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The resignations of top officials at the Justice Department shocked Attorney General Meese so much that he could “barely speak,” but caused no particular concern among the President’s advisers. “People resign all the time,” said one aide, leaning casually against a button labeled “NORAD,” and adding, “oops.” Attorney General Meese himself has been the victim of further Borking in the press this week, but President Reagan has stood by his old friend, saying “What?”
SAFE SEX: Shirley MacLaine has announced that she will hold past sex life regression seminars. MacLaine says that graduates will no longer have to do it, but rather just remember it.
Televangelist Oral Roberts, having met his initial quota, says that he will need $8 million a year until Christ returns. One of his viewers phoned in to say she had seen a vision: the large letters L-O-R-D emblazoned across the sky, and in smaller letters, “Let Oral Roberts Die.”
In a development that has astounded everyone, Nicaragua’s warring factions have signed a truce that may put the Communist-ruled nation on the road to peace. It remains to be seen whether the Resistance can co-exist in good conscience with the Soviet-backed government, which has imprisoned thousands of employees from the previous administration, arrested Contra members on hearsay evidence of so-called butchery, and broken the fabric of Nicaraguan life by forcing peasants to read and eat.
Costa Rican Communists are in Nicaragua being trained to fight Contras. The Costa Commies Against the Contras, or Costa Cong, constitute a case of Nicaraguan aggression against Costa Rica, since they could later be used against Costa Rican Contras, which the Congress has not yet funded.
Meanwhile, the Reagan administration has assured Honduras that the U.S. will defend them if they are attacked by Nicaragua, and has pledged to continue the search for ways to encourage Nicaragua to make the attack.
The Army is making plans for a “What If” war, just in case all goes according to plan and we find our troops in Central America, or lose them there. The U.S. Army does not know much about guerrilla warfare, said one officer who wished to remain unnamed, even though he is already in his late 40’s.
South African President Pieter Botha has decided to moderate his pace in the dismantling of apartheid, and has requested that opposition groups get permission from his government before overthrowing it. Meanwhile, President Reagan told a press conference we are not supporting the guerrillas in South Africa because the problem there is tribal, not racial. Commented a seasoned observer, “The man is an original thinker.”
The President was recently fitted with a new hearing aid that is adjustable and can selectively tune out helicopter motors or reporters’ questions.
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President Reagan has responded angrily to former White House Press Secretary Larry, who spoke that he had spoken for Reagan in words Reagan never spake. Speaking for Reagan, press secretary Marlin Fitzwater said “I’m sure he would be upset about it. I’m sure he would say something to the effect that putting George Shultz’s words in the President’s mouth went beyond ghostwriting into anthropomorphism.” Reagan later denied he had used the word anthropomorphism, but declined to state why, adding only that he continues to have complete confidence in Fitzwater.
For his part, Speakes spoke that he had not lied, but merely used his imagination, much in the style of his former employer, of whom Speakes once spoke, “He may have got the facts a little wrong, but he told it rather well, didn’t he?” It now appears that while Reagan may have got the facts a little wrong, it may have been Speakes who told it rather well. Speakes declined to comment on that, saying “That would be putting words in my mouth.”
And on the heels of the Speakes book comes Donald Regan’s book, accusing the President’s wife of governing by the stars. Mrs. Reagan has told reporters that former White House aides who kiss and tell should be lined up, like the planets.
Police have been called out in Washington D.C. to stop a group of homosexuals from placing a condom on the Washington Monument. The demonstrators said their action was necessary to curb an international epidemic of Pentagonnorhea, which they described as a social disease that results from fucking too many countries. The protestors came to the capital to demand support for sufferers of AIDS, echoing the position taken by President Reagan two years ago in a major 2-1/2 minute speech on the problem, in which he promised to combat the disease with optimism.
TV advertising of sexual prophylactics has come in for condomnation by the President. He said that his wife also opposed it, saying it rubbed her the wrong way. In New Hampshire, Mrs. Reagan gave a talk on drugs, but her statements were clear.
Democratic Presidential candidates Dukakis, Babbitt, Gore, Biden, Simon, Gephardt and Jackson are gearing up for a wide open race. Jesse Jackson is the front runner and may therefore be offered the second spot on the ticket. The candidates can expect to be quizzed on whether they have ever used marijuana or committed adultery, sodomy or ornithology. They will also be questioned on civil rights, the federal budget and nuclear weapons strategy, time permitting.
The nature of the campaign has itself become a campaign issue, with debate centering on television coverage. Network opinion is split, with CBS President David Burke blaming voter apathy and sound bite mentality, and ABC President Roone Arledge blaming the politicians who create the apathy and sound bites. The public is also split, with many blaming the press and others blaming the candidates and their handlers. Only the candidates are united, all of them blaming the other candidates.
100 top Presidential advisers have been fired or forced to resign over the past six years after allegations of wrong-doing. Asked how this squared with the President’s statement that he wants his legacy to be higher morality, press secretary Marlin Fitzwater said, “Well, you can see we’re rooting them out.”
The designer dictator of Nicaragua continues to blame his self-proclaimed country’s problems on so-called U.S. alleged ha ha imperialism ho ho, instead of on the Cuban military occupation of his little country. President Reagan has again told the nation that we are not intervening in Nicaragua, and that our intervention there is justified. He told a press conference we are not trying to overthrow the government there, though we might have to if the Contras fail to, not that they are trying to. Mr. Reagan appeared rested and fresh, his mind uncluttered by facts.
The President reiterated his call for dialogue between the extreme leftist regime and its moderate opponents, the Freedom Fighters, saying “I don’t see anything legitimate about a government that came to power through the barrel of a gun.” Reminded by a reporter that the U.S. government too came to power by force of arms, and that the Nicaraguans, like us, have since held internationally-recognized elections, the President responded, “It’s sunny, and you’re rich.” Not, as had been reported earlier, “Son of a bitch.”
In other news from behind the Iron Curtain, the Sandinite rulers have curtailed civil liberties, which of course they already didn’t have, knowing them. They claimed that the action came in response to so-called U.S. aggression, but reliable sources indicate that the Cuban puppets are afraid of their own people. After all, the people all have guns. Ortega must regret having handed out all those weapons, now that it is clear that the people will rise against him, in accordance with U.S. law.
NATIONAL INSECURITY: In line with the trend toward concern with international terrorism, it seems opportune to tighten security in the United States. Steps being taken include banning all metal objects from airports, mandatory drug testing of all employees, public and private, finger-printing all children, renewed loyalty oaths, more police officers at Mayors’ offices, Burger Kings and Disney World, and firing from public positions all homosexuals and opponents of Contra aid. “We will not allow the destruction, from the outside, of our free society,” quipped a State Department official.
Press Secretary Marlin Fitzwater has denied that the President’s operation to shorten his nose was due to its unusually rapid growth of late. “There’s not a Lt. Colonel of truth in that,” he said, covering his face and rushing from the press room.
Attorney General Edwin Meese has resigned. President Reagan has nominated former Pennsylvania Governor Dick Thornburgh to replace him. Asked about Meese, Thornburgh called him an outgoing fellow. Thornburgh is regarded as clean and fair, having told a welfare mother who couldn’t find a job, “Things are tough all over.”