President Ron’s recent speech on problems in the Central part of Our America is rich in material for commentary; it would seem clear that he is concerned about achieving parody.

Ron began by stating that we are presently challenged by the Soviet use of surrogate forces, to wit, Cubans. You see, Cubans are forbidden to think and act for themselves by the Soviet-Cuban Think-Alike Treaty. On the other hand, when U.S. allies such as Israel send arms to El Slaveador and train Guatemala’s army, they do so of their own free enterprise. The Soviet-sponsored Cubist forces in Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Ethiopia, South Yemen, Afghanistan, Nicaragua and El Slaveador are violating international law because they prevent us from having equal access to those nations and their resources.

The Cubistas are thwarting our efforts to promote democracy and economic well-being in the Central American region. We have been making these efforts for several decades now and the effects will be trickling down there in the coming decades if the Free Market is allowed to work its magic.

The President pointed out that the United States does not start wars; we merely help our friends to defend themselves once we have empowered them, that is, helped them into power.

 Central America, the President explained, is very close. San Salvador is closer to Houston than Dallas is to reality. Central America is America, although South America is not—not yet. San Salvador is closer to Houston than Dallas is to reality

Half of our shipping tonnage and imported oil passes through the Carob Bean. That is why food riots in Santo Domingo must be seen in light of Soviet Fomentationism. We think high food prices are a low price to pay for preventing Communist Domination of free enterprise shipping lanes, and we hope the Santo Domingans will see it that way, or at least remember what happens when they don’t.

Cuban-supported aggression in El Slaveador, meaning the Slaveadoran guerrillas buttressed by the hostile thoughts of the Cubans, has forced 400,000 people to flee their homes. (The number of people forced to flee by alleged death squads and the purported massacres of the army has been pegged at around 650.)

We are facing the threat that all of Central America could come under the control of pro-Soviet regimes, which would have three dire consequences. One, they would attempt to strangle our economy by raising the prices of coffee, sugar, cotton and bananas. Two, hundreds of thousands of Feet People would come to the United States to stomp all over our traditional values and to demand jobs at wages vastly higher than they are paid in their own countries, even though they would be working for the same employers. They would compete for jobs with the American, that is, the Truly American worker, rendering useless the voluntary efforts of our business leaders to provide them with jobs by relocating plants to their pretty little countries in the first place. Three, a pro-Soviet regime is likely to install pro-Soviet missiles pointed in our direction, which are unlikely to be Friendly missiles. We shall then be held hostage by hostile missiles on our southern flank, unlike the Soviets who are only held hostage on their western flank, which is after all Europe, which is after all a component of NATO, although admittedly not a very important one.

Our special ambassadors have made more than ten trips to the region and met with the Sandinites for over an hour.

The Nicaraguites are joined by other elements of the Terror Network, that is, their Terror Network. The PLO, Libya and other Eastern Bloc countries are involved; hunger is not as much of a problem in Our Hemisphere as is Hungary.

Soviet ships have been unloading Soviet jeeps in Soviet Nicaragua. This is unfair to the American jeep industry. Nicaragua’s trained forces have grown to 100,000. You might think these people would rise up and turn their arms against the oppressive government which armed them. But no, they have been cynically instructed not to.

For 26 years, Fidel Castro has kept to his path of revolutionary violence against the United States wherever he might find us throughout Our World. Now if you’ll think back, there was a time when some of our own press referred to Castro as the George Washington of Cuba. This was before we enlightened them otherwise. Of course, our own nation was also founded on revolutionary violence, but we soon removed ourselves from that path and have been going the opposite direction ever since.

Castro is responsible for the drug traffic which poisons our children, and we are looking into the possibility that he has also fomented our unemployment, the high cost of medical care and the difficulties of the social security system, not to mention the eviction of God from the schools.

All these Cubistic guerrillas go on to set up pro-Soviet states, but the average peasant in the field doesn’t know that at the time he or she fires the bullet which illegally brings down the peace-loving helicopters we have provided to ensure democracy or something in El Slaveador. So I’m sure you’ll understand it is once again a matter of saving these people from their own lack of foresight and excess of gunsight. If we do not stand by our friends, they will fall under a regime intolerant of other companies’ views on land reform and wage rates.

Honduras made a peaceful transition to democracy, after receiving our permission in 1982, and plans to eliminate its death squads and disappearing actors in 1996 if all goes Right. In Guatemala political parties and trade unions are functioning freely alongside their jailers and torturers in a pluralistic example for the region.

To understand our present dilemma, it is helpful to go back to the situation in Greece in 1947. President Truman said the problem was “two years of Soviet-supported indirect aggression against Greece. The Communists were close to victory.” As you know, we got there just in time. In that case as well, it was necessary to save the people from their better judgement. President Truman called on Congress to provide decisive aid to the Greek government to protect itself from its people. Both parties rallied behind the call. Greece was saved from foreign influence, or well, from Soviet foreign influence, that is Soviet-supported indirect influence, that is the Greek Communist Party, which had played some small part in defeating the Fascists during the previous conflict. As a result we have enjoyed a warm friendship with the Greek people, or at least with their governments, that is, with some of them.

With the good report of the National Bipartisan Rubber Stamp Commission on Central America, we are aiming for a balanced pogrom of democracy and repression in the region. However , the Cubistas now intend to double the strength of the Slaveadoran guerrillas (whom they purchased in a transaction with Nicaragua last year). In the face of this aggression on our southern flank, those Americans who oppose our involvement are the New Isolationists. There are those who would sit idly by while we lose our standing in the world, that is, standing tall on a wide variety of backs.