about with no rhyme or reason like the rest of the store.
Aside from me, there was only one patron, a middle-aged woman, shopping as if she had been there before but did not know what she wanted. I started to become depressed. I was not sure exactly what I had imagined, but I knew this place was nowhere close. I had convinced myself I was on a journey to find the “last great video store,” an oasis of film, flowing with patrons renting Milk and American Honey.
Original: I did not know what exactly I had imagined, but with my passion for physical film and rental stores alike, I had convinced myself I was on a journey to find the “last great video store,” an oasis of film, flowing with patrons renting Milk and American Honey. This sentence is another example in which Byrd broke a longer sentence apart and polished the wording.
Only when
Original: It was not until
I took a breath and began looking around was I able to see Toad Frog Valley for what the store
Original: it
was. Every blank wall space featured posters, equally sporting Oscar winners and underground art-house films.
This sentence provides a solid example of revising a “there were” or “there are” sentence construction; the original read: There were posters on every blank wall space, not just of each year’s Oscar winner, but underground art-house films as well.
The endcaps of each standalone shelf were filled with top picks, recent releases, or staff choices.
Here, Byrd revises for varied word choice; the original read: top picks, recent releases, or staff picks.
A television in the corner softly played a film of the employee’s choice. Toad Frog Alley
Original: This
may not have been the perfect haven for cinephiles and collectors that I had hoped, but it showed an undeniable element of care. The store was something of a museum, one that lets people borrow the items they love. I left with a smile on my face and a movie in my hand.
I want to believe that everyone has experienced a similar video store moment. If that were true, though, why did so many close in the first place?
Original: I want to believe that if everyone could experience a moment of awe in a video store, then the demand would resurface, but if that were true, why did so many close in the first place?
Why also are stores like Toad Frog Alley still operating? Back in 2010, when rental chains were beginning to close doors indefinitely, many entertainment news sites noticed a trend. Among them was The Hollywood Reporter, which noted that over 35% of independent video stores had tanning beds. They reported the trend, saying, “[Independents] use every niche they can think of to survive and be respected in their communities” (Bond). While tanning beds may look like the supplemental savior for many locally owned stores, this notion
Here, Byrd defines the word this by inserting the word notion.
is not necessarily the case, says Kandy Little. Kandy is the owner of Toad Frog Valley Video Store and has been since 1995.
The tense shifts to present when Kandy Little is discussed but returns to the past when Byrd relates her background.
Ironically, Kandy bought a tanning salon in hopes of opening a video store. At the time, there was a much higher demand for rentals in almost every community, and Toad Frog Alley was no exception. Though she admits tanning has increased over the years (with rentals, of course, declining), to Kandy, tanning was not the savior. “[Toad Frog Alley Videos] is still open because I work it myself most of the time,” she says. “No one else will take care of your business as well as you do.” With an inventory of over 5,000 films, Kandy believes that physical media is important for her community. Local business is important for creating jobs and city revenue, and Kandy provides both through her love of movies.
Even though Toad Frog Alley is doing well, the scarcity of rental stores is something to consider. In the digital age, media is accessible to practically everyone. Streaming services such as Netflix and Hulu have made media available for viewers without requiring them to leave their homes. For physical rentals
Original: As far as physical rentals go.
nationwide kiosks called Redbox are set up in major grocery stores and pharmacies. In largely populated areas, these services have contributed to the downfall of video stores. In small towns across the country, however, many stores like Toad Frog Alley are still alive.
Original: In largely populated areas, these services have contributed to the downfall of video stores, but in rural America, many stores like Toad Frog Alley are still alive. This revision heightens the contrast between populated areas and small towns.
In 2018, the Harvard Political Review looked into why rural areas are struggling socioeconomically. The research concluded that the problem comes from the inability to keep the attention of a younger generation. The idea of the “American Dream” is largely accompanied by main streets, small towns, and mom-and-pop shops. Unfortunately, countryside communities are suffering, despite featuring many of these elements.
Original: Though the idea of the “American Dream” is largely accompanied by main streets, small towns, and mom-and-pop shops, rural communities have seen drastic population decreases even while holding many of these. The revision breaks the original sentence apart and makes stronger, clearer word choices.
Farming, a large majority of pastoral industry, has become increasingly mechanized with technological advancement. On top of that, failing education and inadequate healthcare in underfunded areas have contributed to population loss as well. Many young people are unwilling to live in rural America,
Original: in these rural areas,
and thus jobs
Deleted: , one of the largest incentives in most communities,
have become scarce. The Review states that “ultimately, the only way citizens will be attracted to small towns is if the quality of life is attractive and sustainable… [but] the growing demand of the U.S. economy will continue drawing people toward… [a] quality of life often deemed synonymous with urban living” (Elkadi). This cycle leaves many rural settings unappealing, not only to residents but also to businesses like Internet providers. In many cases, rural areas are deemed unprofitable for modern services. Descriptions so negative contribute to the lack of digital services available to communities. Businesses
Original: Stores
such as Toad Frog Alley thus provide a necessary service for a town that may have little access to digital content.
All of these factors raise
Original: This raises
a question: Is physical media doomed to a state of limbo in rural communities? Some believe film was meant to die, and should. Following the controversial shutdown of the “classic films” streaming service FilmStruck, Professor Katherine Groo shared a perspective in The Washington Post: “The collapse of FilmStruck might go some way toward reminding us of the fundamental virtuality [sic] of film and film spectatorship” (Groo). Groo goes so far as to ask “whether [FilmStruck’s catalog listings] are the works we need to rescreen or urge others to discover.” Groo does not lament the death of FilmStruck as film “erosion” or “erasure.”
In the original, the previous sentence occurred later in the paragraph; Byrd moved it here in the revision to present the information in a way that made more sense for readers.
She mentions different film archives, like the Library of Congress and Kanopy, doing open-access experimentation, but overlooks an important factor. Groo asserts that only the privileged are able to access a paid service, but she neglects rural areas and others that cannot access archives, paid or free.
Deleted: For people like Kandy Little,
Toad Frog Alley remains important for the enjoyment and education of people in the town that film provides. As technology keeps progressing, archaic forms of media consumption are necessary for areas that do not yet have access to the new technologies. Kandy predicts this, and more, when asked about the digital age and the coexistence of physical and online media:
Original: Kandy predicts this, and more, when I asked her how she felt about the digital age, and the coexistence of physical and online media:
“Studios are already giving exclusive rights to different cable companies. Once the avenues are spread out, customers will have to pay more for accessing media. The video store is here offering better prices and more media in one place.” To her, the transition back into physical media is only a matter of time.
As a proponent of physical media, I am thankful that Kandy and Toad Frog Alley exist. Though nothing is wrong with enjoying the luxuries of streaming, and digital film preservation is admirable, the market is becoming saturated. Saturated markets lead to higher prices and necessitate multiple subscriptions just to access desired films.
Original: Though it is not wrong to enjoy the luxuries of streaming, and digital film preservation is admirable, the market is becoming saturated, which leads to higher prices and necessitates multiple subscriptions just to access desired films.
Though people in rural communities are still able to rent videos, they would be left behind in the case of film becoming solely digital. Video stores provide important business and atmosphere to communities. Even though digitizing film is more affordable and accessible to many people, it may not be what is best for both films and consumers.
In the original, these sentences were combined with , and.
For those like me, with a passion for film, the only reciprocity for the love that video stores instill is to show love in the form of support. As Kandy eloquently said at the end of our interview, “I really don’t have a favorite film. I just love films.”
In referring a past event while he narrates in the present tense, Byrd uses the past tense.
Works Cited
Bond, Paul. “Video Rental Stores’ Bizarre Survival Strategy.” The Hollywood Reporter, 14 Sept. 2010, www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/video-rental-stores-bizarre-survival-27851.
Elkadi, Nina. “Keeping Rural America Alive.” Harvard Political Review, 13 October 2018, https://web.archive.org/web/20181013…america-alive/.
Groo, Katherine. “FilmStruck Wasn’t That Good for Movies. Don’t Mourn Its Demise.” The Washington Post, 3 Dec. 2018, www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2018/12/03/filmstrucks-demise-could-be-good-movies/.
Little, Kandy. Personal interview. 25 June 2019.
Sweney, Mark. “‘Christmas from Hell’ Caps Bad Year for High Street DVD Sellers.” The Guardian, 3 Jan. 2019, www.theguardian.com/business/2019/jan/03/christmas-from-hell-caps-bad-year-for-high-street-dvd-sellers.
