In this article I will attempt to represent the viewpoint of the imperialist community on the Grenade-a matter so that after reading it you will proceed to do nothing about the issue.

We are the guardians of the region against its own lack of judgement. We stopped the Communists in Nicaragua in 1874, and several times since. Franklin Roosevelt pointed out, in the case of the first Somoza, the merits of having our own son-of-a-bitch. We have had many admirable, hard-working ones. But after Cuba, Guatemala, Chile, Cuba, Nicaragua, Nicaragua, Cuba and Nicaragua, the Committee to Intervene Anywhere has finally intervened Anywhere.

The Western hemisphere must be protected from the Eastern hemisphere by the Northern hemisphere.

We chose Grenade-a for humanitarian considerations. For the wounded, there was a medical school conveniently located on the island. Fortunately, there have been no people killed in the action—only Communists. Incidentally, the reason that all the resistance has come from Cuban soldiers, and that there have been no comments or actions from Grenade-a is that for the last two weeks there have been no Grenade-ians on the island. They have all been on vacation in Cuba; we plan to rescue them shortly. (In actuality, these “vacations” were merely a cover for the Soviets to convert Grenade-a into a military airstrip, further covered by the clever use of a British contracting firm).

It is true that 18 American boys were killed in the action and others were wounded. However, it is a glorification of the Cubistas fighting capability to credit these casualties to enemy fire. To the contrary, four Navy men drowned in a pre-Rescue accident, several died when two of our own helicopters collided, and 14 were injured when a U.S. air strike was called on the wrong location. In fact, the enemy has been so inefficient at killing our forces compared to our own capability, that in the future we’re considering going to war against ourselves.

In this particular case, however we went in to protect American lives, as we will continue to do Anywhere that they may at some point perhaps be taken hostage, mugged, asked embarrassing questions about U.S. foreign policy or otherwise inconvenienced. American lives must be protected. Americans abroad are susceptible to a disease, widely prevalent in so-called third world countries, known as Communist Filtration. It strikes Americans in disproportionate numbers, unless of course we strike First. It often leads to complications such as literacy, expropriation and, in severe cases, sovereignty. The only physician competent to treat the disease is, of course, the Monroe Doctor. The old ways are the only ways.

Our assistance in Grenade-a is a simple case of hemispheric security. The Western hemisphere must be protected from the Eastern hemisphere by the Northern hemisphere. I just don’t understand why Western values aren’t appreciated in the Southern hemisphere.

And we’re not just talking about a lot of nutmeg down there in the Carob Bean. We’re talking about Soviet-Style airports. An airport is not a toy for little children to play with. It’s a toy for grownup nations.

The action in Grenade-a may have come as a surprise to many; we all thought Grenade-a would invade the United States. Obviously the regime was a threat to the region, just as Cuba has been. Cuba took over Grenade-a, Grenade-a seized Nicaragua, and soon Nicaragua will overrun Mexico, El Slave-ador, Chile, and Guacamole. Those few nations who disagreed with our action—and there were only 150 or so—simply don’t understand the stakes. If they would just listen to our explanations in the press, they would understand that it’s a high-stakes game of revolving crap. Or perhaps you could liken it to a game of Monopoly.

The whole situation was best explained by Ed Meese in Denver last week: This was not an invasion; it was a landing. Sort of an open-door policy. (Our ambassador to the United Nations—still sporadically in operation—has on the other hand characterized it as a rescue. Which just goes to show how much pluralism we have in this nation.)

Now that Grenade-a is part of the Free World again, and the self-styled “Radio Free Grenade-a” has been restored to its proper respectful title “Spice Island Radio,” you may be wondering, “How can I believe Mr. Reagan when he says our troops—which were sent in to defend medical students, or restore democracy, or order, or to forestall aggression, or to avenge the Lebanon murders, or to root out the Libyan Hit Squad, or find Bulgarian Pope-killers­—how can I believe that the troops will be withdrawn in a few days, or 30 or 60 days, or several weeks, as promised? Well, it’s kind of like Vietnam: you just have to trust us.

Forget all this “Yankee Go Home” propaganda. We make ourselves at home wherever we go.

As for the charge that we’re engaging in gunboat diplomacy, that is a bald-faced misinterpretation. It should be clear by now that we’re not engaging in any diplomacy at all. Anywhere. It should also be clear that there are no gunboats down there. Only battleships.

Now Mr. Reagan is no fool: He intends to restore stability in Lake America. And no one knows more about stability than America. For example, we have not had a change of even 1% in the distribution of wealth in our country since 1900. Can the Grenado­-Cuban terrorist Leninoids make that claim for their self-proclaimed, alleged nations? No, they cannot. It is left to us to defend the five freedoms, and above all the freedom to exploit. For as the President has exclaimed, freedom is not something you can buy once and be done with it. No, freedom must be paid for, at the going rate, until we have all the freedom there is for ourselves. And as you know, there is no freedom without peace. And we will bring peace to Grenade-a and keep a piece for ourselves. Grenade-ians who want to keep the whole island for themselves are Greedy Grenade-ians.

If you liked Grenade-a, you’ll love World War Three. So be romantic—get involved in foreign affairs. Call the White Palace and tell us where to go. And forget about all this “Yankee Go Home” propaganda. We make ourselves at home wherever we go.