It has been ignored by the far liberal press, but I can reveal to you now that the Sandinoid aggressors have been perpetrating terror and rampancy on the peace-loving peoples of Iowa. The Nicaraguites have a clear motive for this: Iowa grows corn, which can be easily converted into a Nicaraguan product called maize. Also, Iowa has the same land area as Nicaragua but a larger population; the Sandinites hope to take advantage of the cheap labor of Iowa’s peasant farmers to bolster their sagging economy and free up other resources to pursue their international outlawism.

The Sandinites at first attempted to blockade Iowa’s ports and mine her harbors, but the Iowans

cleverly hid them. Next the aggressors began stirring up trouble between Iowa and her neighbors, with whom she has coexisted peacefully for decades. Collaborating with a band of dissident Minnesotans, the Sandinites made terror raids into Iowan territory, causing the natives to become ill and annoyed, and forcing many to flee and live in a State of Missouri.

Next the invader stirred up local farmers, setting them against their own government by telling them that Washington would abandon them in their struggle against foreclosure; that the cattle farmers representative in Washington, the Stock Man, had stated that he was for closure. But in fact he never said this. He merely meant to say it, but never got around to it. And so on the basis of these unfound statements, the alleged farmers (we have information that many of them are part-time) rallied and railed, splitting hairs along with rails, and shouting “farms, not arms!” And so, by enlisting the farmers of Iowa in their campaign to disarm the U.S. in the face of Soviet Superiority, the Sandinoids achieved the first part of their goal.

The most blatant violation of law and morality has been the “manual” which the Sandinites distributed to their proxies, the extremist bandits drawn from among disgruntled Iowan farmers. Now this manual technically says nothing about assassination of Iowan government leaders, but it does say to neutralize them, which means to remove them from office. If they are removed from office they may be taken across the border to Minnesota, where they have strongholds due to their ties with the “Socialists” who have been hiding out in that state’s lake redoubts, hoping for a return to power.

These abductions would force Iowa to invade Minnesota, precipitating a regional conflict which could engulf the Great Lakes, eventually drowning Ottawa and, ultimately, Washington. As we know, the moderately evil Canadian Empire is just waiting for an excuse to intervene in the affairs of the Midwest and deny the states there the right to rain in all their acidic splendor. Then the U.S. would be forced to defend its friends and allies in the region, and fix Ottawa’s airport, if not their plumbing.