Thesis Example #1: Topic announcement

Original: This essay will talk about the effects of fracking on climate change.

Revision: This essay argues that fracking is harmful to the environment because it can destroy natural habitats, cause earthquakes, and it can increase methane and other greenhouse gas emissions.

Explanation: The first major improvement in this revision is the inclusion of an actual claim. The revised thesis takes a stance on fracking and its effects on climate change, whereas the original thesis merely introduces the topic without making a claim at all. In addition to the claim, the revised thesis also introduces supporting points, signaled with a “because” clause. The reader can expect to see the essay develop these points in order to support the claim that fracking is harmful to the environment, because these are summaries of the essay’s contents.

Thesis Example #2: Moral statement

Original:  Because everyone needs food to survive, I think that taking food from starving people is a bad thing.

Problem: This thesis relies on obvious statements (“everyone needs food to survive”) and obvious moral statements (“taking food from starving people is bad”).

Revision:  Instead of ignoring barriers to easily accessible, low-cost food options, the local government could reassess tax funds and allocate some of its budget to supporting food pantries, increasing access to food assistance programs, and it could increase efforts to improve employment options for the unemployed.

Explanation: This revised thesis removes obvious statements and makes a more focused claim by targeting a specific issue (“ignoring barriers to easily accessible, low-cost food options”) and offering a series of possible solutions which a reader can expect to be developed in the essay.

Thesis Example #3: Foregone generalization

Original: This essay argues that no changes to education accessibility are needed, because everyone has equal access to education.

Revision: While some areas of the country excel at equitable access to quality higher education, widespread issues including income inequality, racial discrimination, and underfunded institutions prevent many minorities and those in poverty from attending college.

Explanation: This revised thesis removes the sweeping generalization that “everyone” has equal access to education. Instead of considering a vague, general population (in fact, the entire population), this thesis focuses on specific subsets of a larger population (lower-income households or individuals, minorities, and those in poverty). Notably, the claim in this thesis changes when it narrows its scope and focus, because the claim in the original thesis was applied in a general way. This revision is also more specific when it talks about education access: here, the thesis focuses on access to higher education.

Thesis Example #4: Question

Original: So, is it better to eat a meat-based diet, rather than a vegetarian diet?

Revision: Vegetarian diets are more ethically sound than animal-meat diets, because vegetarian diets oppose inhumane livestock conditions and reduce humans’ carbon footprints.

Explanation: This revised thesis avoids the question format of the original. The revised thesis does not ask the audience to answer a question; instead, it poses a claim as an answer to a question. The revised thesis is also more specific and focused. First, it takes a clear position on the topic of animal consumption. In addition, the revised thesis narrows the scope of the argument: rather than trying to prove why a vegetarian diet is comprehensively better than a meat-based diet, it focuses on the ethical issues surrounding animal meat consumption.