Much has been made of the purported “reforms” being instituted by the totaliterroristic regime in Nicaragua. To examine the true nature of that self-proclaimed society, let us look at selections from their own newspaper, Barricada, which as you may not know is Spanish for the Sandinite national fish, the Barracuda.

Item. Nicaragua’s fourth annual anti-polio campaign reached an estimated 500,000 children. Sounds good, but look a little deeper. Buried in the third paragraph of the article we read: “the USSR donated 1.5 million vaccines.” So much for those children; they now have the Red Poison right in their veins. At least in their left veins.

Item. A singer of children’s songs, Mario Montenegro, says, “Many people have told me that I’m doing something ridiculous, since only mothers sing lullabies; if that’s so, then I also know how to be a mother.” You can see where the American family will end up if we let the Nicaraguites export their revolution here. And anyway, their export of revolution competes unfairly with our export of counter-revolution, since the latter must rely on capital-intensive technologies while the former is merely labor intensive. Or as they say in the Revolution Business, “popular.”

Item. Food prices are topsy-turvy: milk costs 30¢, grain 58¢, sugar 34¢, yet wine costs $50. You can see they’ve made up their minds, and made up the people’s minds for them. And speaking of choice, I’m pro-choice. But in Nicaragua there are only two brands, sometimes only one brand of milk, rice, beans and sugar. Where’s the choice? And while we’re at it, where’s the beef? You can see that the people are allowed one choice only: eat it or beat it. In other countries the food may be priced out of reach, but you can be sure there are many brands to look forward to purchasing someday when you stand tall enough to reach the prices.

Item. Censorship of television shows depicting drug use and “sex as merchandise or denigrating images of women.” This repression of nakedness constitutes naked repression of the media. Even worse than this repression of free opinion is the repression of dissidents, as in the case of Starsky and Hutch. And perhaps worst of all is the control exercised over commercials. Advertisements for liquor and cigarettes have been banned, along with those “using” women as sales “devices.” This brutal act flies in the face of tradition. Even the Sandinoid press admits it: “using women as sales devices has been the traditional method of ad agencies.” If these outrages are allowed to continue, what will happen to traditional values?

And the motive? In their own words, they do not want to “incite consumption.” As if consumption was a natural instinct that needed no prompting! I can tell you where it’s all headed: they want to reduce advertising to the simple, banal transmission of information on what products are available, just in case you should get the capitalistic urge to consume something (or somebody—if they don’t ban that too). Imagine the unemployment when the whole advertising industry goes belly up! Or perhaps they’ll reprogram the ad people, forcing them to paint People’s Billboards, which will no doubt use children to sell ideology.

Item: A cultural festival brought together youngsters from all over the country under the watchful eyes of armed guards, i.e., their parents. The festival included an anti-imperialist political cartoon contest, perverting the real function of political cartoons, which is to make fun of helpless minorities in order to steel them against the hard life that is their lot while we steal from them their labor.

Item. The junta comes out foursquare for arms proliferation, announcing plans to distribute “all arms to the people in every corner of the country.” But will the people rise up against their oppressors, who cleverly arm them as a cheap propaganda stunt? No, they have been cynically instructed not to, to fire instead upon their neighbors’ private property: U.S. bombers and their ex-Somocyst freedom pilots. Their cynicism pits brother against brother, peasant against Former National Guard. The world desperately needs arms control!

Item. Last year the government cancelled the debts of small farmers to the National Financial System. The farmers may be small, but the debts added up to $350 million. Granted, the debts go back to Somoza’s time. But should the debts of our own poor (there are known to be seven of them) be forgiven just because they go back to Carter’s time? A truly pluralist society pays the debts owed to its former proprietors!

To sum up, you can see that Sandinoid mind control, market meddling, moral manipulation and intravenous activity add up to one thing: abnormality. How can we normalize relations with a society that is the focus of abnormality in the modern world? A society that boasts a one-brand market is well on the way to a one-party state, and you can be sure I won’t be invited. A government that attacks TV commercials for alleged “use” of women for “promotion” of “consumption” will soon attack all commerce on the same grounds. A clearer threat to our national insecurity has never been posed. No, we will not normalize relations with the Nicaraguoids. But we will normalize their country. Even if we have to destroy it to do so, it will be a small price for us to pay.