In the Beginning, Columbus discovered America.
There were Indians there. They had come over from India to throw a surprise party for Columbus on his arrival in the United States. Columbus, however , was engaged. He had been engaged by Spain in furtherance of the free market, which at that time, was in the hands of Big GovaMint, unlike today when we have the opposite. More or less. At that time, the free market was controlled by the government, instead of the other way around.
Europeans discovered Americans instead of the other way around because they had ships. With these ships they soon controlled the whole world, having discovered, named and claimed it, not necessarily in that order.
A number of temporary settlements were set up and taken down, and finally a permanent one was set down at Jamestown. From this eventually came the 13 colonies.
LIBERATION
The North American colonies were conceived in liberty: they liberated the New Continent from the previous tenants, who underutilized it, and liberated the slaves from the Dark Continent, which was overpopulated.
Things went along fine for a century and a half, until the Crown decided to lay some taxes on the colonists and to have some soldiers quarter their homes for them. By this time the colonists had built up the business and had begun to think of themselves almost as junior partners in the firm. Also, they had become proxies of the French, who were exporting revolution and shooting their way around instead of participating in the democratic process. The Monroe Doctrine hadn’t been invented yet, so there wasn’t much the British could say about the French. They said it anyway.
The “Americans,” as they began to call themselves, decided to have a revolution. Actually only a third of the colonists really supported the revolution, and a lot of people who supported Britain got repressed later or fled to Canada. But that was ok because they were standing in the way of democracy—that is, us.
The American revolution was a great inspiration to people all over the hemisphere, who took up its precepts and fought to kick out Spain. That wasn’t really exporting revolution though, since it helped to unite people against an Evil Empire.
LAND REFARM
After the revolution some land was taken away from the Tories and given to people who needed it for farming. This has often been cited as a precedent for “land reform” projects by subsequent “revolutions.” However, in our case the displaced Tories were told that they could go out West and get some more land if they wanted, which is not an option in smaller countries that lack a West.
Also, there has been social progress since that time: much of the world, and most of the Western Hemisphere, is now part of the Free World, and landowners have been some of the most steadfast supporters of the Free World against its natural enemies, the Free Landers. So the seizure of land from its Owners has become an act against democracy. And as leaders of the Free World we are required to act against such acts.
In 1787 the people decided to write a Constitution. All the workers and slaves were busy, as well as the women, so some landowners, merchants, lawyers and slaveholders used some of their vacation time and got together on the project. This was only fair, since they were the ones that knew how to write. But the other people were considered. Slaves were protected—or anyway, slavery was.
Tom Jefferson said that no lands should ever be taken from the Indians without their consent. Therefore, when he wanted Louisiana (which was somewhat larger in those days), he bought it from France.
THE WARS TO FREE CANADA AND MEXICO
In 1812 the young nation tried to liberate Canada from the Empire so that we could have Canadians as neighbors, or maybe even merge with them so that we would have a North Coast to go with the other coasts we were collecting. But the British retaliated, and the War for Our Canadian Provinces quickly became the War of 1812. When the British burned Washington we wanted to mine their harbors, but we needed help from the French, and they were broke.
The United States at this time was still looking around for a name, and in the process we found some land Out West which seemed to be empty, since it had no houses or downtowns on it, but merely a bunch of conical tents.
Somehow we got into a war with Mexico. We never started or even declared this war; you can read about it in the preamble to a bill that was in Congress to provide some funds to some U.S. soldiers who had gone to Mexico to protect some U.S. citizens who were being threatened by Mexico’s army because they were behind on some debt payments. In the preamble to this bill, President Polk explained to the Congress that Mexico had declared war on the United States. The Congress was indignant to learn this, and approved the military funds. No one opposed this war, except for some of the people. And some unimportant Congressmen like A. Lincoln.
As a result of this war, Mexico gave up several states that didn’t really belong to them, like New Mexico for example, and California, where by coincidence gold was discovered later that year.
SLAVERY BECOMES IMMORAL
About this time slavery was becoming a big issue. The North was opposed to slavery, although they were in favor of buying Southern cotton and selling it to Europe for money with which to build up industries. But the dispute really came to a head when the South wanted to expand slavery into the newly-former Mexican states. The North saw that this was clearly immoral; it represented unfair competition with the expansion of free farmers, that is, northerners, that is, not slaves.
In 1863 Lincoln freed the slaves to join the Union army. 200,000 newly former slaves fought in the Union army. They won the war—that is, the Union won the war and they helped, and the government thanked them with early release from the army. They would have also been given some land, but certain radicals in Congress demanded this, so in order keep the country Moderate the demand was declined.
After the war it was necessary to reconstruct the South, but there were two plans for this: the Southern plan, known as the Klan Plan, and the Northern plan, known as Carpetbagging. A compromise was achieved in which Northern troops were pulled out of the South and replaced with Northern business, which trickled jobs down to the former slaves. Or at least, it will.
Blacks thus achieved a new place in society, a new share in the crops, and became indebted to America and its landowners.
The way to the future was the same as the way to the West: the railroads. The Populist Party wanted them nationalized, but this was wrong. It did not become right for 40 more years.
THE DEPRESSIONS OF AMERICANS
Every so often, people get depressed. Americans, and their economy, are no exception. Sometimes depression can lead to worse states, as in the Panic of 1837, or the Red Scare of 1919. These things happen because our Free Market System has economic cycles, which means that the market goes round and round, merrily, so people get to rest from being crunched. In fact, if you think about it, they get to be off the ground most of the time. But don’t think about it too much.
Women were given the right to vote. They asked for it in 1865, and we took it to committee, and because the women were respectful and quiet during the feasibility study it was given to them of our free will in 1920.
One reason change was slow was that the Indians were interfering illegally in America’s self-determination. They assassinated a major candidate for the Presidency, General Custer. It seemed unlikely that they could get a fair trial since fair trials are very popular and you have to have a reservation. We gave them one, and they have been happy since then. As far as we know.
LABOR’S PEACE WORKERS
Throughout the late 1800’s there was peace between labor and management, with the exception of the general strikes in St. Louis and New Orleans, the silver, copper and gold strikes in the West, and national coal and railroad strikes. But war was never declared, so peace prevailed.
To preserve the peace, management offered labor the eight-hour day. The workers were astounded, never having thought of that workplace innovation, and accepted with glee. (There had been one documented rally for the eight-hour day in Chicago, which was led by a Soviet proxy group of Marxist thugs and caused a Market riot, keeping management busy mopping up and thus delaying the transition to the eight-hour day.
Society was held together by trust—by a number of trusts, in fact.. In the early 20th century, Labor was able to relax because society was now held together by trust—by a number of trusts, in fact. There were, however, a few tense moments at Ludlow, Colorado in 1914, when a striking coal miners’ tent city was set afire and fleeing women and children were machine gunned. But this isolated incident, mistakenly dubbed the “Ludlow Massacre,” has been distorted by unions, who are biased and therefore tend to give unbalanced reports. First of all, the military action by state police and national guardsmen was provoked by the intransigence of the worker-terrorists. Secondly, the action was led by troops who were veterans of the campaign in the Philippines, who were getting antsy waiting to rescue Vietnam and had to keep their skills up.
Citizens of the big Eastern cities dismissed the incident because it occurred so far away, and since, with all that coal on them, the miners hardly even seemed white.
RELATIONS WITH OUR NEIGHBORS
After Cuba was freed from the Evil Empire of the day, the U.S. Congress passed the Platt amendment, which gave the U.S. and Cuba the right to intervene in each other’s affairs if necessary. It turned out to be an extravagance to have it running both ways.
At about this time we sent 50,000 advisers to the Philippines to advise the Filipinos on the advantages of allying with us. This was of course an experiment in imperialism, which we soon abandoned (except for Latin America, which is not really imperialism but rather protection from the imperialism of others).
WORLD WAR WON
The American people had a great stake in the war between Germany and England— through expected trickle down from the U.S. corporate and bank ties to Britain’s economy. The American people felt very strongly about these ties, or anyway felt strongly opposed to Germany, or in favor of Britain. They didn’t at first, but after reading about it for a while in the newspapers they did. Newspapers were very important, even then, and especially in time of war, or at least just before a time of war. Besides, the Germans were to become bad guys, as we saw later and said earlier.
We needed to be on the scene for another good reason: to rescue Russia from the invading Bolsheviks, who were exporting revolution from the vast tracts of Marx. But the faint and bleeding hearts in Congress prevailed, and we did not.
The World War, or at least our part of it, was opposed by socialists and pacifists. It was necessary therefore for the Post Office to decline second class mailing privileges for the publications of these elements, offering them instead second class citizenship. The Germans took advantage of this situation and called it an act of “repression of the press” and “desertion from the original project of their revolution,” and threatened to overthrow our government to save freedom.
Two groups in the United States felt that class struggle should go on during the Great War: the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW) and the trusts. The trusts won.
FROM PANIC TO SCARE
After the War, American business forged ahead, instilling fear among the Communist nation. This was called the Red Scare. During this time many immigrants were suspected of being unAmerican, and a check of their documents tended to confirm this. They were not sent back, however, because although they were Red, they were also White.
Management tried to help the unions during this period by offering to tailor the workers work habits and make them more efficient. This was necessary in order to raise the level of profit, which had fallen because of two noble gestures by the business community:
1 – They had given up a previous source of profits, slavery, when it was shown to have become immoral and unprofitable.
2 – They had given up their other source of income, war, having made their point and made the world safe for democracy, that is, us.
In the 1920’s modern advertising was developed. For the first time, people were able to know what they wanted, and why certain products would make them happy. This was a great relief, and people relaxed and enjoyed themselves instead of thinking about economic cycles and labor strife.
TOO MUCH FOOD
Farmers, on the other hand, lived in the country, where there were no billboards. Therefore they spent a great deal of time stewing about their condition. The farmers had increased production to meet wartime needs; after the war, farm prices fell and farmers suffered. The government refused to intervene, being opposed to intervention except in case of war—that is, strikes. The farmers were told to solve their problems in the marketplace, and if they could not, to come back in fifty years when government would be big enough to help them.
But the farmers were not to remain the only unhappy ones. In 1929, city dwellers became depressed by the lack of jobs. They organized into unemployed councils, resisted evictions, marched for jobs and unemployment compensation, and demanded union recognition. FDR was thus brought in to stop communism. He did this by remaining neutral on labor strife, so that no one could say the government favored management, which would have been interpreted by some as a course of human events justifying altering or abolishing that government and instituting among men, if not women, a new government favoring labor.
RESHUFFLING THE CARDS
The New Deal pulled the country out of its depression, by providing full employment in 1940 (after a series of feasibility studies and experimental programs in 1932-39). Also at this time there was another war, which made everyone happy.
After the war the newly-enlarged military stood guard against depression, as they do today. A popular psychiatrist of the time named Eisenhower said that people who were against the continued largess of the military and related industries had a military-industrial complex.
The U.S. Marshalls rebuilt Europe so the Europeans could help fight the Soviets, who were bound to be mad us for not rebuilding them. Therefore it was necessary to scare the Reds again, starting at home. The Soviets immediately surrounded themselves with a buffer zone of satellite states, in preparation for surrounding us. In retaliation, we surrounded them, using our old connections from the previous Russian Rescue Mission.
THE FALL OF CHINA
In 1949 China fell down, due to the Communist policy of banning advertising and, in fact, Pepsi Cola itself. This latter ban was later rescinded, heralding the return of Western values to the Yellow continent.
The French good-naturedly gave Vietnam as a present to Ho Chi Minh, but we considered this hasty and ill-considered so we held it in trust for a while and then returned it, after remodeling its kitchen and fixing its airport.
AMERICA’S BACK
Europe’s declining fortunes caused them to relinquish interests in Latin America, which was of some interest to us since this area had broken copyright laws by using our name without permission, and since they are located directly under us. We have been the main ones responsible for trying to educate them about democracy ever since, and by lending them a lot of money we have finally managed to stir up some interest, which they are forever late in paying off.
We also saved South Korea, thinking we might need it later, and indeed we have since saved many dollars due to the happiness of the people there to work for reasonable wages. (The wages of American workers are not a tenth as reasonable, but that is a close approximation.) Our friendly relations with the South Korean people have also been a boon to anthropologists, who are able to conduct hands-on experiments in a living culture which maintains, in the modern era, the quaint labor practices of 19th century America.
The Korean war was provoked by the North, which invaded the South. They encountered no resistance; the South Koreans simply waited, not wanting to fight fellow Koreans. They preferred to leave that to Americans. Later, when we went to the North in a pre-emptive, defensive rescue mission, the Red Chinese brutally invaded and attacked our boys. Today the Chinese have learned better than to attack our boys, or our values, but the North Koreans continue their aggressions. They obviously want what we’ve got: South Korea.
Countries like South Korea are grateful to America for our protection, and in turn they help us by providing our population with an incentive to work more efficiently in order to compete in the free market place, that is, South Korea.
HELP FOR SMALL BUSINESS
In the 50s, the mood of the country was high. America was back, along with the dollar. Every Washington’s birthday there would be a big sale. The new prosperity enabled consumers to buy many products to replace the ones they had bought the year before, which had gone out of style, thanks to advertising, or which had simply broken, due to being last year’s products.
The large corporations helped independent business people by buying their products and their businesses, and then giving them jobs in the now larger corporations. In this way they made them middle class, whereas before they had been petty and bourgeois.
This era saw the spread of the suburbs, which, along with the freeways on which to get to them, were built at great public expense. This necessitated benign neglect of the old inner cities. But the cities became ever more colorful and so did not require much funding. Eventually Big GovaMint brought in Urban Renewal programs in order to give black neighborhoods a new coat of whitewash.
The 60’s brought the civil rights movement, which won its goals in 1964 with the Civil Rights Act, which was quite an act. After that the Blacks rioted, so we took their riots away. Today blacks have achieved equality, except where they are oppressed by traditional cultural values, self-appointed leaders, and affirmative action.
WOMEN ASK FOR TOO MUCH
The “women’s” movement grew bold and attempted to charge industry 41 cents more for women’s self-styled “labor.” Companies were at first inclined to pay, but it was then revealed that the money would be spent on day care, counseling, and karate classes, all of which are of dubious Constitutionality. So the companies’ patriotism and respect for the law won out over their good nature.
THE LESSONS OF VIETNAM
The Vietnam war happened to us in the 60’s. It was opposed by those who did not have access to classified information and thus could not formulate the right point of view. As Former President Dick points out in his book, Vietnam won this war primarily because we did not. Therefore we must adopt a policy of “No More Vietnams,” undertaking to win the next one. It is to this end that I have declassified the classified history of Uncle Sam, so that you can know him for what he really is, and help out in his crusade for democracy, that is, for respect for one’s elders, that is, teaching his nephews throughout Our Hemisphere (and World) to say Uncle.
So remember, nephews, this is the greatest country in the world, since it consists of all the others put together. Everything you have in this country was given to you freely, by the free market. You might have had to work to get it, but usually all you had to do was ask politely and it would be granted. You certainly never had to fight for it; we took care of that a long time ago.
So if you need anything, anything at all, just ask. In the meantime, relax. Be secure in the knowledge that somewhere in the world, at any moment, an American soldier or satellite is keeping track of who’s making mischief and endangering democracy. That is, us.