The armed subversion carried out by the Sandinoid junta against their neighbors is a violation of international law. We know this because they have relations with Iran, the PLO and Libya, as well as France, Panama and Sweden. We know this, and yet they have tried to cover it up by trying to try the United States of America in the world court for exactly those crimes they are guilty of. But they have succeeded only in trying our patience. And since our patience is on trial, we must put up a defense, and the Freedom Fighters are just such a defense. The best defense is an offense, and they certainly are that.

The Freedom Fighters are the moral equal of our Founding Fathers, not counting inflation. They are like the French Resistance in World War II, in that they have our support. They are like the Abraham Lincoln Brigade against Franco, in that we didn’t send them there, but we didn’t try to stop them, not directly. And we are like Lafayette, who aided us against an oppressor with no thought of gain for himself, since as you know England and France are old allies.

“ELECTIONS”

Those elections were not rigged. We bought these elections fair and square. Those who are fooled by the Sandinoids’ propaganda show will tell you that they have had elections. The elections in Nicaragua were not free. That is, they couldn’t be bought. The contras, on the other hand, can be bought on the free market, and are therefore freedom fighters.

So that is not a legitimate government. We know this. They took power from the barrel of a gun. Granted, we did that too. But we were revolting against big govamint. Higher taxes. The Sandinites were revolting against a small government. And now they just revolting.

Now in El Slave-ador it was different. The elections there were just. They were just so. Some would say they were just so-so. But these were free elections. The voting was free. It was free to vote. And they were not rigged. No, we bought these elections fair and square. They were just as free as our own elections. (As you may unfortunately be aware, the District of Columbia did not vote correctly, that is, they lost, and so they may be in for some re-districting. Throughout the country, 90% of the blacks also mis-voted, and Ron has said that they clearly didn’t have the facts, so those voters will have to be re-colored.)

We have a moral duty to help the Freedom Fighters; that is, to control them. To make the Sandinites say Uncle. To make the Freedom Fighters into uncles. That is, to make their brothers into fathers. And they are our brothers. So they need children. And the Nicaraguites are like children, so there should be no problem. Also, we must pressure the Sandinoid regime to stop exporting revolution, to stop them from stopping us from stopping revolution. The American people demand this. And the American people are fair. They are fair-minded, and they are fair-haired. Further, we must press for reforms. To reform the government, not to oust them, but to move them aside in the sense of their present structure. Because they are against the family. That is why they must say Uncle. And then they can stay.

They are censoring our paper there. I mean, a paper that likes us. Also, they have been mean to the church, just because the Bishop there called for the overthrow of the government. And they claim that the bishops there have not spoken out once against the “crimes of the contras.” Have they never heard of the freedom from speech? They seem to think that silence is a crime. So we’re going to have to move them aside. And the same is the case in Poland. They must be moved aside so we can see what the Russians are up to.

Now in El Slave-ador you have a different situation, because the Archbishop there called for Revolutionary, Radical and Violent Change, but he is no longer with us—in fact he was never with us, but he is not being repressed by that government so we are not going to move them aside. No, we are going to stay at their side, and on their side. In fact, I’ll have you know, we are their side.

And now come the predictable assertions that the Freedom Fighters are committing “atrocities” against the “population.” Now this is another of their distortionary tactics. You see, in Nicaragua you can’t always tell the civilians from the combatants. Which is quite different from the way it was in Vietnam, where you couldn’t necessarily in every case tell the combatants from the civilians. So while it is deniable but true that the Freedom Fighters may have set a truck full of civilians on fire and cut their throats, it may invariably turn out that the civilians had offered a ride to some Sandinite soldiers. Or those civilians may have been carrying arms for “protection” against “Contra” “attacks,” and since they were carrying arms, the Freedom Fighters had to assume they were plainclothes Sandinites.

If it becomes impossible to pry those few dollars out of Congress for our Self-Defense actions in Nicaragua, we will encourage the private sector to come to our aid. It’s time Big Govamint got off the backs of Defense. And speaking of backs, America is back. Back to the halcyon days of private investment when people worked hard to defend their own interests in other people’s countries. This is just a nickel and dime war anyhow. With all the major budget items we’re asking the American people to consider, why bother them with trivia? Our newly-opened “Freedom Fighters Fund” will enable private citizens to contribute directly to a numbered, publicly known bank account, instead of having to traipse all over Florida looking for the camp.

I’ve been criticized, and rightly so, for failing to present any commercials along with my commentary. So here we go.

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We’re also involved in health care rights. When the Shah of Iran became indisposed, he used our services to get to the hospital on time—that time. We inherited the fine tradition of Intermountain Aviation, who worked to guard the rights of the rightful owners of Portuguese Africa and supported the private sector efforts of a free enterprise army in which our government held some stock in Laos.

Evergreen is a wholesome American enterprise. We don’t engage in bombing , except for a few paraquat sorties in Mexico. As for the rest of our activities, I can tell you that, in your heart of hearts, you don’t really want to know. So don’t ask to know, just bask in the glow of America’s public service airline—keeping the skies friendly, for our friends.