9/87
64% of the American people, reached by phone, say Oliver North should be pardoned. Asked why they think this, 20% said because he stopped the Communists who are running drugs and killing babies two days drive from Harlingen, Texas, while 60% took the Fifth.
The poll also reveals that the American public is tired of government scandal and if more malfeasances were revealed they would not be interested. Scandals are out, said a 19-year-old sophomore at Ohio State who refused to be identified. He added that patriotism is back in, saying he knew it was because “I read it in a poll.”
SEX: Congress has been told that guards in nuclear weapons plants are having sex on the job. Clearly, said the report, this country cannot have sex with nuclear weapons.
10/87
CRASH…In the wake of the $500 billion stock market correction, the New York Stock Exchange will be moved to Las Vegas, according to officials. The Stock Slip of ’87 will not have the same effect as the crash of ’29, however, because the windows of the Stock Exchange are now nailed shut.
11/87
Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger has been replaced by National Security adviser Frank Carlucci, who has a long history of public service, as well as having worked for the CIA.
12/87
Some of the statements made by the hostages during their captivity, expressing sympathy for their captors, now turn out to have been misinterpreted. For example, Captain Testrake had said, “We’ve found out things about our fellow man on the other side of the world we didn’t know. We found that they’re human beings.” Since then, the so-called fellow men have of course turned out to be animals. Captain Testrake had also said “They have the same dreams for their country as we all have.” This can now be understood to mean that we both want to use the resources of their country to prosper.
In perhaps the most captivating comment of all, hostage Robert Trautmann said of his captivators, “As far as their attitude toward Americans, I think they like the people. I think it’s the government they object to.” And Jeffrey Ingalls added, “In the United States you only see what you see from the media there. You kind of see the other side of the story, being over here.” Obviously, if the people over there don’t like our government and they don’t like our media, they can’t possibly like our people, since government plus media equals people.
NASA says that its third launch failure in a row could be traceable to improperly manufactured or installed components, like the previous two failures, but denied this constitutes an indictment of capitalism. “Under socialism,” said a spokesman, “we’d never have gotten off the ground.”