(To be recited to a beat borrowed from a creative underclass, in the finest cultural-entreprenurial tradition)

In the beginning, Columbus discovered America
There were Indians there
They came over from India
To throw a party for the fair-skinned Chris
I wouldn’t dis ya

Chris worked for Spain, I think it’s plain
Spreadin’ free enterprise
Which at that time was controlled by
Big GovaMint
Instead of contrariwise
Like today, but as I was sayin’

The colonies were conceived in liberty
They liberated a new continent
From the Indians who underexploited it
And besides, they were behind in the rent

And they went to darkest Africa
Which anyway had too many folks
They liberated some slaves, brought em west to work
For the formerly British blokes

Who were doin’ fine
till that homeboy o’mine
King George went to tax the tea
So the colonies appealed to the French
In more ways than one, if you follow me

You see the French were exporting revolution
And George, he couldn’t do a thing
Cos that was before Monroe, you know
No laws against such meddling

The Americans, as they came to be called
Had a democratic revolution
Although only a third supported the cause
Cause of British disinfoconfusion

The rest were repressed
but don’t kick up a fuss
Cos they were standin’ in the way of democracy
That is, us

You see the revolution was an inspiration
Set the whole hemisphere on fire
But that didn’t constitute exporting revolution
Cos it was against an evil empire
You know, them.

A lotta land was taken from the Tories
And given to the poor to farm
But that was then, you can’t do it again
Cause landlords are the Free World’s right arm

But when it came to the Indians, Mr. Jefferson said
No more land should be taken from them
So when he needed Louisiana he was careful
To buy it from the French

Well pretty soon the leaders of the revolution
Decided to write a constitution
All the workers and the women and the slaves were tied up
So the rich had to bear the burden of the writeup

This was only fair, since they were the ones
Who knew how to write, and also because
They knew what to do to be sure the slaves
Were protected, or anyway, slavery was

The young nation was bookin’
and lookin’ around
Found some land out west with no downtowns
I mean empty, nothin’ but some conical tents

That was a waste, it didn’t make no sense
Or dollars neither, speaking of which
Co-incidentally the nation was getting rich
Somehow we got into a war with Mexico
I guess some neighbors are just too close

Check it out:
It seems some gringos didn’t pay their debts
So the Mexican army started making threats
The Congress was dissed by President Polk
That they declared war on us, what a joke
No one was opposed to this war a bit
Except some of the people, and that ain’t…significant.

Now there arose a big division
Over slavery, which demanded a decision
It was clearly immoral, and too much of a test
For slave labor to compete with white workers in the Western states
which were no longer Mexican soil

So a proclamation brought the battle to a boil
When the slaves were freed, they displayed their greed
By demanding land to till
That was way too rad, it went against the trad
But the jobs trickled down,
or at least they will

So it came to pass, slaves were free at last
By free enterprise they were taken on board
Given a share in society, a share in the crops
Indebted to America and the landlord

You know, every so often people get depressed
As the merry-go-market goes around
I say It’s only fair, you’re up in the air
And take your turn getting crunched on the ground

Ladies asked for the vote in 1865
We took it to a committee
They were polite and respectful and didn’t demonstrate
So we gave it to them, in 1920

We were under attack by savage hordes
Who killed Custer, which shocked the nation
They couldn’t get a fair trial, everybody wanted one
You had to have a reservation

So we gave them one…They’ve been happy ever since…As far as I know…
still waitin’ for that trial, though.

But peace prevailed on the labor front
Except for a couple of non-specific strikes
I mean the general ones in St. Louis and New Orleans
Which were demanding vicious pay hikes

Also the national walkouts from the rails and mines
Plus the silver, copper, gold—you get the drift
As you can see the workers were generally peaceful
So we gave em the 8-hour shift
Out of the goodness of our hearts and clubs…billy clubs.

After that, labor was able to relax
Cause society was held together by trust
By a number of trusts, in fact, there was a pact
But the workers muffed it

So a few women and children got snuffed it
Was because of the troops…who had just got back
From the Philippines, they were wild, Jack
Back east in the cities they didn’t put up a fight
Cause under all that coal the miners hardly even looked white

Oh speakin’ of the Philippines, yes, we sent advisers
To advise the Filipinos to ally with us
This was our experiment with imperialism
Which we soon abandoned, we gave it to the Russians

No sooner had we finished dishin’ up Spain
Than we had to go out and defend ourselves again
Well not ourselves exactly, but we had a few investments
In the British economy, and you know what that meant

All the people got riled up at the Jerries
Well not at first, but the papers made it oh so very
Clear, day in, day out
Pretty soon there was no doubt
Who was the bad guy, and of course the good guy
By definition was me—I mean us.

After that war there was no enemy there
But luckily we were rescued by a Red Scare
Everywhere commies were under the bed
Threatening to set a bad example those Reds!

But we showed em, we developed something surprising
A way to know what you need to make you happy: Advertising!

But the farmers didn’t know cause they lived out in the sticks
There were no billboards there, for those dumb hicks
They didn’t know they were happy, they had some minor grumbles
About falling farm prices
Hey, that’s the way the market crumbles

But soon it didn’t matter
if prices held the line
Cause the whole country got depressed
in ’29

The lack of jobs was frustrating to the workers and their kids
Roosevelt gave em a new deal, so they wouldn’t blow the lid
This provided full employment in 1940
When, co-incidentally, a war came on the scene
This made everybody happy, in fact, some people say
It was the war brought full employment—some people are so mean

After we won, we sent the Marshalls to rebuild our enemies
To help us fight the Soviets, who were…displeased
Cos we didn’t rebuild them, well how could we? They were Red
They hid behind their satellites and said here you shall not tread

This was clearly an offense so we responded by surrounding them
With missiles that we aimed at containing if not pounding them
We had to scare the Communists especially in Hollywood
Oh what a lovely war, it was cold, but it was jolly good!

As a world power it was our hour
To take on a greater role
We had to save South Korea cause we might need it later
And besides, they got Seoul!

The South Koreans were grateful to us
We had of course no selfish ends
To return the favor they gave us their labor
At a special rate reserved for friends

In the 50’s America’s mood was high
Not drugs but prosperity made us smile
People could afford to buy this year’s products
To replace last year’s, which were out of style

One of the products
was called White Flight,
To the suburbs civilization spread
This led to neglect, benign or otherwise
Of the cities, so we gave em a new head

Start, but they wanted civil rights
So we gave them that in ‘64
Still for some reason they rioted
So we read ‘em the riot act
and gave em what for

Today all Americans have equality
Except where they remain oppressed
By traditions and self-appointed leaders
And affirmative action, which must be repossessed

But the women grew bold
and demanded more gold
41 cents more to the male dollar
Business was at first inclined to slake their thirst
But not to pay for day care and karate
Let ‘em wait till they’re taller!

In the 60’s we had to rescue Vietnam
This was opposed by those who didn’t understand
We didn’t lose the war, but then again we didn’t win it
They said Uncle to Ho instead of to Sam!

I suppose you may have noticed the Cold War is over
Once again we reign supreme
We’ll make the world democratic and middle class
They’ll all believe in the American dream

Of course some must remain
first class on the train
With the rest in the back of the bus
Rest assured, we’ll keep track
of anyone who’d attack
Western values, that is, profits, that is, us.

All that you have in this nation was given to you freely
You never had to fight for it as such
And if there’s anything you ever need, just ask
But do yourself a favor,
don’t ask for too much!

This has been the story of your Uncle Sam
Wham, bam, thank you sir or ma’am!