I would like to personally apologize on be­half of the State Department for our behavior in regards to Central America. We should never have tried to get $93 million in aid for the government of El Slaveador and $21 million in aid against the current government of Nicaragua on 24 hours notice. From now on we will allow two weeks for delivery.

Normally such requests are submitted to the Senate Intelligence Committee, but in this case Intelligence was completely bypassed.

We realize the seriousness of our error. It dampened the ardor of Congress to take part in our new Linkage policy. By linking the aid to a home energy assistance bill for the elderly and other Somewhat Needy citizens, we offered the Congress an opportunity to choose between icing people in Central America or freezing people in Middle America.

Our new post-apology policy of linking the aid to emergency food assistance for Africa has been criticized as forcing those who would feed the hungry to also take sides in a civil war across the globe. But it’s not really taking sides, just supporting a government in power, in one case anyway. We see our approach to human rights policy in a wholistic way, to be pursued through quiet, diplomatic bludgeoning.

We will continue our endeavors to build a bi-partisan consensus in support of our pogrom for democracy in Central America. Rest assured, we will buy partisans with the utmost dis­cretionary funds. And as you know we are now giving the World Court the opportunity to participate in these matters on an equal footing with the Congress.

President Reagan has appealed for swift approval of emergency civilian-military aid for El Slaveador, saying that without supplies and training the government there cannot defend the country from its people. It is not true that 30% of U.S. aid ends up in guerrilla hands. The proper figure is 50%. The guerrillas procure the materiel on the black market and through illegal paramilitary means such as assaults on government outposts. Under considera­tion at the State Department is a plan to arm the guerrillas directly, which has the added benefit of cutting out the middleman and saving the American taxpayer some much-needed dollars.

U.S. army companies have been sent to the Honduro-Slaveador border on what are called “no notice exercises.” This means that no notice will be given in advance of the exercises, and no notice should be taken of them. The soldiers will encourage Nicaragua to disintervene in El Slaveador’s civil conflict. We have been exclaiming for three years that the Sandi­nites have been arming the Slaveadoran guerrillas, and we will be presenting the proof of this as soon as we replenish our supply of white paper. The renegade Nicaraguans—that is, their government—must stop the export of revolution to their neighbors. It interferes unfairly with our export of counter-revolution.

The guerrillas, for their part, have issued a bellicose “warning” to the U.S. of A. not to launch attacks on their persons from Honduras, which we would never do anyway under nor­mal circumstances. The statement from Red Bandit Radio said that if they were forced to retaliate they would force the U.S. to “pay a quota of blood.” Of course we oppose quotas of any kind; when we are forced to retaliate we do not discriminate in any way. We in­tend to continue military exercises to keep us in shape for the war which we will not seek, but will not run from. The exercises, known as Grenadero I, will be followed by Son of Grenadero I, and then by Revenge of the Grenadines. The exercises will not tend to involve us in the civil war in Slaveador, provided the guerrillas don’t shoot down any of our air­craft involved in peaceful war games in Honduras. They may only shoot down our helicopters which have been sold on the free market or given as Christmas gifts to the Slaveador government. And these it may shoot down only with the understanding that it will make us angry and encourage us to never say never.

Incidentally, the helicopters in question have been incorrectly classified by some as military aircraft. They cannot support machine guns unless the owner cuts a hole in the bottom and puts in gun points. Night vision cannot be hooked up except as a special infrared attachment which must be purchased separately. Anyone who would go to all this trouble would have to be in pretty desperate straits.

Furthermore, we are not building up a military blockade of Nicaragua as has been insin­uated. We are engaged in routine mining operations there, constituting a collective self-defense to pre-empt possible Cuban mining in the Miami area. In fact, we are sub­contracting this work out to local contra actors and making use of the latest in smart mines, which home in on the root of the problem in the region: Soviet oil tankers. It’s  well known that people do sometimes get hurt in mining, and that’s why there are unions. The Russians have the Union of Soviet So-Called Republics, which can keep them out of the mines if it so desires.

We will continue to fly missions overhead in Slaveador, and to deploy around, next to, near and beside the country. I will not comment on deployments under the country as they are, by definition, covert. But we are not deploying within the country. Not in uniform. Not in our uniforms. Not that I know of. But that’s really a matter for the Pentagon to not comment on, rather than the Committee.

In other foreign affairs, the citizens of Berkeley, North America were shocked to learn, according to four major newspapers that requested anonymity, that they no longer have a sis­ter city. It appears that the town of San Antonio Los Ranchos, in a part of El Slaveador which has gotten Out of Hand, has been brought back under control through the discreet and prudent use of saturation bombing. This has an uncomfortable side-effect in that the town no longer exists.

Berkeley City Councilman Leo Bach, a noted moderate politician who has been moderately critical of moderate land reforms in El Slaveador and Berkeley, called for suspension of the sister city relationship—a perfectly reasonable proposal since the sister is now defunct. Some clearly biased observers insist that the people still exist and have just been scattered into neighboring villages, needing more aid than ever. But to say that the people are the city is an affront to the entire notion of prop­erty rights. As for the contention that the money being sent there by Berkeley is to help the peasants grow food, I’m sure that if the people there would withdraw their support from the guerrillas and switch their accounts to the legitimate government, the locals would be pro­vided with jobs in the private sector, that is, the army.

PERSONALITY FOCUS:

Richard Stone has resigned as U.S. Special Envoy to Central America. President Ron thanked him, speaking through Larry, for his help in executing U.S. policy and its opponents. Stone’s replacement is Harry Schlaudeman, who has a great deal of exec­utive experience, having directed the White House National Bipartisan Rubber Stamp Commis­sion on Central America and having served as Ambassador to Argentina when there was an abundance of work there in the executing field.