Address to the national meeting of Imperial Surveillance, Inc.
Today I would like to misdirect your attention to a problem we have been creating in the well-known problem area of MIA’s—Misplaced in Air. To begin with, we had a little problem—or should I say an opportunity—last season when a Korean Air Lies photographer—excuse me, pilot—strayed a few hundred miles off course over the Kamchatka Peninsula, which the Soviets claim is part of their territory. (They don’t mention that they seized it from Japan in 1945.) So the Soviets met, and talked it over, and then the rulers of their regime’s clique decided that logically, cold-blooded murder would be the best way to implement their lofty goals.
The Korean Air Line, which is really the correct line, also had lofty goals. You see, they were not aware, at the time, of a Soviet missile test scheduled on Kamchatka for the day of the fated flight, although U.S. reconnaissance planes cover the area 24 hours a day. The KAL was also blissfully unaware of the existence of strategic command bases on Kamchatka, since KAL agents—I beg your pardon, pilots—are not allowed to know anything they’re not allowed to know. The pilot simply wished to offer his passengers something a little more than the competing airlines. A view of an exotic area. But of course the Soviets don’t believe in competition, at least not on a commercial level, so they shot the innocent 007 down. Afterwards, they tried to justify this act by saying that the plane’s radar pattern resembles that of an F105 “spy” plane, that the pilot ignored warnings and communications attempts—in other words, they generally tried to use logic to subvert our lofty goals.
More recently, we had the case of a drowned American helicopter. (American means of or pertaining to the United States. We do lend our name to other parts of Our Hemisphere, at the prime rate of course. For example, Latin America: Latin is their first name, just as every little child has a first name. And then America is the family name. So we’re like one big happy family, with the United States of America acting as the father figure for the youngsters: Latin, South and Central.)
So one of our boys was in his helicopper, you know, boys will be boys, and he was flying a routine, preplanned, pre-ordained legitimated non-military defensive mission as part of peaceful war exercises planned jointly with the Honduran-American peace constabulary. And the Nicaraguoid puppet army shot him down. Just like that. And then they said he was flying in a sensitive border area. Seriously, if they’re so sensitive about it why don’t they move it to some place with more callouses?
Then in February, four U.S. soldiers were killed and six injured when their helicopper crashed in Honduras. This was not the result of hostile action, but we are looking into the possibility that the Nicaraguites are happy about it and would like to have been responsible.
Now going backwards in history—which is my favorite past time—we find that in 1964 the North Veetcong were also kind of sensitive, in this case about what we might see in their sea, specifically the Gulf of Tonkin. Now we had a vessel out there engaged in routine, defensive exploratory work such as every nation with a world fleet and interests in other people’s countries conducts. And we were shipnapped. They claimed we were staring at their private parts. But of course their scheme backfired, as it provided President Lyndon with the opportunity to impress upon Congress some of the finer points of the subtle workings of the Southeast Asian Mind.
And so, being rather sensitive themselves, the Congress passed a resolution on the Gulf of Tonkin, annexing it. Now when the North Veetnamese didn’t fully understand that resolution and give it their support, of course we had to explain it to them, gently but firmly, which turned out to take a while. I don’t think they understand that situation to this day, but as long as you don’t, that’s all I really care about.
Earlier on there had been the case of Mr. Gary Powers, Esq., who got off course in 1952 and suddenly found himself and his plane over the Soviet Union, where he was viciously shot down by Chinese-trained Soviet anti-aircraft gunners who pointed the finger at Eisenhower, shouting “You too, you too!” They cynically claimed our man was involved in espionage or, worse yet, that he was spying. That’s ridiculous. Why would we want to look at a bunch of obsolete military installations? (Of course in 1952 they weren’t obsolete yet. But we knew, through our excellent surveillance networks, that they would become so.)
So, as we’ve already explained many times in a sensational fashion, MIA’s are the major foreign policy issue we face. If the Irano-Lybioid-Sandinite subversive delinquents can’t get their little countries out from under our democratic civilian-military aircraft (and those of our twisted alloys), and persist in shooting them down, we will be forced, with a heavy heart, to shoot down at them. Then, if they relent, we will see to it that their country is relent to the highest bidder.