Address to the American Medical Assassins February 12, 1984
The new director ridicules comparisons of herself to James Watt, saying “Watt was not always careful when he spoke, and I try to be.” She understands that we must go to the source of Hispanic problems—the Soviets.
As a teaching assistant, Ms. Chavez found that open admissions resulted in large classes, which tend to become unruly, and concluded it would be better to leave the unruliness outside school. She believes there is no such thing as a free school lunch or even school, advising youngsters that if you work hard enough you’ll make it to the top of everybody else.
Chavez says that the notion of equal pay for work of comparable value may emerge as the most important civil rights issue in the 1980’s, and that the principle underlying comparable worth is a fundamental, radical one that would alter our existing marketplace economy. In other words, promoting comparable worth is a federal offense. In the tradition of civil rights activists calling upon the Injustice Department to re-dress society’s ills, Chavez will ask for prosecution of equal pay proponents as federal race and sex offenders, and will recommend jail sentences or fines of comparable worth.
PrezRon has told the nation that “no challenge is more important to the character of America than outlawing abortion” (with the possible exception of increasing nuclear weapons proliferation). We are, after all, pro-lifers. And it will be after all, if we have anything to say about it.
Those who assert that hungry people are poor because greedy people are rich have got it backwards.
Under the abortionites, said RR, 15 million children will never laugh, never sing, never know the joy of human love, never strive to heal the sick, feed the poor, be the poor, or make peace among nations by joining the Marines and rescuing Americans from Russians in Grenada, El Slaveador or wherever.
Turning to God, Ron stated that if we could get the Lord and discipline back in the schools we could get drugs and violence out, and back into the streets where they belong. Drawing upon his authoritarian command of rock and roll lyrics he said “perhaps we shouldn’t say God is on our side, but couldn’t we at least ask Him if we’re on His side?” 
He intoned, with a strong back-beat, that we will continue our efforts to Give Peace a Chance. Addressing himself in thinly-veiled quarter tones to the Slave-adoran guerrillas, he queried, You say you want a revolution? Well, you know, we’d all love to see the plan.” And referring to demonstrators who parade outside his appearances with horrifying photographs of so-called victims of death squads, he sang a chorus of “I Shall Not Be Moved,” closing with a rousing rendition of “We Shall Overkill.”
THE TRULY HUNGRY have been discovered to be victims of silent undernutrition, which at last explains the phenomenon of the Silent Majority (a phrase from Homer meaning “the dead”). No one in America actually starves—they can always eat dirt, which is rich in minerals. Besides, there is no more room at the top. Those who assert that hungry people are poor because greedy people are rich have got it backwards. Anyway, it is merely a value judgment in any case.
TURNING TO THE ELECTION CAMPAIGN: Tip O’Neill has endorsed Walter Mondale because “we need a tough negotiator at the peace table.” PrezRon is now running on a platform of concern for the hungry, all five, for the landless peasant (in Afghanistan) and for the burned-out artist. Which just goes to show you how much pluralism we have here in this country. We not only have two parties, but each party takes both sides on the issues.
Mr. Mondale, however, would not be an acceptable President. He never has taken a stand on the Grenada Rescue, one way or even the other. I like to know where a man stands, and I do try to keep up on where all of you stand, sit, eat, sleep, sleep with, and pay taxes.
They say Mondale dares to be cautious. Gary Hart says that if Thomas Jefferson had dared to be cautious the people of this country would all be speaking Iroquois today. That wouldn’t do, because then Iroquois would be the lingua franca of the Free World, and there are some things that just don’t translate into Iroquois. Like Manifest Destiny.
AT&T, a fun-loving communications company, had a bit much at its last office party and mailed out 40,000 credit cards to the wrong people. They appealed to consumers to be honest and not use them fraudulently. Just as you would not steal from someone you love, you would not defraud your communications company.
There are some things that just don’t translate into Iroquois. Like “Manifest Destiny.”
AND IN SPORTS, a date has not yet been set for the planned Nuclear Winter Olympics, at which Carl Sagan will referee. Major contenders China, the Soviet Union and the United States are expected to be joined at the meet by Israel, South Africa, Pakistan, Brazil and many many more. Since the elimination of the missile race-track event, the American team has been hard at work retraining for the 6-minute cross country sprint. In a novel bit of nostalgia, 1950’s rock and roll will provide a background for the Cruise Competition. I’ll be seeing you all there, if not after.
