Acting CIA Director Robert Gates has withdrawn his name from consideration for the Directorship, thus aborting Gates-gate. In his place the President has nominated FBI head William Webster, who quickly promised that Congress will be kept fully informed of agency activities.  Webster is known for his scrupulous honesty and attention to legality as well as a recent series of investigations and infiltrations of groups opposing the President’s Central America policy, carried out during his tenure at the Federal Bureau of Intimidations.

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Our military attaché in Poland was not taking pictures of sensitive military installations.  That’s what we were accused of by the Polish State, and therefore we never do that.  If we did, we certainly wouldn’t get caught.  Shot down, maybe.  But we will not say whether we will retaliate, although we will threaten to say that we will.  We will not bomb Poland, though we would not discourage those in the private sector who wish to aid such efforts.

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Data obtained from the National Security Council’s computer suggests “quite serious discrepancies” in the Arms Affair testimony of Administration officials, but the discrepancies, said a senior White House official, “do not rise to the level of a cover-up,” but merely reveal deliberate attempts to conceal and distort facts about the affair. This according to a senior official who spoke on condition that it not be mentioned that he spoke on condition that his name be withheld, much less covered up.

Waning interest in the never-ending details of the Arms Affair perked up again with the entrance of a new player, Oliver North’s secretary Fawn Hall, no relation to free-lance mercenary Sam Hall, although both are planning books and films based on their alleged involvements.  Fawn Hall’s involvements include a 10-month affair with Arturo Cruz, Jr.  Said the literary editor of the New Republic, “even Contras can fall in love.”

Secretary of State Shultz appeared at a press conference this morning to say he planned to investigate allegations of drug smuggling by the Nicaraguan Freedom Fighters, and then issued his report, stating that “whatever the problem there is, is under control.”  He said the investigation, which will follow the report, will substantiate the report, showing that Mr. Shultz need not be questioned further.  About anything.

Tens of thousands of Palestinians in Lebanese refugee camps are reportedly eating dogs, cats and rats because of a food blockade by Shiite militias, according to CBS News, which devoted a full sentence to the story.