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In the case against Slaveadoran military officers for the killing of six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her daughter, key evidence has turned up missing, as well as four soldiers who are witnesses, who were sent abroad for military study. A spokesman for President Cristiani hailed the revelation as great progress, saying “In the past we discriminated against civilians; now we disappear the army too.” President Bush is worried, however, that the development may eat into his high ratings with the public. He said that with our help there has been progress in El Slaveador, but we must help more. He proposed cutting the death squad victim count in half by doubling aid to responsible, moderate elements in the death squads.
Vice President Quayle attended the swearing in ceremony Wednesday for the new President of Nicaragua, Violeta Chamorro. The Vice President was there to deliver some flour and cooking oil and to receive some unidentified flying objects in return, apparently expressing a local custom. President Chamorro is embroiled in her first crisis, having asked Sandinista Defense Minister Humberto Ortega to stay on as head of the army. The move prompted Assistant Secretary of State Bernard Aronson to fly to Managua and deliver what he called “a very tough message” to the new President. “I can’t tell you what to do,” he reportedly said to Mrs. Chamorro, waving a $300 million check in the air.
At an international meeting on the “Greenhouse effect,” President Bush has urged further study on the question of global warming, so that by the time it happens we will know why. Everyone agreed with the President, except for the other participants. Mr. Bush cautioned that we must be cautious, saying “What if we save the planet and it turns out it didn’t need it?
President Bush has cautioned Mikhail Gorbachev on Lithuania, saying the United States opposes the Soviets’ use of an embargo to bend a small neighboring nation to its will. The President said such a move is immoral, illegal, and a violation of our patent rights.
The trial of Imelda Marcos continues in New York City. Mrs. Marcos is charged with stealing $200 million, or approximately 16.5 million pairs of shoes. Her attorney said it was necessary to remove money from the country in case of a Communist takeover. He added that Mrs. Marcos had a passion for shoes because as a poor child she had often gone without them and now wanted other people to. Most of the shoes had been received as gifts and don’t fit her, the attorney said, but she kept them in case her size changes.
Doctors have confirmed that President Bush has glaucoma and might have to take eye drops twice a day for the rest of his life. The President agreed to the treatment reluctantly after learning that the only alternative was to smoke marijuana once a week for a few months.
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Eugene, Oregon voters have turned down a nuclear-free charter amendment, voting for jobs and against irresponsibility. The free and fair democratic vote climaxed a campaign in which Corporations Against—make that Citizens Against an Irresponsible Nuclear Free Zone outspent the pro-charter change group by 10 to 1, as is their God-given right in a Free Enterprise system. Rumors that Rohr Industries had never actually intended to locate in Eugene but set up the controversy as part of a national conspiracy with other corporations to covertly thwart nuclear-free zones were reported as fact by a local non-mainstream non-daily publication, but were denied by the corporate citizens in question and therefore not reported here.
The Coca-Cola company recently sent out promotional cans with cash instead of Coke in them. The cash cans were weighted with a sealed section containing the opposite of Coke: a foul-smelling, harmless liquid.
Congress voted to cut aid to El Slaveador by 50%, then killed the bill. Democrats hailed the move as a historic compromise. On Wednesday the House separated El Slaveador’s aid from the other two countries’ in order to get on with repairing the damage done to Nicaragua and Panama while haggling over how much more damage to do to El Slaveador.
CIA officials have revealed that they helped the Indonesian government finger Communists in a 1965 operation that removed less than 500,000 individuals from the Indonesia body politic. The American participation in the exercise was already widely known, except to Americans, and was therefore reported in the back pages of the press instead of being blown all out of proportion. Had the events occurred more recently, said a source, they would have been reported later.
The two Germanys are set to merge their economies on July 1. The merger was facilitated when East German President Lothar de Maizière relented on his previous position and agreed to allow West German investors to buy East Germany.
Hearings continue on the demise of Silverado Savings and Loan, of which Presidential son Neil Bush was a board member. The Colorado Financial Services Commissioner has declined to say the thrift had engaged in fraud, claiming instead that it had engaged in “aggressive, controversial, unorthodox tactics in a good faith effort to survive.” There is evidence that the Federal government intervened to delay the seizure of the S&L until after the 1988 elections, but officials explain that there is also evidence that then Vice-President Bush met with Oliver North at the height of the Iran-Contra affair, and probably knew more about the affair than President Reagan forgot, but that such theoretical musings don’t matter much because, as President Bush said, “People like me.”
Palestinians continue to riot in the wake of the killing of seven persons by an Israeli civilian who committed the killings without government permission. Israeli troops broke up demonstrations with tear gas and gunfire. Prime Minister Shamir defended the harsh actions, saying “Israel is a democracy. We must defend ourselves against those who want to have that democracy for themselves.”
Environmental President George Bush says he has high hopes for the ecologically-sound development of Mars.
The trustees of Mills College have decided to keep Mills female, and anti-segregationists immediately warned that the move could lead to a male backlash against special privileges for women, with male harassment or even violence against women. A group of Mills students responded to the warning; in a letter to the school newspaper, they wrote, “What’s new?”
The government has finally acknowledged that Agent Orange may have caused cancers in some soldiers who failed to use it properly, that is, from airplanes. The Veterans Affairs Department apologized, saying the government regrets having given cancer to Americans.
The National Council of Churches has condemned Christopher Columbus’ discovery of America and other nearby countries as an “invasion” of the New World, saying it resulted in slavery and racism. But objective historians countered that the resolution was biased, having been proposed by an Indian, and noted that the Rescue of the New World took place before the Civilized World knew much about rights for non-whites. But, noted one scholar, we have eliminated slavery now, except for some forms in some countries, and by the next quincentennial we won’t have racism, if certain people will just work through channels, stay on the reservation and refrain from slandering their discoverer.
The U.S. military has taken control of the remote jungle border region between Panama and Colombia, in what the army describes as a routine training exercise. The Special Forces patrols are on the alert for Drugs and Guerrillas. Until recently, drugs and guerrillas were suspected of being two different things, but after being mentioned in the same breath several times coincidentally, they have become one Thing in the minds of the public, or at least, Drugs and Guerrillas will soon become one Thing, once everyone agrees that Drugs and Guerrillas are killing American citizens and Drugs and Guerrillas are illegal under U.S. law. Except for ourDrugs and Guerrillas.
The U.S. and Panama are prepared to sign an agreement permitting U.S. ships to patrol Panamanian waters as long as a Panamanian official is abord. That way, a Panamanian will always be present to request U.S. aid in searching ships for illicit Drugs, such as non-CIA cocaine.
In a bold new plan to counter global warming, scientists are proposing to spray hundreds of thousands of tons of iron onto the oceans in order to increase the plankton population and soak up excess carbon dioxide. Such intervention in the food chain could have unknown ecological effects, but if the whales got out of hand it would likely be after the drug cartels are defeated, and the whales could become America’s next enemy, facilitating Star Wars funding and the re-election of President Gingrich.
Most previous proposals have involved cutting back on the use of coal and possibly even leaving the extra car in the garage once a week. Such measures could wreak havoc with the economy, so officials are beginning to look at alternatives that would only wreak havoc with the ecology.
Professor Adam Heller at the University of Texas says there is “nothing fundamentally stupid” about the idea. “It does tend to indicate we have learned nothing from our experience, but that is not stupidity, but rather unabated ignorance.”
Leading naturalist Manuel Lujan has enrolled in a study course on squirrel colors. Lujan, who asked the teacher “Do we really have to save every subspecies?,” was told that all living things are connected to each other, including plants, animals, humans, diseases and their cures, but that if he felt that an eventual cure for cancer or AIDS was getting in the way of the economic development new diseases, he could choose the squirrels he like the least and repaint them.
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FLAGGING PATRIOTISM: Bob Dole has said that the flag stands for the freedom of all those who love it. All over the world people want our flag. The White House, meanwhile, is worried that the inability to charge the flag burners at home will curtail our freedom to arrest them abroad, where most of the burning incidents occur.
Many Democrats wish to oppose the flag-burning amendment but cannot in an election year because the Bill of Rights is not as popular as the flag—that is, it was not chosen as a campaign issue. Some say the Bill of Rights needs a PR firm, like Willie Horton. In any case, our leaders of both parties are sure to maintain their courage in the face of the growing threat to the flag, that is, their jobs.
TWO LIVE CLUES: Noted rapper Luther Campbell has pointed out that sexual obscenity is everywhere, but only Black pop stars get the axe. But a Miami anti-pornography lawyer denied he had deliberately chosen a Black group in order to inflame Whites, saying “that comes naturally.” In a sense there’s truth here: Police arrested him because of complaints from parents. White parents, with White children. If Black parents complained about Black children hearing Andrew Dice Clay’s obscenities, they’d bust him too. But how many Black children want to listen to Dice Clay? If Black children weren’t so racist and if Black rappers would keep their obscenities to their own kind, nobody would get busted. In short, how do they expect us to control society if they don’t stay in their place?
THE CIA HELPED ARREST MANDELA, reports Cox News Service, keeping track of his movements and reporting them to the South African government. Mandela said he is willing to forget the incident, that it is history. This closely parallels President Bush’s position on apartheid. Mr. Mandela is seeking the maintenance of sanctions on South Africa, and Mr. Bush will seek to accommodate him if he can show that the regime there has been supporting abortion or obscene art with federal monies.
THE DEVIL DOES DRUGS: Drug Czar William Bennett has revealed the results of a scientific survey proving that Satan is pushing drugs. He cited the reports of numerous drug addicts who call crack cocaine “the devil.” The czar said that drug lords lead the new evil empire because Communism’s time is up. Bennett spoke to 2,500 Southern Baptist Drug Research Scientists. He received unexpected support from the speaker of the Iranian parliament, who said “We always said the Great Satan was dealing drugs.” And one addict said he felt better knowing “it’s just the devil in me.”
Bennett also called for the “death of modernism,” saying that with everyone getting high, it was high time for post-modernism to take over. In this connection he hailed two recent Supreme Court decisions: one allowing Bible clubs in schools, the other outlawing the use of peyote by Indian tribes. Indians must come back from devil worship, said Bennett, back to Christ, back from peyote, back to alcohol.
REDWOODS SIMMER. “There is but one endangered species,” forklift operator Bonnie Sue Smith told a crowd of 4,000 loggers and mill workers. “That is you.” Many landowners are hurrying to log off their We all want to save the planet. But we are not extremists. holdings in the face of possible new restrictions being proposed by enviro-crazies. “I respect the people’s right to dissent,” said a log-truck driver, “as long as they don’t do drugs, listen to rap music or burn the flag. But these people all have hot tubs,” she added, citing a scientific study of the correlation between Yuppies and concern for the Redwoods. “Look,” said a mill worker standing nearby, “we all want to save the planet. But we are not extremists. What if you save all the Redwoods and all the people have to move to Silicon Valley?” One of his compatriots agreed: “What if a tree stands in the forest, and there’s no one there to appreciate it. Is it really a tree?”
FAMILIES LEAVE: President Bush wants to veto legislation providing for unpaid maternity leave, saying that unpaid leave is anti-worker. The veto, however, might damage his carefully spun kinder-gentler image, and in an election year at that.
I spoke about the problem with a White House official who asked to remain a White House official. “They want the right to come back to their jobs just because they’re home making new employees for industry,” he told me. “I tell women, be patient. You got the vote, and only 55 years after you first asked for it. Just hold on to your biological clock.” But opponents say a leave policy could cost employers money and thereby set a bad precedent: costing employers money. Historians assure us that all social gains in our country’s history have been granted freely rather than fought for, and therefore no one should fight for this. Or else it isn’t really a social gain, in which case you should fight for it and lose.
A final note: other industrialized countries already have provisions for family leave, but that was not reported here.
President Bush, prodded by a tax-hungry Democratic Party, has finally conceded the need for alterations in the budget package and new revenue increases, if not taxes. Congressional Republicans applauded the timing of the move, that is, a long time before 1992. Among the most likely increases are the cigarette and liquor taxes or “Sin Taxes,” but Bush did not propose new taxes on those who practice S & L. Asked on the White House lawn if he was not going back on a campaign promise, the President said “Read my bottom line,” and turned his back.
Nelson Mandela continues his triumphal tour of the United States. President Bush had said he would inform Mandela that there are Black leaders in South Africa who disagree with sanctions. This was expected to take the ANC leader by surprise and probably alter his position. When the two leaders met they disagreed on some issues, such as Angola, Mozambique, and the right to revolution in South Africa, but they agreed on the important thing: Mr. Bush will not lift sanctions. Mandela said you should not, Bush said they won’t let me anyway. Mr. Mandela did not bring up the CIA’s role in his capture 27 years ago, and Mr. Bush in return did not mention that it was a Democratic CIA and not a Republican one that took that action. He left that to Mr. Fitzwater.
The President did ask Mandela to foreswear violence in pursuit of democracy, but Mandela told a joint session of Congress that his movement took inspiration from the American revolution. Bush later told Mandela that revolution is not needed in South Africa because apartheid is already on the way out. Mandela smiled wanly and replied, “Aren’t we all?”
Last week the Fish and Wildlife Service declared the spotted owl an endangered species, and yesterday the Secretary of the Interior responded by moving to amend the Endangered Species Act, in order to endanger more species. The plan will change the name of the act to the Endangered Jobs Act, and will increase the amount of logs permitted to be shipped to Mexico in order to save money for the timber companies, which will trickle down in the form of more jobs for Japanese building contractors.
Interior Secretary Manuel Lujan told a reporter he had never heard of tree farming, alternative building materials, or job retraining because he is Secretary of the Interior, not of Agriculture, Housing and Labor. The Secretary’s action also exempted the extensive national forest lands from tree-cutting restrictions. In response to outraged protests from the owl-supporting Sierra Club, Lujan explained, “The spotted owl is an indicator species. It indicates where the trees are.”
Drug czar William Bennett claims he was taken out of context and quoted as blaming Satan for drug use. He actually said it was a product of “The Great Deceiver,” though he did not specify whether he meant Fidel Castro or Michael Milken. In a speech to the California State Senate, Bennett urged the lawmakers to send all marijuana users to jail, where they can learn that marijuana use will lead to hard drugs and AIDS. Bennett recently received the coveted Patrick Buchanan Award for making elected officials look mainstream.
The five Central American presidents have declared war on poverty. No longer will the poor be the only enemy. But the rich have nothing to fear: land reform is not mentioned, nor are new social welfare programs. The idea instead is to help the poor without threatening the power structure. This radical concept is expected to take the wind out of the guerrillas’ sails, at least in the U.S. press, and is expected to be welcomed by the poor, for about five minutes.
Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney has announced he will cut the size of the army by 25%, but will cut spending by only 10%. The plan has the advantage of only throwing individual soldiers out of work, instead of whole corporations.
President Bush has suspended talks with the PLO because they have refused to deplore a thwarted attack by a renegade terrorist group. The President denied that he had been looking for an excuse to suspend the talks, but admitted that there hadn’t really been any talks worth suspending but that he must suspend them anyway on principle. The Israeli government welcomed the suspension as “an important and positive decision,” and said it would table new proposals on how to advance the peace process without talking to the adversary.
The Sixth International AIDS Conference finished in San Francisco last week with noisy demonstrations against Louis Sullivan, who is trying to do something about AIDS, unlike the demonstrators. The epidemic is reaching crisis proportions, with the nation’s cost for care of its AIDS patients exceeding $1.5 billion a year, or approximately 2.5 Stealth Bombers.
President Bush has denounced a House subcommittee that cut funds from the space program, saying “The American people want us in space.” Commented one AIDS conference delegate, “Some of us want some of you there.”
The trial continues in the non-political, non-vendetta, non-entrapment case against Washington Mayor Marion Barry. If the case succeeds, it is expected to serve as a model for further cases against officials who unofficially use drugs, leading eventually to charges against those with connections to drug dealers and climaxing with proceedings against high officials who will be found to have covered up for international drug dealers in Latin America and Southeast Asia, even though their coverups were clearly justified by the threats to National Security then posed by North Vietnam and Nicaragua. Such a case would take a long time to prepare and would probably not be ready until sometime after the accused has left the White House.
The Pentagon has a new plan to devote its resources to saving the environment, using Star Wars The military is not trained to save the Earth—quite the contrary. supercomputers for climate modeling work. The plan would require reclassifying environmental protection as a national security objective, which would involve either annexing the rest of the planet or saving only the American environment. “Of course,” said one General, “we’re not trained to save the Earth—quite the contrary.” He added that if any “peace” protestors claimed to have come up with the computer conversion idea, their part of the peace dividend would have to be withheld.
The White House reveals that President Bush has not proposed new taxes after all. He has, rather, accepted the idea of tax revenue increases. Apparently the President made the move in a politically courageous attempt to save the Democrats from having to shoulder all the responsibility for whatever revenues may eventually become noticeable. The Democrats, apparently, went along with this, and may have even suggested it. President Bush has been shielded from reporters since the announcement, but his press secretary justified this, saying “He didn’t hold press conferences when he licked homelessness, drugs, and the meaner, rougher America either. He’s just not a credit-grabbing guy.” Fitzwater defended his explanation against charges that it is a partisan spin on a broken campaign promise, countering that it is a straightforward action to provide wiggle room.