December 1, 1983
I would like to respond tonight to the allegation that we of the United States of America are imperialists. Just because we convert underdeveloped economies into a single crop export basis, and just because we have the good business sense to acquire wholly-owned oligarchies which in turn own and operate the aforesaid underdeveloped economies—that’s not imperialism. That, my friends, is simply the highest stage of capitalism. It’s good old American competition, and may the rich man win.
No, on the contrary, we are anti-imperialists. We have attempted to dismantle the British Empire in Grenada, the Argentine Empire in the Falselands, the Cuban Empire in Angola, and the Nicaraguan Empire, which continues its vicious attacks on democratic Honduran peace-keeping forces, who crossed into Nicaragua in self-defense, for the limited objective of retrieving a frisbee.
We do not seek the overthrow of the Sandinoid government, only the return of their regime to its original revolutionist project, best embodied by the previous management there.
Yes, imperialism is even today a grave threat to our world piece. Even now, the moderately evil Canadian empire has stretched its tentacles towards the sovereign people of Detroit, attempting in their cynicism to deny the civic leaders of that great city the God-given right to reign in all their acidic splendor. The Lord is an assiduous God. And if he didn’t want their reign to be acidic he wouldn’t have invented the eight-cylinder engine.
Who defeated the Asiatically evil Japanese Empire, when it dared to strike east at the West? America did. Who convinced them to follow the path of peaceful competition? America did. Who convinced them to beat us at our own game? Well, we have uncovered a treasure-trove of documents which clearly prove that the Japanese have used Libyan-style efficiency studies, which were smuggled out of North Vietnam by Syrian agents disguised as Israelis, to unfairly corner the world market in the microchip industry. Let the chips fall where they may: the Japanese will never take Chrysler alive.
Who dismantled the centrally-evil axis of German Hitlerism? Well it is deniable, but true, that the heroic Russian people gave us some degree of assistance in that skirmish. However, after the cynical sacrifice of some 20 million Russian lives (roughly equivalent to 7 million American lives or about $260 million), the great Russian Bear then took it upon its own self-styled shoulders to establish the Soviet Empire as Hitler’s heir, the ruler of the world—a role which by any legal or moral standard clearly belongs to the United States.
It should be evident by now that Soviet Imperialism is the center of evil in the world. (Some of you may remember that they used to share the title with the Chinese Imperialists, but those Imperialists have been rehabilitated, so you can just forget everything you know about them—everything bad.) The old saying, “The only good Red is a dead Red” is as true as it ever was, more or less. If the Kremlinites want to challenge us by trying to make the whole world go Soviet, sobeit. We can fight dirty too. Though we would never, never initiate a first strike under normal circumstances.
But if it takes a bloodbath, let’s get it over with. We shall not sit by idly while the Bolshevites and their proxies threaten our inalienable right to pre-emptive retaliatory peacekeeping actions.
Sometimes in the evening I look up at that great unmanned satellite, the good old American moon, and think of the poor oppressed people of Angola, where a Marxist-Leninist totalitarianationist regime is protected from the wrath of its own people by 40 to 600,000 Cuban troops disguised as a peacekeeping force. I think of the valor of the heroic freedom fighters of the free Republic of South Africa, who are attempting to liberate Angola so that its citizens may taste the fruit of freedom in all the bountiful splendor with which it is tasted in the Democratic Republic of South Africa.
However, the south Africans have no intention of overthrowing the Angolan government, though such a development would not be greeted with dismay in Washington, though we have not consulted with the South Africans on this, though the Israelis may have, though we have not consulted with them either, as a forthcoming White Paper will make perfectly clear. No, the South Africans merely seek to force the Marxist leaders in Angola to return to the civilized mode of operation that modern nations have taken for granted since Teddy Roosevelt rescued Cuba from the Communist-inspired Spanish Conquistadors in 1898. (Some of you probably believe that the Communist threat began in the dark Moscow days of 1917, but old Comrade Karl actually got his Communist Inspiration from the Paris Commune-ists of 1871, who sought to implement so-called land reform and Nicaraguan-style neighborhood vigilance committees.)
It was in fact Teddy Roosevelt who developed a Roosevelt Coronary for the original Monroe Doctor. He stated that “impotence which results in a general loosening of the ties of civilized society may finally require the intervention by some civilized nation.” Of course Africa isn’t in either of our wholly-owned hemispheres, the Western or the Northern. But we are the only ones virile enough to deal with those impotent Africans who, as we all know, not only loosened their ties but gave up wearing them altogether in a sinister attempt to evade our rescue missions.
Now in regard to the so-called situation in self-styled Nicaragua: The United States must prepare to defend itself against this evil Soviet fiefdom because the Nicaraguan Army has been aggressively preparing its defenses, cynically claiming that the U.S. would invade them, which could become a self-fulfilling prophecy if we are pushed far enough. And we are being pushed farther every day by the atrocities committed in that slipped disc along the spine of the Free World. Did you know, friends, that graduates of the Nicaraguan Militia are given Cuban magazines, paperback books by Lenin, and speeches by Andropov, instead of copies of Readers Digest, paperbacks by Teddy Roosevelt and speeches by me?
It has been revealed recently by implied sources that the Sandinites are also notorious Anti-Semitists, unlike the Argentinists and the Paraguese, who merely provide humanitarian refuge for ex- and former so-called Nazis. Granted, there was a Jewish Sandinite commander—or they said he was Jewish—but he was killed in the war against Somoza—they said it was against Somoza—and there is deniably a Jewish Minister of education. But the Minister of Tourism is described as being “of Jewish descent,” an obvious slur implying that the Jewish people have descended. But of course these are all token Jews, as are in fact all the Jews in Nicaragua since there are only 50 of them. They are kept there for show. Actually, of the 50 Jewish families, 34 have left. Of the remaining 16, four are government ministers, eight are in business, two are in prison for being so-called Somocistas, and the two remaining are token generic Jews.
As for the recent flurry of so-called peace proposals by the junta in Nicaragua, this is obviously an extension of their flurrying tactic, an attempt to snow us, which they obviously learned from the Russian style of attempted confusionary tactics at the Geneva discussions which we are currently holding with ourselves. We are not fooled by these attempts of the imperialists to paint themselves as peace-makers. they don’t even begin to resemble missiles. And we can’t tell if they’ve sent home Cuban soldiers disguised as Cuban teachers, or Cuban teachers disguised as Cuban soldiers—a typical proxyite smokescreen. And where there’ s a screen, you can be sure the President will act.
In closing, I thank you for your attendance and attention. If you keep up this use of your democratic freedoms on a voluntary basis, we may not have to make them mandatory.