WHITE PAPER

We now have proof that the Red Veetnamese tortured our Freedom Fighters in “their” country. The evidence, for those who wish to study it, can be found in “Missing in Action 2: The Beginning,” a recent scholarly work now available for public perusal.

DEBATES

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, on a recent visit to our hemisphere, accepted a challenge to debate His Honor The Rt., Rt., Rt. Rev. Jerry Fallout. By removing the PM’s debate from the sphere of government, we hope to make clear the value of removing him from government itself„ In the future we hope to arrange a touring debate between Jerry and lightweight contender Danny Ortega. Also in the offing is a bout between Joan Rivers and middleweight heavy Fidel Castro. We would like to arrange a debate between Jesse Helms, Himself, and whoever is Thug-in-Chief of Soviet Russia come debate night, but since Jesse is in the government business it might be seen as a conflict of interest. So we will probably arrange for one of the deposed medical students from Grenada to do the job, if we can persuade Coors to loan us one.

NUCLEAR WASTE

Hanford, Washington will become the nation’s nuclear waste dump. This is good for Hanford, because nuclear waste is not a likely target for Soviet missiles. Anyway, it won’t all be kept there. Some of it will leak into the Columbia River and on out into the Pacific, where it will waste Soviet submarines and stray Soviet spy fish—which you shouldn’t have been eating anyway. It costs jobs. Eat American.

There have been many questions about the environment. I have questioned it myself. The point is that in America you have a choice. Do you prefer Red Death —No. 1, or Red Die—No. 2? To my taste, better Dead than Red, except in the case of China. In general, if you’re too well read you will become Red and then be dead, if I have anything to say about it.

ARMS BUDGET

Don’t criticize it. It’s only one trillion dollars. Anyway, once we’ve spent the money, we won’t have those riches the Soviets are currently coveting against the instructions of the Bible. So they won’t attack. Star Wars is the perfect peace plan. And its essential transitional component is the Peacemaker, formerly known as the MX. Now this re-naming is not a ploy. We don’t engage in ploys; on the contrary, we are primarily interested in de-ploying.

WESTY’S TRIAL

Thankfully CBS’s trials are over. They had, of course, criticized General Westmoreland for his legitimate efforts to get More Land for the West. Granted, he deleted the irregulars— women, children and old people—from the troop estimates. He was only supposed to delete them from the country.