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FONDA: Followers of the “economic justice” fad are in disarray in the wake of the trial separation of Hanoi Jane and her secretly communist husband, Tom. The couple were noted for rampant corruption, channeling large sums of money from workout videos into political campaigns. Mainstream commentator Pat Buchanan called the breakup “one more example of leftoid factionalism,” and Hayden’s career is likely to falter without his glamorous wife by his side, according to tomorrow’s column by political wag Liz Smith. The CIA has denied involvement.
NEW NUKES: The United States and the Soviet Union have concluded an agreement to hold nuclear weapons tests on each other’s soil. The deal constitutes phase one of a larger agreement that includes provisions to launch nuclear missiles from each other’s territory, with each nation targeting its own cities. The pact also calls for the two superpowers to pay for each other’s nuclear buildups in order to spend themselves into submission.
The Sands Casino in Atlantic City has cancelled a planned speech on American Family Life by Oliver North because the speech would “strain the integrity of the casino industry.”
The U.S. Supreme Court, in a long-awaited move against affirmative action, has attacked the policy of reserving jobs for minorities, declaring setaside to be a crime against humanity.
The Federal Government has announced plans to resolve Mexico’s economic woes, curtail emigration of Mexicans to the United States, and stop the drug trade, all with one ditch.
Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he plans to parachute thousands of tiny television sets into remote Third World villages, all the sets being tuned to receive his program. Asked whether the Satellite Video Rescue Mission might not constitute religious imperialism, Robertson replied “If God hadn’t wanted everybody to be a Christian, he wouldn’t have given television to the White man.”
CABAL: An anonymous source has leaked State Department memos concerning a threat by a terrorist cabal, composed of Cuba, Nicaragua, Syria, Libya and Barbaria, along with four other nations ending with uh, saying that they would not rule out the possibility of bombing an alleged chemical weapons plant in the United states. A White House spokesman commented, “We have no such plants, and as you can see, their existence is justified.”
The trial is on for Lt. Col. Oliver North, accused of illegally accepting a security fence for his house and covering up the gift on his tax return. The jury selection process has been slowed by the need to eliminate all those who had watched any part of the Iran-Contra hearings, since they might be prejudiced against North due to his previous admissions of guilt in the case. This leaves a pool of potential jurors who take no interest in America’s government and would therefore be disinterested jurors. One woman in the pool said she saw North in uniform on TV but thought it was the Three Stooges. She was approved for duty.