WHITE PAPER
We now have proof that the Red Veetnamese tortured our Freedom Fighters in “their” country. The evidence, for those who wish to study it, can be found in “Missing in Action 2: The Beginning,” a recent scholarly work now available for public perusal.
DEBATES
The Prime Minister of New Zealand, on a recent visit to our hemisphere, accepted a challenge to debate His Honor The Rt., Rt., Rt. Rev. Jerry Fallout. By removing the PM’s debate from the sphere of government, we hope to make clear the value of removing him from government itself„ In the future we hope to arrange a touring debate between Jerry and lightweight contender Danny Ortega. Also in the offing is a bout between Joan Rivers and middleweight heavy Fidel Castro. We would like to arrange a debate between Jesse Helms, Himself, and whoever is Thug-in-Chief of Soviet Russia come debate night, but since Jesse is in the government business it might be seen as a conflict of interest. So we will probably arrange for one of the deposed medical students from Grenada to do the job, if we can persuade Coors to loan us one.
NUCLEAR WASTE
Hanford, Washington will become the nation’s nuclear waste dump. This is good for Hanford, because nuclear waste is not a likely target for Soviet missiles. Anyway, it won’t all be kept there. Some of it will leak into the Columbia River and on out into the Pacific, where it will waste Soviet submarines and stray Soviet spy fish—which you shouldn’t have been eating anyway. It costs jobs. Eat American.
There have been many questions about the environment. I have questioned it myself. The point is that in America you have a choice. Do you prefer Red Death —No. 1, or Red Die—No. 2? To my taste, better Dead than Red, except in the case of China. In general, if you’re too well read you will become Red and then be dead, if I have anything to say about it.
ARMS BUDGET
Don’t criticize it. It’s only one trillion dollars. Anyway, once we’ve spent the money, we won’t have those riches the Soviets are currently coveting against the instructions of the Bible. So they won’t attack. Star Wars is the perfect peace plan. And its essential transitional component is the Peacemaker, formerly known as the MX. Now this re-naming is not a ploy. We don’t engage in ploys; on the contrary, we are primarily interested in de-ploying.
WESTY’S TRIAL
Thankfully CBS’s trials are over. They had, of course, criticized General Westmoreland for his legitimate efforts to get More Land for the West. Granted, he deleted the irregulars— women, children and old people—from the troop estimates. He was only supposed to delete them from the country.
It is my pleasure at this time to declassify some elements of the Washington Code, an official lingo used to avoid lying to the public. It would not have been my pleasure at this time, but the information has already been leaked by Leslie Gelb, and therefore it is my pleasure to state that it would have been my pleasure to divulge this information sooner or later.
“I have no plans to (run for office, rescue Nicaragua, etc.)—means I am not planning to. I have already decided to, so the plans are already made.
“Misstatement”: that which is not a lie.
“Untruth”: a deviation from the facts. (Obsolete)
“My esteemed colleague”: the idiot across the aisle.
“Bargaining chip”: that which is not negotiable.
“Everything is on the table”: Non-negotiable items will be shown, then cleared from the table.
“Under consideration”:
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- being tested for response from the public
- not under consideration
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“Remove from office”: a mild form of ousting
“American resolve”: the will for Soviet dissolve
“Man of vision”: a leader who is not burdened with facts
“He is on board”: the dissident official has been told to de-dissent.
To be fair, we must cite a few examples of creative language from the press, which is not immune to News Speak itself:
“Trend”: something which is not happening but which somebody would like to be happening.
“Major source”: Someone we have access to.
“Rising star”: someone we plan to quote more often.