presented by George Shrub, Committee to Intervene Anywhere
3/85
Recent polls taken by the national news media indicate that the American people are deeply concerned about Syrianite terrorism, and that they credit the national news media with making them more aware of the problem, and further that they would like to read more about terrorism in the national news media. In response to the question, “Would you say that U.S. overthrows of governments and maintenance of massacre-based regimes would constitute state terrorism?,” 43% responded “Don’t Know,” while 57% responded “Don’t Want to Know.”
Lyndon LaRouche says that AIDS has been spread by the KGB, CIA, International Monetary Fund, World Bank and environmentalists. None of them could be reached for comment.
IN SPORTS: Most Ohio Savings and Loan institutions remain closed this week in honor of a marathon event held along the Ohio River, entitled the Run on the Banks. This exciting event has become the best attended run since the 1930’s.
No word yet on a date for the Nuclear Winter Olympics, which are expected to be held throughout the world and refereed by Carl Sagan.
In London, the Airline Pilots Association has decided that its members will no longer fly into nations that support terrorism. Travelers are advised to fly to Tijuana or Toronto and take Greyhound from there.
6/85
The competitive bidding for Saturn—the car—continues, with the fascinating innovation of the Governors offering bids on the sale of their own states. This helps to clarify who’s boss, but only until a state is chosen in which to plant the plant. Then, when the state is sold, free enterprise can come back in to free the economy up so that Big GovaMint can get out of the way of the Private Sector and let the Sector get on with the Markup of the Magicplace.
3/86
HEARTCOOLING QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Michelle Duvalier to Barbara Walters: ” One cannot live in Port-au-Prince without air conditioning.”
Extremist guerrillas launched five rockets at the meeting place of the moderate, responsible summit leaders in Tokyo yesterday. President Reagan commented, “They missed,” and Prime Minister Thatcher added, “We are not worried about it. Just don’t exaggerate it. Get the message?” The Reagan/Speakes administration is reportedly happy that it got everything it wanted at the summit and that no one else got anything, although President Reagan reportedly did concede, in relation to the dollar, that there are other currencies.
4/86
Reformist South African President P.W. Botha has announced that pass laws restricting the movement of Blacks will be abolished. He credited the change to U.S. quiet diplomacy, and said that if militant Blacks claimed credit for the change, he would reverse his decision.
President Reagan has declared that Libya has declared war on the United States. The President responded to the provocation firmly, saying “they clearly cannot be reasoned with, and we will meet on the battlefield if necessary with any terrorist nation of less than four million people.” Recapping the events leading up to the present situation: the Libyite hit squads shot six missiles at three of our planes last month, missing a total of twelve times. It was an act of fantastically, amazingly, incredibly and totally unprovoked aggression right in our allies’ back yard. We retaliated, decommissioning some of their seagoing hardware. The action was described as a preventive, self-defensative terrorectomy on military-related targets, made at the request of Israel, Honduras and Grenada.
The daring, courageous strike against a nation larger than Alaska, and with ten times the population, was wimpishly condemned by China and most of NATO, not to mention the Soviet Bloc. The American flag was burned in Greece and West Germany, and protests were held in India, Austria, Cyprus and Sudan. Israel, Britain, and Canada supported the attacks and will not be bombed.
Now that Libya has been put on notice, are we likely to see similar messages delivered to other purveyors of Leninist totaliterrorism? An unnamed source in the State Department told us, “We are looking into that possibility as a routine course of non-linkaged perusal.” The source added that one possible target could be the Sandinistas, saying that they “have been plotting to perpetrate abortions in Brazil and drug deals in Colombia, and to kill praying schoolchildren in Harlingen, Texas.” The source predicted that the American people would support the government’s actions, in part thanks to the very large number of organs of the press in America, all saying the same thing several times over a period of time and thus giving the message an opportunity to sink in, if not to be thought through.
Colonel Khadafi has decreed that the Soviets will help him against the “forces of imperialism,” a Libyan code word (also used occasionally in Latin America, Asia, Africa and Europe) for Western Democracy.
5/86
The United States has shot down two Libyan fighter planes in what has been described as a routine maneuver. The incident took place over international, that is, U.S. waters, over 70 miles from Libyan territory and within a few miles of U.S. territory, that is, ships.
The F-14’s beat the Soviet-made MiG-23’s in the brief battle due to the greater number of automatic features on the American planes. According to Norman Polmar of the Naval Institute Data Base, “The F-14 pilot does not have to think, he just flies.”
Soviet Secretists continue to maintain that only 12 people died from the Chernobyl disaster. Meanwhile Western Openists have discontinued their charges that 2000 died in the accident. They have not dropped their charges or withdrawn them, but merely discontinued them, as they have served their purpose.
6/86
William Rehnquist has been sworn in as Chief Justice of the United States. He says the Rehnquisition will begin Monday.
White House Press Secretary Larry Spoke today that Presidential press conferences have outgrown their usefulness. ABC correspondent Sam Donaldson countered that news conferences are the only chance the American public has to see Ronald Reagan use his mind. The press secretary agreed.
The President has vetoed sanctions on South Africa, saying “I’m not saying the Congress, the American people, the United Nations, the Commonwealth and the OAU are wrong—I’m just saying I’m more Right.”
U.S. peace battleships remain on alert in the Persian Gulf, protecting the Gulf from the Persians. New polls indicate that 56% of the American people do not believe we are at war with Iran, but a whopping 73% believe that Iran believes that it is at war with the United States. The administration feels that if we should become involved in something a majority can agree is a war, it would be well worth it, since it would boost the President’s popularity, with a trickle-down effect, making all Americans popular.
Israeli peace-keeping troops continue their defense of the West Bank against attacks from its inhabitants, who are Palestinians and therefore do not exist. The soldiers use only Uzi rifles to defend themselves against the terrorists, who are heavily armed with Soviet-bloc rocks. The Defense Ministry reported that Western access to oil was saved.
The Israelis have assured the United Nations that they plan to continue to counter terrorism in the Meddle East by getting to the scene of the crime first and committing the act themselves.
The President has asked Israel not to ask him to ask them for anything. Israel wanted him to ask; it was not required that he ask politely, but it was stipulated that he would later admit that he had asked, if asked. This offer was turned down. At this point the President went before the press and said, “Who’s the president of that airport, anyhow?”
A new scholarly study by the College Republican organization reveals that anti-apartheid protestors are members of the “Cause of the Month Club” and are endangering the right of free speech by using it. The retiring President of Yale, Bartlett Giamatti, added, “We all agree apartheid is an unmitigated evil. We don’t have to prove our abhorrence by divesting.”
Morton Thiokol, Inc., the manufacturer of the booster rocket that sent the Challenger to its doom, will be required to do $409 million of repairs on future rockets at zero profit. In return for this penalty they will not be blamed for the accident.
Philippines Defense Minister Enrile, who replaced former Defense Minister Enrile as Defense Minister, has denounced the old government. He said that Marcos began honestly, but that his regime degenerated into corruption in its last three days.
7/86
STATUE OF LIBERTY EXTRAVAGANZA
The President of France has been disinvited, leaving center stage to President Reagan. After all, the statue is ours now. Meanwhile, ugly rumors to the effect that the French gave the U.S. the statue in commemoration of the abolition of slavery have touched off speculation that the event will be taken over and turned into a rally protesting so-called “continuing” “injustices” against alleged “Blacks” in this country. To prevent this, the Chilean ship Esmeralda, known for its sternness in refusing to bow to dissidents, will attend the festivities. Although the government is spending $5.7 million for security and $3.2 million for publicity about the security, authorities say there are no guarantees, and they are urging Americans to celebrate liberty by staying at home and writing checks to the armed service of their choice.
8/86
AFRICA: In a recent meeting, Secretary of State Shultz urged African National Congress President Oliver Tambo to renounce violence in pursuit of change in South Africa. Tambo responded that the right of revolution is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence. Shultz replied that the passage in question refers to people rebelling against foreign domination—or in 20th century terms, Communism. Tambo later sent a note to Nancy Reagan, asking for a sample from Shultz.
9/86
NO MORE VIETNAMS: President Reagan has issued a finding authorizing $10 million over two years for A finding is a government directive that allows an agency to take actions that would otherwise be immoral. CIA involvement in the Philippine government`s counter-insurgency campaign. Said an intelligence source, “We don’t want to see any more Vietnams—just more Vietnam wars. A finding is a government directive that allows an agency to take actions that would otherwise be immoral.
ADVICE FOR AQUINO: In the wake of Philippines President Corazon Aquino’s visit to Washington, Proconsul Philip Habib has revealed that the Reagan administration had been planning the removal of Philippines leader Ferdinand Marcos for two years. Secretary of State Shultz congratulated President Aquino on her commitment to nonviolence, advising her that the revolution should continue to be non-violent, and also should end next week, so the Filipino people can get on with the task of not joining with the Communist guerrillas of the alleged “New” self-proclaimed “People’s” purported “Army.” If Aquino plays her cards right, said Shultz, the terrorists will lose all the popular support that they already don’t have, according to U.S. law. Shultz also advised against making any rash economic changes, such as the elimination of U.S. bases or hunger.
A new study by Pentagon business analysts concludes that it’s none of your business if money is donated to Freedom Fighters by freedom-loving private organizations such as Saudi Arabia and Brunei. The study notes that if Elliot Abrams of the State Department asked for the donations, he did so on his own time, which would of course be his Business.
Investigative reporters are looking into allegations that all of U.S. foreign policy may be exactly the opposite of what was previously thought. Among the specific allegations are that the Pentagon has been secretly arming Libya, the CIA has been giving nuclear secrets to moderates in North Korea, and that the United states is actually the Soviet Union.
Disturbances continue under the state of emergency in South Africa, but Secretary of State Shultz says sanctions against that country would be “sort of a copout.” Anti-apartheid spokespeople polled by us agreed, saying withdrawing loans and business on the part of the United States would be like taking the cop out of South Africa.
10/86
IBM AND GENERAL MOTORS have pulled out of South Africa, saying “We cannot in good conscience continue to do business in a country where our investment helps to sustain a system under which we are losing money.”
In Nicaragua, a land mine exploded under a civilian transport truck, planted either by the Freedom Fighters or by the Sandinistas in an effort to discredit the Freedom Fighters. No people were killed—only Communists.
Non-CIA pilot Eugene Hasenfus is still being held hostage by the Nicaraguan “government” in direct violation of U.S. law. President Reagan says that Hasenfus is being tried by a Kangaroo Court, but the President continues to deny any knowledge of Hasenfus’ existence. Hasenfus did fly for Southern Air transport, but that is not a CIA airline. It was sold several years ago.
A protest rally was held against President Reagan’s Central America policy across from the White House yesterday. The demonstration, led by Jeane Kirkpatrick, Patrick Buchanan and Elliot Abrams, demanded that the policy be more like it is, immediately. Those attending the rally included many Cuban exiles from New York who now live in New Jersey.
Filipino Defense Minister Enrile, who replaced former Defense Minister Enrile as Defense Minister, is threatening to quit the government. He now feels that the current government is as bad as he now feels the Marcos government was.
ADVICE WARS: President Reagan this week ordered 55 Soviet diplomats out of the U.S. In retaliation, Mikhail Gorbachev ordered 55 American advisers out of El Slaveador. In response, Reagan abolished the 55-mile per hour speed limit. The move was hailed as a revolution, and throngs filled the freeways singing the revolutionary anthem, Life Begins at 55.
Attorney General Edwin Meese said today that Supreme Court interpretations of the Constitution are not the last word or the supreme law of the land. He cited the 1954 School Desegregation decision, saying that if the framers of the Constitution had wanted school desegregation, they wouldn’t have allowed slavery.
11-86
America’s Catholic bishops have approved a pastoral letter urging full employment and an end to alleged poverty in the U.S. Pope John Paul II, in a carefully measured response, asked, “If we make heaven here on earth, what will we need the other one for?”
TONIGHT’S TOP STORY: Rebellion against Soviet occupation continues to flare in Idaho, but Nebraskans reportedly do not feel any connection to it, being more concerned with local issues such as long lines for tomatoes and bad coffee with their soy pancakes. Can’t happen here? Perhaps not, but the miniseries “Amerika” provides a sober, thoughtful view of what life will be like if liberals, feminists and environmentalists continue to weaken the nation’s will.
Under Soviet domination, says the series, phones will malfunction, dissidents will be unjustly jailed, farms Under the Soviets, political protests are outlawed, instead of ignored. will fail, and the homeless will wander in the cold. But in other ways, our lives under the Soviets would be different than today. For example, doctors would lose their condos in Vail, and political protests would be outlawed instead of ignored. Responding to protestors who claim the series incites hatred and fanaticism, writer-director Donald Wrye explains that the show is not about being invaded or occupied, or about Russia vs. America, and that he was merely exercising the artistic freedom we have here in America to spend $30 million promoting World War III.
In Moscow, Communist Party Boss Gorbachev has denounced the U.S. Government for allegedly misrepresenting the results of the Reykjavik talks. Press Secretary Larry Spoke that the White House is pleased that Secretary Gorbachev enjoyed the meeting. He defended the 100-odd presentations made since the non-summit to put across the White House’s view of the talks, saying the presentations were not intended to undermine or distort the meeting—”We just got lucky.”
Tonight on television President Reagan will break his silence on the arms affair. According to advance dribbles, he will address the nation, but not the questions of secret management of the Contras, coverup of Iran policy, or his own statements. There is a reason for this. According to Nancy Reagan, “We’re doing all we can in 13 minutes.” The President reportedly will reveal that power resides not in the White House, but with the people, and it is therefore the American people who have fucked up.
1/87
HOSTAGE DRAMA: FBI agents have seized eight Palestinian terrorists from their suburban Los Angeles homes, and plan to deport them under the 1952 McCarran-Walter Act, which permits deportation of foreign nationals holding different views than the FBI.
President Reagan has submitted three versions of when he approved the sale of arms to Iran. He rhetorically asked all those present at the photo opportunity if they could remember what they did on April 8, 1985, and none could. The Cabinet, John Poindexter, and Oliver North were not in the room at the time.
A Los Angeles Times poll indicates that only 37% of the public believe Reagan is in charge of the government, but 79% say they like him personally. This is explained by the fact that at least 63% do not like the government, personally.
Sam Hall, who was not a U.S. government mercenary but rather an irregular, and who was caught with maps of Nicaraguan army bases in his socks, was released by the self-styled Nicaraguan government on the grounds that he is mentally unstable. At the Managua airport he told reporters “I’m sorry I tried to ambush the Nicaraguan people.” State Department sources clarified that Hall was not apologizing, merely noting his regret that he had been caught. Hall is in custody of U.S. security agents and will be available for comment after a few adjustments.
2/87
Elsewhere on the adjustment front, a Slaveadoran army colonel released last week by the leftist Marxist guerrilla terrorists told the press that the guerrillas only want peace. Presidential daughter Inez Garcia experienced similar confusion on her release by the terrorists, but has recently appeared much more sedate in public.
The Bureau of Prisons reports that condoms will not be distributed inside jails because sexual activities in jail are illegal.
George Bush has told a Lansing, Michigan audience “these are good times to be a Republican.” Nancy Reagan told reporters afterwards she was not aware of the Vice-President having a drug problem, but would encourage him to “just say nothing.”
A bomb blew apart a jetliner that had departed from Sri Lanka Saturday, with a death toll of 22. Several of the victims were Europeans, and the rest were not.
Acting CIA Director Robert Gates has told his staff he is not satisfied with the statements they’ve made on possibly illegal support to the Nicaraguan Freedom Fighters, and has asked them to revise their stories. Gates noted that in a free country, you get a second chance.
Student rioting in France is over but continues in Spain and Mexico City. The issue in all three countries: government attempts to institute new admission requirements that students claim will create elitist institutions and keep poor people on the bottom. But as one university official queried, “Who else can you put on the bottom?”