11/89
The Slaveadoran Marxist Cuban proxy terrorist offensive has proved once again that Nicaraguan shipments of offensive weapons have been getting through. Obviously the Soviets are not the suppliers, but we prefer to give them the credit rather than take it ourselves. The possibility that the guerrillas get their weapons by buying them from the Contras or seizing them from the government was discounted by Fitzwater and therefore not reported here. The Slaveadoran government is stable and shows signs of being able to bring the death squads under control within the next 25 years.
Nicaraguan dictator Daniel Ortega has declared war on his own people in an attempt to subvert the democratic elections planned by the United States for his little peasant people, according to an objective news report. The reasons for the renewed hostility against the woefully disfunded Freedom Fighters were given by Ortega, but not reported here.
Mr. Ortega, writing in an op-ed piece in the New York Times on Thursday, said “We don’t consider it an acceptable ceasefire when we cease and the Contras fire.” President Bush responded that Ortega was making light of the situation and should step down. Mr. Ortega continued his war piece with a litany of well-worn charges that the United States was somehow responsible for the “killing” of alleged civilians and purported “slitting” of their so-called “throats” in recent days, instead of admitting that the incidents constituted the rising of the common people against his Foreign-Supported Regime, and deftly covering up the fact that Soviet-Supplied Cuba keeps the Sandinites in power so that they can sustain the Slaveadoran terrorists in their Campaign against Democracy, that is, us. Stay tuned for an editorial comment.
The State Department has denied there is any parallel between the alleged CIA plane that crashed in Angola while ferrying arms to anti-Communist rebels there and the Nicaraguan plane that carried arms to the Slaveadoran anti-Capitalist terrorists. “I would point out to you,” said spokeswoman Margaret Tutwiler, “that there is a regional peace agreement in Central America.” This explanation was recorded by press agencies and carried without comment in various newspapers, but thus far no one has been arrested in the incident.
Slaveadoran “death” “squads” have struck again. Six Jesuit priests were killed today by persons wearing army uniforms. A government spokesman speculated that guerrillas may have dressed up as government soldiers to perpetrate the act and create animosity toward the squads. A State Department spokesman noted that the guerrillas are backed by Nicaragua’s Communist “government,” which is a notorious persecutor of the Catholic Church, that is, Archbishop Obando y Bravo, that is, us.
Meanwhile the Cuban-backed, Nicaraguan-controlled Slaveadoran Terrorists continue their Final Throes offensive, occupying the homes of the country’s wealthiest citizens, but the government is In Control and shows every sign of remaining stable for at least five more minutes.
Americans being escorted out of the country were not being evacuated, said the U.S. Embassy; they were just going home early for the Tet holiday—sorry, Christmas. Reporters were also told that there is a Santa Claus.
The Pentagon is considering cuts of up to 100,000 in army personnel and $20 billion in the defense budget, saying that in peacetime, with no enemy on the planet, we should be able to keep the military budget under $300 billion, or approximately the price of the Soviet Union.
12/89
President Bush has summed up the elation of all Americans at the recent surge of pro-democracy forces. Referring to the most recent uprising, he commented, “We are deeply moved and heartened by the perseverance of the oppressed against a brutal, murderous and corrupt regime, and we welcome back into the family of civilized nations the victorious people of El Salva—excuse me, I’m sorry, of Romania.
The government of El Slaveador has arrested a colonel, three lieutenants and four other soldiers for the killings of six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her daughter. The U.S. State Department praised the arrests, saying they show that the Cristiani government can bring the army under its control within a year after it leaves office.
Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has denounced the European Community, saying Brussels is setting up a bureaucratic nightmare that will lead to loss of British sovereignty and culture, that is, it will lead to greater rights for workers.
The Philippine government of Cory Aquino has put down a coup attempt by Gregorio Honason. Asked about the U.S. aerial action the crisis, a State Department source said “We have a basis to defend the government, and a government to defend the bases.” No word on possible Libyan, Iranian or Syrian involvement in that coup, but staff experts are reported hard at work in the White House Situation Comedy room.
Massive demonstrations continue in Czechoslovakia as the government there says it will permit non-Communists to enter the government. No word from Washington yet on whether the U.S. will widen the base of the government here to permit the participation of non-Capitalist elements. Those desiring such a change are being urged by medical personnel to hold their breaths.
In Panama, the Vatican has complained about the U.S. blockade of its complex, and called the U.S. an occupying power. The Nunciature’s Joaquin Navarro-Vall, which translates roughly as Marlin Fitzwater, also complained about the U.S. Army blockaders blasting loud rock music at the building, including such tunes as Voodoo Chile, Nowhere to Run, and Smuggler’s Blues. Mr. Fitzwater (ours) replied that this use of music is standard practice in such situations, and lauded the “American sense of whimsy” in the choice of tunes. Whimsy, incidentally, like Democracy and rescuing small children from wells, was originally an American invention.
The Vatican has also accused President Bush of using the Noriega affair to cover up the high cost in human life of the Panama operation as well as to strengthen his domestic political image. The spokesman also noted that the U.S. had itself previously given asylum to heads of state such as Ferdinand Marcos and Anastasio Somoza, in order to help end the fighting in their respective countries. Mr. Fitzwater responded that the Vatican should return to its original project, grant democracy to its people, and discontinue construction of its new airport. He produced simulated photographs showing Vatican officials receiving Syrian chandeliers from a Libyan soldier disguised as a priest, accompanied by a Cuban interpreter. Fitzwater added that the Vatican is notorious for its persecution of the Church, having sent unarmed priests and nuns to their deaths in El Slaveador in order to embarrass the U.S. backed military democracy there.
1/90
The White House says the 1991 budget deficit could reach $165 billion. This is equal to approximately one-half the military budget for defense against the U.S.’s former enemies. Defense Against Official Enemies Secretary Dick Cheney commented that we must maintain our strength because new enemies are always just around the corner, waiting for us. Mr. Cheney denied having a military-industrial complex.
The administration fears that budget cuts could hurt the drug war, air safety, and even President Bush’s re-election itself, especially if the government runs out of terrorist drug-running nations with populations under five million to rescue. President Bush did not say he was considering new taxes, but allowed congressional Republicans to take the fall, that is, to lead, on the issue.
The Democrats said they had no intention of discussing taxes unless Bush brought the matter up first, but the President continues to maintain his No First Mention policy. His policy does allow for insinuations of flexibility in budget discussions.
President Bush has announced he will nominate John R. Dunne, a New York insurance lawyer, as Assistant Attorney General for civil rights. Mr. Dunne is a member of a country club that bars women, and was vigorously opposed to busing for school desegregation. Mr. Dunne has no experience in civil rights law and is considered the best and the brightest the Republican Party has to offer.
The fourth South African policeman in a month has asserted that police were told by superiors to torture and kill black dissidents. The U.S. has declined to invade because South Africa is moving towards reform, and has more than 3 million people.
Imprisoned ANC leader Nelson Mandela has called for negotiations to end what reporters have called “the poisoned relations between whites and blacks due to violence and repression.” Relations were on an even keel, sweet and mellow, before the recent round of antagonisms that began in 19—make that 1852.
Washington Mayor Marion Barry has entered a drug treatment center in Florida, and speculation is growing that the Mayor was pursued by law enforcement agencies more vigorously than if he had been White or if he had been a Jaguar‑driving executive of a failing Savings and Loan company. But in a random survey, only 14% of whites supported the allegation along with only 6% of Savings and Loan executives. 59% of respondents said that if Barry does not resign his post, they would support an invasion.
The Pentagon plans to close numerous military bases in Democratic districts, including several in the San Francisco Bay Area. Asked whether Democratic Congressional districts were being targeted for more than their share of closings in order to victimize Democratic Congressional representatives at the polls, Defense Secretary Dick Cheney responded “That hadn’t occurred to me, but it’s an interesting idea.”
In the wake of changes in Eastern Europe, questions have been raised about the Pentagon’s budget: Do multi‑billion dollar weapons systems such as the Stealth bomber and the Star Wars system any longer make sense? If the nation doesn’t need them to deter Moscow, would simpler and cheaper weapons be just as effective in Third World skirmishes, fighting terrorism and drug smuggling, protecting American economic interests and fighting brush‑fire wars? Would different weapons systems turn out to be appropriate if the United States began to be perceived by its own populace as being on the wrong side of most conflicts? Would different weapons be in order if citizens began to ask too many questions?
First son Neil Bush has refused to accept a settlement in a Savings and Loan case which would have barred him from “certain practices” if he were to become a thrift officer again in the future. The younger Bush, who was a director of Silverado Banking, Savings and Loan and Association, R.I.P., was not barred from working for a federally insured financial institution in the future, as were other Silverado officers, because “he’s suffered enough.” Bush is accused of various conflicts of interest in the case of Silverado Savings and Loan, which was bailed out by the taxpayers at a cost in the low 10 figures.
A new report from Frontline reveals that U.S. narcotics agents had the goods on Manuel Noriega as early as 1971, and that under President Nixon they were moving to indict him but that his file mysteriously disappeared and has never been found. The White House called the report a “non‑starter.” Asked why the Bush administration had not initiated a search for the missing file, the spokesman responded, “Just Cause.” The President has acknowledged having worked with Mr. Noriega in the past in an unnamed three‑lettered quasi‑governmental organization, but said he began to distance himself from the general when he found out about the red underwear and plastic frogs.
It now appears that 100 pounds of non‑cocaine found in Manuel Noriega’s guest house was not some type of Voodoo Bonding Material after all. The confusion came from a typo: The original message said Voodoo binding material, otherwise known as tamales. President Bush said he would not apologize for the original story, even though it had served to legitimize the invasion in the eyes of the public. The President did offer to retract the invasion, but word quickly came that an assailant had shot and killed a US employee of the Panama Canal, and the invasion was reinstated. The president was questioned at a press conference this morning about the loss of Panamanian civilian lives during the Rescue, and he responded, “I tell people, look, we regret any loss of life, but that was a small price for us to pay to have a freely installed government there.
In the wake of the Panama Rescue Mission, code-named Operation Just Cuz, many countries have expressed regret about the move, but many governments do support us privately, according to a White House spokesman. They just can’t say so because their people would overthrow them.